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Is the NYC Water Board's rate schedule really so outdated? Well, would you like to know how much that 65,000-gallon steamboat will cost you this year? Your dentist's fountain cuspidor? A kidney dialysis machine? What about a milk depot? For the purpose of washing cans or bottles, each washing machine, tub or washing apparatus: $189.90.
These rates went into effect on July 1, 2006—lest you thought 1906.
If you want to know more about the history of New York City's water supply system, you can look elsewhere. Because I am only talking about 21st-century rates here. I have no intention of mentioning that Since 1842, there have been no significant interruptions of service other than brief annual shutdowns for the purpose of routine inspections during the period from 1842 to the Civil War.
Back to this rate schedule. Here's an interesting item, #54 under Other Hospital Charges: One or more autopsy tables (one charge). It's refreshing to know that multiple autopsy tables weigh in at the same price ($151.85) as Developing tank located in reception room, per faucet and Washing machine. Well, who has an autopsy table besides the Medical Examiner or the hospitals, with the possible exception of one Mr. Frank Booth in Blue Velvet? By the way, item #59, a private hydrant, runs a hospital $180.83 in annual charges. And page 24 includes coverage of ship connections: This fee is for tugboats and other vessels connecting to the City water supply on a pier, wharf of bulkhead. Sailors: please take note.
Much has been written about the Water Board and its residential customers—you know, the working people who live in outer Queens and Staten Island—who on good principle refuse to pay their water bills. Little wonder, given how ineffective the meters can be and how ineffectual the bureaucracy can be. By the way, Barge. Water for domestic use only runs $94.94 annually. Gee, how does that DEP guy out at the office in Flushing—how a pro pos to put a Water Board office in Flushing!—come up with these numbers?
Nowadays, the city plans to get tough. Because too many of you are failing to pay your bills. Section 3, Failure to Install a Meter or Remote, which commences at the bottom of page 11 (of 42), warns you that An annual surcharge will be imposed equal in amount to 100% of the last annual unmetered water charge when a Customer fails to install a meter or a remote reading device. The surcharge will be applied from July 1, 2000 until the date the installation takes place, and where a meter is installed by a private plumber, the permit for the work has been returned to DEP. In other words, if you paid zero in 1999, you will still pay zero in fiscal year 2007. And if you paid the princely sum of around twenty-five dollars in 2000, then I guess this year you would be paying $3200, not a great deal. In fact, it's probably less than getting a licensed plumber to get you a permit and to install a meter. Because adding $3200, $1600, $800, $400, $200, $100 and $50 to that original $25 makes for a grand total of $6375, or roughly $800 annually for eight years. For additional laughter, do a full document search on "unusually high"—there are 13 unlucky results in this document. Speaking of the numerologically unlucky number 13, is it pure unluckiness that paragraph 13 under Part 1 - Definitions declares: "Dishonored Check" means a check returned unpaid for any cause. As in: you phoned the bank to cancel payment after mailing it in because your rage at such a high water bill was still uncontrollable. Comment: I had an unusually high Con Edison bill last month. It was as high as July's bill, when the air conditioning was chugging away for many hours. But did I complain? Did I dishonor my check? No, because Con Ed automatically deducts my monthly payment from my checking account. There is no recourse.
Now, what if you get a huge bill that there is no way you are gonna pay? See page 42—the last page, of course. Part IX, Section 2, paragraph D 1 pertains to "Disposition of Late Payment Charges ("LPC") During the Complaint Resolution Process": Customers are advised to pay all charges and appeal afterward. Ho ho ho, did Santa Claus or the Grim Reaper write that clause? If you do not pony up, however, do beware the Water Board: During the complaint resolution process, LPC on unpaid charges continue to accrue until the charges are paid in full. Comment: Try discussing the LPC process with a 311 operator the next time insomnia or nightclub noise keeps you awake late at night. ("Hold on, let me ask my supervisor about that.") Seriously, there are lots of people—you know who you are way out there in outer Queens and Staten Island—who steadfastly refuse to pay and still want to suck water from the NYC teat. So it's no coincidence all three final paragraphs begin with If a Customer decides not to pay a charge.... Because at the Water Board, the Customer is always King, and therefore "c" always Capitalized.
In conclusion, this 42-page document is so utterly gripping and informative that one wonders whether Ben Katchor used an earlier version of it when drawing the Lake Erie Soda-Water Company's System map of New York, showing the system of high pressure soda-water pipes, public and private fountains, cisterns, eructuaries, &c. Katchor of course understood one fundamental of NYC water:
At this time in history, the population of The City of New York is close to 1,000,000 souls—each consuming an average of six glasses of soda-water each day, or 375,000 gal. of liquid. The amount of carbonated waters drawn each day from the Canadian shore of Lake Erie is approximately 100,000,000 gal. Careful investigation has revealed that 96,250,000 gal. of this precious commodity are wasted each day. How can the rational mind explain this prodigious loss of liquid wealth? By what mechanism of abuse does the average soda-water drinker discard a quantity of beverage equal to that which he consumes? Subscribers who are not on the meter system have been known to let their tap "run" until the soda-water reaches the temperature of a chilled drink. They have no regard for the fact that thousands of dollars in capital improvements to the entire system are worn-down by heedless "running" of their tap. If the present wastage of soda-water is not curtailed, through educational or compulsory means, the Great Lake Erie will be drained dry in the next hundred years. [...] What is the future of carbonated water in our great metropolis? Can the Federal government be called upon to underwrite the pleasures of a few well-to-do New Yorkers?
Tags:
carbonated water, con ed, horse trough, water board
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Posted on 1/26/2007
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Chances are you had a beautiful weekend, enjoying the summerlike conditions. In the Brooklyn Botanic Garden, where I saw the cherry blossoms in bloom, the turtles sunning themselves on rocks in the Japanese Hill-and-Pond Garden, plus a gray heron and a hawk in the trees, I had to wonder what this all means.
