May 30, 2008
THE THOUSAND UNNATURAL SHOCKS THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO:
I was re-reading Hamlet's soliloquy the other day and savoring some of my favorite lines. "And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er by the pale cast of thought" is certainly one. And "...the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to" is another. I have certainly been feeling my share of those natural shocks in the past year: Loss, death, broken bones etc. And for a moment I thought about listing them and seeing if I could come up with 1000. But then I decided it would be far less morbid and masochistic and far more fun to try to come up with a complementary list: To wit: The thousand Unnatural shocks that flesh is heir to. And I figured I'd make it a collective Teddy Vegas interactive feature...so I could tap into the vast creative resources of my distinguished readership. So anyhow, before the native hue of my resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought (or mere laziness), let me get this party started. I'll throw down a handful of unnatural shocks and please please please help me reach my lofty goal of 1000 of 'em. (Or at least 50.)
The 1000 Unnatural Shocks that Flesh is Heir to Project hereby commences with:
1. Joan Rivers’ face.
2. Velvetta
3. Donald Trump’s hair
4. Donald trump’s being
5. The continued celebrity of Brittney Spears.
6. Pamela Anderson's breasts circa 1994.
7. Dip ‘& Dots: The Ice Cream of the Future
8. Hillary Clinton’s Laugh
9. Las Vegas
10. The Blackberry
11. Red Bull
12. Footprints on the moon.
13 Mass produced triplet strollers
14. Flava Flav
15. High fructose corn syrup
16. NYC Cranes
17. Continued claims of Robin Williams' comedic genius.
18. Focus Groups
19. "The War on Terror"
20. Liposuction
21. The designated hitter
22. HGH
23. Non-payment of Health insurance claims
24. Air Guitar Competitions
25. Ernie Anastos
26. Cowboy boots on Wall Street stockbrokers
27. Liquid Protein
28. Mobile Media Porno
29. Jocelyne Wildstein - NYC "Cat Woman"
30. E-Harmony or for that matter anything with E i.e E! Network
31. Cialis
32. Celebrity Designers
33. $50,000.00 Birthday Parties
34. Bluetooth wireless earpiece phones
35. Humvees
36. Vibrating belts for passive weight loss.
37. Talking car alarms
38. The Home Shopping network.
39. Botox
40. Pet psychiatrists
41. Alarm clocks
42. Reality TV
43. Blow up dolls
EXCRUCIATING IRONY OF THE DAY:
Two defense officials said Thursday that 108 U.S. troops committed suicide in Iraq in 2007. Which means, if my calculations are right, that, in the "war on terror", more troops were killed last year by suicide than by suicide bombers.
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
If he tended to put women up on a pedestal, it was only so that he could look up their skirts.
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Posted on 5/30/2008
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May 22, 2008
NEWS COMMENTARY OF THE DAY:
The most passed along story on the Internet today is one from the NYT about the problems Obama is having appealing to Jews.
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/22/us/politics/22jewish.html?em&ex=1211601600&en=5ab8a5cb91e5a407&ei=5087
After reading, this article, I humbly submit the following thoughts.
SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW OBAMA CAN WIN THE JEWISH VOTE:
In his next debate, answer every question with a question.
Refuse on principle to name his dog Hamas.
Claim Red Holtzman was the formative influence in his becoming a basketball lover.
Pre-emptively exclude Mel Gibson and Louis Farrakan from Vice Presidential consideration.
Change his website url to amabokcarab.com
Retract his previous claim that "whitefish" is a racially offensive term.
Change his slogan to Oybama 2008.
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Posted on 5/22/2008
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May 21, 2008
NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY:
Breaking news: The creator of NSYNC and The Backstreet Boys has been sentenced to 25 years in prison. It’s about time someone paid the price for those two crimes against society. But frankly I think 12 1/2 years for each is letting him off a bit easy.
CURIOUS E-MAIL OF THE DAY:
A "Get well soon, Senator Kennedy" card from moveon.org. Don't get me wrong. I respect Senator Kennedy deeply and feel terrible about his illness. But when you are diagnosed with an aggressively malignant brain tumor and given a grim prognosis, the whole "Get Well Soon" thing rings a little false--especially when coming from a proudly reality-based progressive organization that claims to hold the Truth as the ultimate value. The sad, hard truth here is that Senator Kennedy will not be getting well soon. Or, in all likelihood, ever. And I thought the Republican party was the party of delusion and denial.
