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In keeping with our totally irreverent outlook on getting around cheap in ways the competition hasn't thought of, we present some clever tips on surviving a transit strike:
• barter hard with any taxi driver; these guys have no clue how the stupid zone fare system is supposed to work anyhow. Act like you are in Washington: yell a lot, demand to pay less, then refuse to get out when the cabbie pretends to be angry or asks for more money. Remember, you are method acting, so don't take it too seriously!
• move your meetings to the Grand Central food court or Oyster Bar. Unfortunately, Penn Station and the Port Authority don't have as glamorous food options. But you could hang around the Main Post Office and answer kids' letters sent to Operation Santa.
• get a Chinese commuter van from Canal Street to Flushing; it's probably the cheapest ride in town. Better yet, get the Fung Wah bus on Canal Street to Boston and escape for the weekend.
• forget river crossing lane reversals; just walk in traffic alongside all those honking cars. You'll get there faster.
• buy a Segway at Home Depot, use to cross Brooklyn Bridge. Hey, you can always return it after Christmas. Rollerblading will be tough in this weather, but biking might work, assuming you can weave around the scores of wild-eyed drivers.
• wear boots. You will need them. Also consider bringing a sleeping bag; who knows where you might wind up?
• appoint a leader on your NJ commuter bus to collect tens and twenties from the other passengers. Then your driver will make any additional stops upon request, and if questioned by a dispatcher claim to be stuck in traffic near the Port Authority.
• stay home, especially if you are actually sick. If you've already been coughing on passengers in the subway all week, you've done enough for your fellow commuters.
• pretend you are in Paris or London, where transit strikes have been more frequent. A baguette can be useful for flagging down any vehicle that has an empty seat, for threatening someone else who wants to grab that seat you are running for, or for eating if you are unable to get a seat in any vehicle and are stuck walking in wet muck.
• rent a minivan at Hertz or Avis Upstate and charge $20 per passenger upon entry. You could make hundreds of dollars really fast, as your passengers will bolt once they find out how slow you go. Apologize frequently, saying it's not your fault.
• take your laptop to the nearest Starbucks and telecommute. Stay all day. Purchase a cup of coffee every hour, if only to compensate the store for all the electricity you are sucking out of their outlets. Scream at anybody who annoys you, explaining how inconvenienced you are and demand to know why there is no worker solidarity in the 21st century.
• hire a schoolkid to carry your stuff. All those kids who run around with shovels on snow days hoping to earn ten bucks will be hanging around with nothing to do. Why not hire one to carry that huge suitcase full of junk you normally schlep from the LIRR to the IRT to your office? Make sure the kid runs over lots of tired walkers' feet, just to keep in tune with your usual program. Suggested rate: $1 per 5 blocks, plus tip or candy cane.
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Posted on 12/15/2005
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