FIRST POSTING OF THE BASEBALL SEASON AND MORE...

DIGITAL NAPKINS CAPTION CONTEST #1

In honor of the start of the baseball season and all of the soaring promise associated therewith, here is a image to bring us back down to earth with a thud. If there is a photograph that captures more soon-to-be-squandered collective promise, I'd like to see it. Maybe, just maybe a shot of Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin from early 1969. But while that image would exist under the sign of the truly tragic, this one belongs more to the tragi-comic. Indeed, crackheads and ear biters lack the gravitas associated with the prematurely OD-ed. There is no ennobling finality to their stories, just a continuing string of ever more absurdly undignified hijinx.

Anyhow, Ladies and Gents, your captions please.

CONSUMER OBSERVATION OF THE DAY

Yesterday it seemed that everyone I know went to The Container store. I think it was national Containment Day. The line at the store at 18th and 6th Ave. went on forever. The place was buzzing. People could barely contain themselves in their zeal for containment. And I don't think it was just about organizing one's stuff in response to the vital wake-up call of Spring. I think it was about containing one's burgeoning vernal appetites, anxieties and desires. It was really something. Everyone, trying to come up with their own idiosyncratic strategy of containment for both the concrete and abstract stuff they were trying to organize, control, master. People were spilling out onto the streets. The store itself wasn't big enough to contain the container-seeking throngs.

SCARY SIGHT OF TH DAY

Sharon Stone on Jon Stewart. They did something really scary to her face. And, it appears, her personality. She’s become like 50 going on 15. She used to be really smart and engaging and down to earth and during this interview she was like totally a mean girl flirting kinda blankly with the nerdy Jew boy who she like isn't supposed to have a crush on, but like kinda sorta does. Ya know?

ANALOGY OF THE DAY:

Condi Rice finally conceding that the U.S. probably made 'tactical errors' in Iraq is like Phillip Morris finally coming around to acknowledge that cigarettes are bad for you. Or the Church finally acknowledging that Galileo was right and the earth really does revolve around the sun.

NCAA OBSERVATIONS:

1) This is definitely the first Final Four I've ever seen where arguably the best player in the men's final would also be the prettiest player in the woman's final. (Joakim Noah, Yannick's not so little boy).

2) In retrospect, it should have been clear that Gonzaga was an ill-fated team since their star player had a poster of Che Guevara on his wall and the second best player on the team was named Batista.

SHAMEFUL SELL-OUT OF THE DAY:

The fact that Chevy wants fancy pants Dukie Coach K to pitch their cars and trucks to middle America is mystifying. The fact that the wealthy, lionized coach is willing to shill for them is disappointing. But can you really pay a well-educated guy enough to utter the grammatically confounding line "Chevy...the brand more Americans choose?" Wow. Coach K. The coach more Americans think less of.

HATEFUL MOMENT OF THE DAY:

Jim Cramer responding to a guy calling in with a question to his capitalistic carnival 'Mad Money."

GUY: A big bullish Booyah to you.
CRAMER: A big bullish booyah back to you. Let's make some money., Booyah!!
GUY: I’m worried about Mankind.
CRAMER: Mankind?
GUY: The stock.
CRAMER: Oh good, cause for a minute there I was thinking you’d gone all Albert Schweizer on us. …Booyah!!!

"I am an asshole. Booyah!!"

REPRESENTATIVE ANECDOTE OF THE DAY:

At one point during the Knicks' routinely humiliating loss to Philadelphia, I looked over at the players huddled around Larry Brown during a timeout and noticed that most of the players were more interested in watching some fan try and sink a $98,000 halfcourt shot than in listening to anything being said by their legendary coach. Needless to say, the shot was no good.

ANNOTATED YANNI UPDATE OF THE DAY:

According to Yahoo News, Musician Yanni won't be charged with domestic battery in an alleged dispute with his girlfriend, authorities said Friday. The Greek-born pianist, whose real name is John Yanni Christopher, was arrested March 3 at his beachfront home in Manalapan. His (")girlfriend("), Silvia Barthes, 33, told police Yanni grabbed her and shook her, then threw her on a bed and jumped on her (IN A VIGOROUS IF NOT FULLY CONVINCING SIMULATION OF HETEROSEXUAL MATING ACTIVITY). Barthes had a bloody lip, but told officers she thought she might have hit herself when Yanni shook her, the report stated. (SHE CLAIMED, "I WAS SIMPLY NOT USED TO HIM BEING SEXUAL WITH ME AND HAD TO PINCH MYSELF TO SEE IF I WAS DREAMING. I GUESS I JUST PINCHED TOO HARD.")

NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY:

Here's an article about how there are far more fast food ads on black targeted TV than elsewhere.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060403/ap_on_he_me/diet_black_kids_ads

It's not so much news as, no-duh. And it's not so much racism as socio-economic Darwinism; an instance of the anonymous, quasi-systematic way that the free market conspires to make the weakest members of our society weaker, to, in effect, thin the herd. Only the educated and well-to-do shall enter unto the realm of expensive organic non carcinogenic foods while the ignorant and underpriviledged shall be supersized unto diabetes at Dennys. OK, liberal rant over. Back to my free range organic chicken with fresh morels over long grain wild rice.

RANDOM SINGLE SENTENCE PORTRAIT OF THE DAY:

The world was his oyster but sadly he was allergic to shell fish.

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Posted on 4/3/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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