SKETCH IDEAS OF THE DAY:
a)
Einstein feeling like a failure cause while he had a real knack for physics, he was a failure at his true life ambition: Writing jingles for commercials.
b)
The intrusively chatty and obliviously narcissistic Lacanian psychoanalyst.
ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT-LIKE) HEADLINE OF THE DAY:
Jameer Nelson guarantees loss.
ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT-LIKE) HEADLINE OF THE DAY THAT TURNED OUT TO BE REAL:
Bush gives up golf in honor of war dead.
RESPONSE TO SNEEZE (OR AS THE KIDS CALL IT, "STERNUTATION") OF THE DAY:
"Oh Jesus!!.... I mean, God Bless."
MOVIE COMMENT OF THE DAY:
The brilliance of Zoolander lies in the fact that it is almost indistinguishable from the worst movie ever. Indeed, its genius lies in the curious space of that "almost."
WORDS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AFTER SEX OF THE DAY:
"Well, that's a minute and a half of my life I'm never gonna get back.”
REFLECTION OF THE DAY: Four Strategies for Sanity and Survival in the Post-Privacy age.
For many young people, privacy is an old fashion concept. But for many of us who were raised in an era where privacy meant something, this electronic age of endlessly archived personal information represents an almost existential threat. Here are a few possible survival strategies.
1) A total (and arguably, near-psychotic) detachment from your consumer purchases and electronic interactions. I don't care if they know i bought a big black dildo. That wasn’t really me. For all they know i was buying it for a theater show. Or as a gift. Or for an art project. Besides: I am not what I buy. I am more than the sum of my purchases. That big black dildo in no way reflects my essential, underlying, ineffable self. My being en soi. That letter threatening to kill my girl friend--right before she mysteriously died??? An exercise in hyperbole. Or research for a fictional character I was trying to develop for the writing class I never got around to signing up for. I refuse to submit to the tyranny of presumed knowability.
2) A radical rejection of consumerism. In the post modern age of endlessly archived, infinitely accessible consumer information, the refusal to buy is arguably the most radical act-- the last redoubt of true rebellion. Stay off the electronic radar. Marginalize yourself within the matrix. He who does not buy (or, for that matter use the internet) is invisible. Or at least irrelevant. But he enjoys a freedom unimaginable to the kings of consumption and the masters of materialism. Or at least that's what the practitioners of this subversive praxis feel cozy believing.
3) Jam the codes. Buy and interact under many aliases. Or under the same name but in a strategically inconsistent manner. For every purchase of an uzi, make a contribution to UNICEF. Expensive, inefficient but presumably effective, this is the privacy preservation strategy for those with lots of disposable money…and time.
4) Perhaps the most simple and radical strategy of them all. Be a good person. Act in an egosyntonic fashion. Outsource your superego. Use the absence of privacy in this virtual panopticon to motivate ethical behavior. Simply don't do anything you are ashamed of—and thank the matrix for helping you do so.
5) Mix and match from among the above...or come up with your own fun strategies!
SAD THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
We were a fetus that we flushed out of the womb of togetherness and let die.
UPDATE OF THE DAY:
I haven't looked any gift uncle's in the prostate lately. And frankly, I'm feeling pretty good about that.
SENTENCE OF THE DAY:
Another trope takes a bow and leaves the zeitgeist.
LFAQ:
Should an ethically motivated vegetarian eat animal crackers?
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT:
Some said he spoke gibberish, but we preferred to think of it as syllabically challenged haiku.
NOTE TO READER OF THE DAY:
Thank you to those of you who checked out the Uncle Sam Obama commercial and gave me feedback. It was very nice of you, Beticobrooklyn. :) And as for your question: While I'm not a Lakers fan (and, in full disclosure, will probably be rooting for San Antonio in the Western Conference Finals), I do think that the Lakers have been playing the best ball in the NBA since the acquisition of Pau Gasol and should be considered the heavy favorites to win the Championship.
