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VISUAL OF THE DAY: TEDDY VEGAS AND HIS PEEPS.
Many of you have been wondering where I've been and with whom I've been hanging, so I figured I'd share a photo of me and my Peeps. (For the Seasonal Confectionary Challenged (such as myself up until about a week ago): The yellow fellow next to the salt and pepper beard (honest, there's still a little bit of pepper left in there) is called a Peeps.) Note: I tried to make the photo smaller and put it at the end of the posting, but I couldn't figure out how. So please, imagine it a lot smaller and appearing at the end of this posting. Thank you.
ANECDOTE OF THE DAY: "JEW HAVE $28?" OR “OY VEGAS.”
I’m in Grand Central Station on Saturday running late for a dinner/theater engagement, when I’m stopped by some harried looking olive skinned guy with a yarmulke and a British accent. “Excuse me. I left my coat and wallet in a cab and I’m just wondering where someone in this country can find a Jewish organization that might help a Jewish tourist in this kind of a situation. I’ve been trying to get help for hours and no one believes me and I’m hungry and I just want to get the bus fare back to Cherry Hill New Jersey. So can you think of any Jewish organization that can help me?” Something in his tone is grating and annoying and—though I’m Jewish myself-- his insistence on this whole Jewish thing (Jews: The Chosen Tourists) is rubbing me the wrong way. But I try not to hold his Jewishness and his grating-ness against him.
I think for a minute. Well, there’s the UJA…and maybe one of the temples near here. “No. Can’t. It’s Sabbath.” and he says something in Hebrew I don’t fully understand. “Where does someone in this country go for help in a situation like this?” Since he keeps saying “In this country” I ask him what country he is from. “I live in London.” He tells me. “I just need $28 to get back to Cherry Hill New Jersey.” I stand there, trying to overcome my impatience and be available to another human soul…who may or may not be Jewish…may or may not be scamming me…may or may not be in need. “If you could loan me the money, I’ll send you a check for $100 as soon as I get back, no problem.” I tell him I have absolutely no interest in making money from this transaction. “I have been asking people all day and no one believes me and I am very very hungry.”
The thoughts race through my head: Ok, he might be scamming me. But if he is, it’s rather impressive that he mastered the British accent and learned all that Hebrew sounding Hebrew for the job. Or, he might really be in need. In which case I should just do the right thing and try to help a fellow human being—albeit a fairly grating one. It’s a $30 bet on human nature. Either I’ll have my faith in the basic decency of man confirmed or I’ll be disappointed by the mendacity and shamelessness of the human animal. In the former case, it’ll be a win-win. I’ll feel good about myself for believing the best and doing the right thing and he’ll feel good about himself and his fellow man for the hand extended and the gratitude returned. In the latter case, it’s a win-lose. I’ll still feel good about myself for believing the best and doing the right thing and he and his rancid, maggot-ridden, cancerous lower intestine of a soul will burn in a hell of his own making for having donned the trappings of religious faith to shamelessly scam $30 measly dollars from a person who still had the vestiges of a heart and would have been just as likely to give him the damn money without the frigging yarmulke. Either way, I figured it was an investment in the blog (I’ll have something to write about and speculate upon) and, as such, is surely a tax deductible expense.
Anyhow, I said, “You know what? I’m in a rush. I have no idea if you’re telling me the truth or not, but here’s my name and my address, (“Oh, you’re Cohanim!”, he exclaimed) and here’s $30. I happen to be one of the few Jews in New York without lots of money, so if you can send it back, that’d be great. But you do whatever your God or conscience or lack or God or lack of conscience tells you to do. You send me $30 or you live with the pathetic victory and enduring shame of taken advantage of someone’s frail but still lingering feeling for his fellow man. And know either way that the fact that you were presenting yourself as Jewish in no way affected my decision to help or not to help you (although—and this I did not say out loud -- I have to admit the sight of a Jew in financial need did strike me as a curious and counter-intuitive thing.) Shalom. Salaam Aleckem. Auf Wiedersehen. Au Revoir. Have a good day.”
So how about it: Let’s amortize this $30 investment, with another one of those great interactive features that have been thriving on this blog.
TEDDY VEGAS BRANDED INTERACTIVE POLL QUESTION OF THE DAY:
Will he send a check or won’t he? Vote now. But please, not all at once.
(Before voting. You may want to read the following full disclosure.)