It's not a normal January by any circumstances, what with a martyred dictator more influential in death than in captivity, with the smell of gas wafting throughout Manhattan today, and with global warming on the rise. As I write, it's presently 59º in Lhasa, altitude 12,500 feet. Not just the climatologists are concerned; acclerating glacial melt has dire consequences, especially for the entire country of Bangladesh.
Speaking of hyperbaric gaseousness, during this beautiful weekend several Chelsea clubs were shut down by the cops, including Sol, Pink Elephant, and Crobar. Smoking? Drugs? Paperwork? Fake IDs? Too many halter tops on a warm weekend? It remains as mysterious as that smell of gas that closed subway stations, office buildings and schools today.
In fact, there were innumerable Con Ed employees out in force probing the sidewalks and sewers with interesting devices attached to long poles, trying to ferret out the source of this evil smell. Speaking of ferrets, I saw a sign at the Met food store this morning about a lost ferret. I wanted to pass this sign to Giuliani & Partners, which has trademarked Rudy's name. Old timers recall what a sworn enemy Rudy is of those dastardly weasels. Perhaps they (those weasels) are responsible for the alleged theft of Rudy's playbook last week, in which we learned of the campaign tactics he might adopt in a presidential run. (Which would have consequences for Giuliani & Partners if some of their less reputable clients were profiled, or his former wife for that matter.) However, I can't explore this topic in greater depth because "trade names and trademarks 'Rudolph Giuliani,' or 'Giuliani Partners LLC' . . . shall not be used . . . without prior written consent."
Tags:
brooklyn, con ed, crobar, pink elephant, rudy giuliani, sol, trademark
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Posted on 1/8/2007
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The NYC Board of Elections has released last month's election results, and it seems quite a few write-in candidates got one vote:
In the race for state comptroller, perennial Disney candidate Mickey Mouse garnered a single vote, as did Derek Jeter.
In the race for governor, old favorites like Al Sharpton and Alton Maddox each got one vote, as did Pat Buchanan. Bloomberg received three votes in this race (he only got one in the comptroller race).
In the race for attorney general, Gene Russianoff and Herman Badillo each got a single vote. Buchanan again got one vote here, Bloomberg got three, and a "Rudy Guilliani" (sic) got a single vote, which can be added to the actual Rudolph Giuliani's tally of one vote, for a total of two votes. Mark Green got five votes, just one vote shy of Maddox's six votes in this race.
In the race for US senator, newly re-elected president of Venezuela Hugo Chavez got one vote, as did "NEED MORE INTEGRETY IRAQ WAS A BIG MISTAKE" and "NO ONE IN PARTICULAR" as well as Ted Kennedy, Maddox, Qeen Mother Mour (sic), former President Bill Clinton, Tweety, Daisy Duck, Miss Piggy, Pat Buchanan, and the former officeholder of this seat, deceased senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan. Humorist Penn Jillette got one vote, indicating that cartoon characters and puppets aren't the only funny candidates out there. Giuliani did quite well in this race, picking up several votes. A formerly unknown candidate named "NEITHER ASSHOLE" also received one vote. In sum, perennial Disney party candidate Mouse did not fare so well in this election year, perhaps underscoring that the electorate's general disgust with politics in 2006 trumped age-old political malaise.
Tags:
derek jeter, hugo chavez, mickey mouse, rudy giuliani, ted kennedy
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Posted on 12/4/2006
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Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and Christmas comes early this year, for Ambassador John Bolton has announced his resignation. Of course, he had zero chance of confirmation in the Senate, but it's refreshing he got out while (as is said) the getting is good. He leaves the United Nations with no accomplishments of note, and without friends and allies in international organizations and the diplomatic community. Had former Senator John Danforth remained in that office, perhaps the killing in Darfur would have by now been mitigated, rather than increased to epidemic proportions. Bolton additionally leaves no shortage of disasters in the Middle East, which aside from Iraq include Iran, Lebanon, Israel, Palestine, and Syria, further proof that it's tough being the ideological bull in the china shop. Perhaps it's fitting his resignation comes on the day that his arch nemesis, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, celebrates his re-election under rather dubious circumstances. (When you're an ideologue, there's never a shortage of enemies.) On the other hand, even the dear friends such as Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan failed to receive much of Bolton's minimalist largesse, as confirmed by a lengthy article today that the police force in Afghanistan is largely incapable of carrying out routine law enforcement work. Which department oversaw the contract for the training of Afghan law enforcement? The same one that oversaw Bolton, the State Department.
As you might expect, the charming man's departure has been greeted with sighs of relief. One salient quotion came from deputy secretary general Mark Malloch Brown: “No comment, he said with a smile,” he said "over his shoulder to reporters who pursued him as he hustled through the corridors of U.N. headquarters on his way to a meeting."
The Times' United Nations correspondent scored some other reports on Bolton's drawing power: In Moscow, the Novosti news agency quoted a Russian foreign ministry spokesman saying that Mr. Bolton had been “a very strong professional, although on a series of issues, including problems of U.N. reform, he supported extremely severe views.” The spokesman added that he hoped President Bush would nominate a successor without “excessive severity in his approach.” In other words, farewell to the extremist.
Another nice observation on Bolton's magentic personality came from the other great Security Council power: “I think he was serious about the American objective here of reforming the United Nations, and he pushed hard,” said Wang Guangya, the Chinese ambassador. “But of course, sometimes in order to achieve the objective, you have to work together with others.” Stated differently, this playground is losing its bully at semester's end.
Tags:
john bolton, united nations
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Posted on 12/4/2006
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