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Posted on 5/21/2008
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May 10, 2008
FOCUS GROUP OF THE DAY:
OK, gang. I have two versions of the previously referenced Uncle Sam Obama commercial to show you and I'm looking for feedback. They can be viewed at the link below. Visually, the edits are pretty similar (although there are a few differences). The big difference is the music. One piece keeps the communication sort of light and comedic. The other adds emotional weight--and turns it into a very different kind of experience. That piece of music has graphic language that would, of course, prevent it from airing on broadcast television. Don't worry about that--as my intention right now is just to upload the spot to Youtube. I'd really appreciate it if you'd indicate which version you prefer in the comments section below or, if you are reluctant to share your opinions on the blog, by sending me an e-mail at tcohn725@aol.com.
Finally, I want to thank those of you who submitted musical suggestions--many of which had real merit and appeal but, at least in our brief experimentation with them in the edit room, didn't seem to work as well as the ones we selected.
Anyhow, eager to see what you guys think.
Www.breatheediting.net:8000
Username: ted
Password: ted
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Posted on 5/10/2008
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May 08, 2008
FILE IT UNDER "UH, NO": ITEM OF THE DAY:
SIOUX FALLS, S.D. - Former Sen. George McGovern, who backed Hillary Rodham Clinton, is urging her to drop out of the Democratic presidential race.
McGovern said Wednesday he has decided to endorse Barack Obama. After watching the returns from the North Carolina and Indiana primaries Tuesday night, McGovern says it's virtually impossible for Clinton to win the nomination.
McGovern says he is calling former President Clinton to tell him of the decision AND ADDS THAT HE REMAINS CLOSE FRIENDS WITH THE CLINTONS. (Caps Mine).
LFAQs of the DAY:
Where will they find McGovern's body? What will the Clintons' alibi be?
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to lend yourself $6.4 Million?
When did Hillary become Bush? When did she become the cocksure, unapologetic, belligerent, reality-denying, debt-financed blue collar millionaire candidate you want to have a beer with?
Will Hillary stay in the Presidential race straight through the next administration?
If Hillary forces herself upon Obama as VP (as rumor has it she intends to) , how many extra body guards will he have to hire in the White House?
Was it all downhill since I left or did the party just get started?
On the occasion of Israel’s 60th birthday: Who is aging more gracefully: Israel or Bill Clinton?
How do you act like Christopher Walken without sounding like Christopher Walken?
Is there an opposite of Schadenfreude? And if so, is it empathy, jealousy or something else?
I saw a commercial that said "We don;t make comrpomises. We make Saabs." Then I saw one that said "We don't make compromises. We make Marines." So, are Marines Saabs? And if not, should the Marines' tagline be changed to "We don't make compromises. Or, for that matter, very original commercials"
Could an invisible car still run you over?
ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT LIKE) HEADLINE OF THE DAY THAT UNFORTUNATELY TURNED OUT TO BE REAL:
Bush predicts the economy is going to 'come on'
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080503/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush
CURIOUS LINGUISTIC OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:
Open is an anagram for Nope.
PROPOSED BAND NAME OF THE DAY:
Thumb and Mouse
RANDOM PROPOSAL OF THE DAY:
The expression "Never look a gift horse in the mouth" evidently derives from a time when horses were often given as gifts and it was considered rude to check the horse's teeth to see how old it was. (Teeth being a reliable indicator of equine age as they continue to grow over the horse's lifespan. Hence the expression, "Long in the tooth." ) My random proposal: Temporarily replace the phrase "Never look a gift horse in the mouth" with "Never look a gift uncle in the prostate."
MOTTO OF THE DAY: (Which I can't remember if I'm repeating).
It never hurts to say "thank you" unless, of course, you have a broken jaw.
AWKWARD MOMENT OF THE DAY:
Went to see the Chris Rock at MSG this weekend with a friend. Before hand, we had dinner across from the Garden at a nice little bar/restaurant. After dinner, my friend went into the Men's room to pee. About a minute later, I decided I needed to pee as well. When I arrived, he was just finishing up washing his hands. I assumed my position at the urinal, and said "I'm psyched. This is gonna be fun." (referring, of course, to the concert.) As I said it, I turned to notice that my friend had already left the men's room and another guy had just entered--to the curious spectacle of a man standing at a urinal alone saying to no one in particular "I'm psyched. This is gonna be fun!"