FACTORS ENCOURAGING A "NAY" VOTE
A few things hit me afterwards that made me more inclined to vote on the scam side of the ballot. 1) There is no transportation to Cherry Hill, New Jersey from GCT. (On the other hand, perhaps he didn’t know that. But still… ) 2) The insistence on the Jewishness and the need for a Jewish organization rather than a more general benevolent or humanitarian organization would suggest he was trying to target a Jewish looking person and play up to Judeo-centric sentiment. (But, on the other hand, if he were really an orthodox Jew, he might be that Judeo-centric anyhow.) 3) Oh, and one more thing which bodes ill for the chances of my ever seeing that $30 again. He hasn’t e-mailed to thank me.
FACTOR (MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE) ENCOURAGING AN "AYE" VOTE
On the other hand, --and I took this to be a perversely auspicious sign-- he made no expansive gestures of gratitude. In fact, he was still kind of obnoxious after I gave him the money. That suggests to me that he really was just an obnoxious self-involved guy in need and wasn’t interested in putting the performative cherry on top of his heartlessly cynical Sundae of a scam. Ingratitude as a mark of authenticity.
DARKER SPECULATION OF THE DAY:
In thinking about the incident, another, darker thought went through my head. What if he was not only not Jewish, but an Islamic terrorist trying to finance a bombing entirely from Jewish donations? What a darkly twistedly ironic plot that would be--as diabolically brilliant in its own way as turning our planes into bombs. Oh how he would relish the feeling (in my case, the illusion) of having preyed on the very Judeo-centric feeling he so despises to fund his anti-Zionist crusade. The glory of destruction amplified by the brilliance of deception. How it would make his terrorist act an exquisitely elevated double violation—one not only of body but of mind.
RECURRING REFRAIN OF THE DAY:
Ok, so is that idea worth $30???
No way I would have thought of it without having given the money and gone through the semi-obsessive retrospective thinking about the whole affair.
And even if you don;t value this idea quite so highly, you might still be willing to proffer an "Aye" vote on the second and final TEDDY VEGAS BRANDED Interactive poll question of the day.
TEDDY VEGAS BRANDED INTERACTIVE POLL QUESTION OF THE DAY #2:
Was this blog entry worth $30? In assessing this, try to factor in not only the worth of the paranoid and provocative speculation referenced above, but all the ongoing suspense and entertainment value of our daily wait to see if the check arrives in the mail!
Oh the fun we’ll have!!!
Can’t wait to count your votes!
SPORTS COMMENTARY OF THE DAY:
Did anyone catch Keith Hernandez commenting on seeing a woman in team uniform in the Padres dugout on Saturday?
"Who is the girl in the dugout, with the long hair?" Hernandez said. "What's going on here? You have got to be kidding me. Only player personnel in the dugout. I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout,"
When he found out she was the team masseuse, he remarked "Only in California."
Hernandez, then laughed and said: "You know I am only teasing. I love you gals out there -- always have."
SPORTS META COMMENTARY OF THE DAY:
Love ya, Keith. Always have.
NON SPORTS SPECTACLE OF THE DAY:
I see a man on a bench feeding and talking to a pigeon.
MAN: (ALL FRIENDLY) Hi Mr. Bird. Want some pizza? Yes. Good, huh? Oh yes. Pizza's good. Would you like a little more? Ok. Here you go. Yes, pizza's good huh. You like pizza, don't you Mr. Bird? Yes. Yes. Very good. Oh, you want more? Ok, here's a little more. Mmm. Yummy. Yes, yes. You like Pizza, don't you Mr. Bird.
The pigeon loses interest and flies over to some other food source.
MAN: (BITTERLY). Whore!
SUBTEXT OF SAID SPECTACLE:
Hey, did those last 45 seconds together mean NOTHING to you???? (A comment I suspect would be equally applicable to his paid sex providers--hence the bitter exclamation "whore.")
RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:
He was proud of his avuncular exploits.
CONCEPT OF THE DAY:
Unmarried polygamist
ABSURDIST APPLICATION OF CONCEPT OF THE DAY:
On the application where it said "Marital Status," he would write "Unmarried Polygamist."
Incidently, under "Sex, " he would write "Occasionally."
CURIOUS FACT OF THE DAY:
Evidently, a penny is now worth more than a penny. Evidently, it costs 1.4 cents to manufacture a penny. I'm not an economist, but I think there's some kind of a fundamental problem here. Like some crazy arbitrage opportunity. I think the sad truth is, they're going to have to stop the pennies.
It reminds me of an old idea I had of going into the bank and saying that I wanted to buy a 1000 quarters and when they told me it would cost $250 dollars, I'd say, "Since I'm buying them in bulk, don't I get some kind of a discount? I mean, can't you bring the unit price down to like 23 cents each?" I thought it was a comedic exercise in absurdity...but then I read about the pennies.
I'm telling you. They're gonna have to stop the pennies.
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Posted on 4/25/2006
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