CONFESSION OF THE DAY:
Not sure if I mentioned this before, but excuse the repetition if I did. Anyhow, of the grab bag of talents I've been given in this life, one of the most impressive is one i'm not very proud of--and one which stands in some dissonance with my sense of myself as a self-respecting heterosexual male: It's my ability to pick clothing for women. Yup. There it is. I'm a "Color Me Beautiful" kind of a guy. I can instantly tell what colors and styles will look good on a given woman and have often (to my partial emasculation) been asked to provide these services for shopping women friends. Then, of course, I always do something compensatorily (alert: made up word). macho like eat 10 hot dogs in 5 minutes or attempt to burp the entire alphabet.
POIGNANTLY IRONIC QUOTE AND ATTRIBUTION OF THE DAY:
"People Never Die Until They Are Forgotten"
– Unknown
Which is to say:
"People Never Die Until They Are Forgotten"
– Forgotten and hence Dead Person
THOUGHT OF THE DAY:
Death, like God, while ultimately nameless and faceless, wears a different name and face all the time.
SKETCH IDEA OF THE DAY:
A guy who is powerless to control his impulse to do a bad impression of Christopher Walken. He is apologizing to his wife for falling back into this behavior that he knows she hates. He explains that he simply can't help himself. He can't stop doing it ever since he saw a repeat of the SNL episode that Christopher Walken hosted. He delivers his apology in his bad Christopher Walken voice and--and here's the kicker--he delivers it as if reading off cue cards (as Walken did throughout that otherwise stellar SNL episode.) He tells her about the support he's getting though his visits to the 12 step program Imitators Anonymous. And he promises to call his sponsor. ( "A lovely guy with an Al Pacino problem." Just terrible. Poor guy can't stop yelling "Hua.") Hijinx ensues.
OBSERVANCE OF THE DAY:
May 6. Childhood idol Willie Mays' birthday and the day my parents told me they were getting a divorce, a million years ago. I wrote about it last year, at the end of the post below.
http://teddyvegas.blogspot.com/2007/05/greetings-from-sunny-teddy-santa-monica.html
To save you a click, I'll copy and paste the relevant section:
May 6. Today is the 35th anniversary of the day my parents told me they were getting divorced. I was 11. It was a pretty world-shattering event for me--at the cusp of adolescence and all. I remember the date for that reason and for the fact that it was the birthday of my favorite baseball player and childhood idol Willie Mays. What do I remember from that day? Tossing a baseball with my brother in front of my house as my dad came home after his walk from the train station. We were excited that he would be coming home soon and hoping that he'd join us in the game of catch. He made a few perfunctory throws and catches and then went inside. Then my mother and father called me and my brother inside. We were a bit late in responding and they brusquely repeated the order to end our game and join them. They sat us down on the couch in the living room and my mother was on one chair and my father on another--a little farther away. We were a bit surly--bracing for some kind of lecture about disobeying our parents or something. I remember noticing that my father was wearing sunglasses inside--which struck me as odd. But not odd enough to change my assumption that we were going to get yelled at for something. Then my mother said "Your father and I are going to get separated."
Like for good?
Possibly.
Suddenly there was crying and screaming and I ran upstairs and locked myself in my room. My mother followed me but I locked her out of my room. My father started sobbing and screaming upstairs "I told you we shouldn't have told them." Then he came upstairs and told me that he still loved me and would always love me. And I could smell his grown-up breath. Then later, my mother started singing "We Shall Overcome." on her autoharp and tried to get us to join her. My father's birthday is March 8 and my mother's is May 19 and I remember thinking that it was somehow unfair to my mother that she'd already bought my father his birthday present for the year and now wouldn't be getting one from him. My god: I was really a child once. In my parents' house.
35 years ago. Amazing.
---
Particularly poignant for me this year, now that this primal memory of parental separation has been colored by the final separation of parental death.
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
His main goal in life was to have his efforts and contributions entirely unreflected in the Gross National Product.
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Posted on 5/8/2008
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