A TEDDY VEGAS MEL GIBSON NEWS EXCLUSIVE AND--NEED I SAY IT?-- MORE!

TEDDY VEGAS EXCLUSIVE OF THE DAY:

(With contributions by Correspondents Trey Kollmer and Richard Dinkes)

GIBSON, JEWISH LEADERS MEET; UNDERSTANDING REACHED.

According to sources, Mel Gibson met with high ranking Jewish Officials throughout the day in an attempt to heal the breach caused by his recent anti-semitic outburst. Digital Napkins has managed to obtain a list conditions Mr. Gibson has agreed to meet in order to atone for his actions and be forgiven by the greater Jewish Community.

According to the report, Mr Gibson will:

Play Tevya in the upcoming production of Fiddler.
Co-Host a Chanukah Special with Whoopie Goldberg and Madonna.
Work the words "Schlemiel" and "Shlamazl" into all future anti-semitic rants.
Make a film called "The Passion of the Moyle"
Release a final Mad Max movie entitled "Road Worrier."
Give up Jew bashing for phone throwing (just not at Jews).
Stop saying the Jews control the media --when in fact they only control Hollywood and The New York Times.
Participate in a menage a trois with Jimmy Kimmel and Sara Silverman in which he is not allowed to touch Sara Silverman.
Get circumcised and auction off his foreskin on Ebay with proceeds going to Steven Spielberg's Holocaust Project.
Grow back his mullet, cut it off and then wear it on his face like payus.
Calculate the number of dollars he's earned from Jewish moviegoers and then tattoo that number onto his forearm.
Post bail in gelt.
Adopt "Meshugganeh Mel" as his official Hollywood nick name.

SERIOUS MEL GIBSON OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:

Mel Gibson has really been revealing himself to be a garden variety psycho. But sadly, his psychotic rage towards the Jews is shared by a big part of this psycho world's population. Every time he pops off in some cartoonish fit of paranoid delusional Jew hating--under the flimsy cover of drunkenness or whatever--he actually voices what many people silently feel and gains more fans than he loses. Then he goes into "rehab" in a cynical attempt to wheedle his way back into the good graces of the few fans he lost and re-ingratiate himself with the Hollywood power structure. Let's not fool ourselves, Jew hating has never ever been a bad career move. But even by the standards of racist lunatics world wide, this is a remarkably nutsy-cookoo instance.

ONION-ESQUE (SHALLOT LIKE) IDEA OF THE DAY:

A full page ad in the NYT denouncing the Mel Gibson anti-semitic rant.

We the undersigned condemn Mel Gibson's regrettable drunken anti-semitic outburst. Such raving and inane displays of intolerance undermine the legitimacy of the great cause of anti-semitism and besmirch the dignity of the noble battle against the Zionist State. We implore Mr. Gibson to cease his lamentably dismissable tirades as they only serve to injure our common cause.

Sincerely,
Osama Bin Ladem, Ayhman El-Zawihri, Louis Farakhan, David Duke, Zaccariah Massaoui, Ismail Haniyeh of Hamas, The Nation of Austria, The Aryan Brotherhood Etc.

HASTILY SCRIVENED AD PARODY OF THE DAY:

Mel Gibson for Mannischewitz wine.

"Mmm Mannischewitz. The taste of Jewish tradition. One sip and you'll be filled with the spirit of togetherness. (He sips) Ahh delicious. A few more sips...(He sips) and a few more sips....(He gulps) and a few more sips...(He guzzles) and...and.... and.... you'll begin to feel the guilt and shame of your ancestors' killing Christ---the blood on your hands...the holy blood...the holy dripping blood of that divine being who turned water into wine...wine I may add that tasted much better than this execrable drivel....yes...you will feel shame for this accursed murder and for the endless acts of usury and for your despicable conspiracy to take over the world--and for plotting 9/11 and blaming it on the muslims...clever clever jews...and for the whole invention of the Holocaust...If I EVER have to hear another word from these Hollywood Christ killers about that sickening pack of lies again...I'll I'll I'll...but where was I? Where was I? Oh yes. Mannischewitz. The taste of Jewish tradition. Mmm. Mannischewitz. To life. To life. L'Chaim. Available at fine (and not so fine) wine store everywhere."

FACTOID OF THE DAY:

According to the New Yorker, there are 12 million bloggers in the U.S. So, I guess that means there are about 20 people per blogger. Which means that at 25 to 50 hits per posting, I'm doing prety well! Ah, the glory of lowered expectations.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"In the age of blogging, everyone will be famous for 15 people." (Or in my case, 25-50-- mothahfuckah!).

METEOROLOGICAL OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:

Global warming is a thing of the past. Global broiling has begun. (Or at least global braising.)

QUOTE OF THE DAY #2:

"Maybe I never said "I love you" often enough. Maybe I never meant it when I said it."

--Spoken dramatically, breathlessly during an improv performance at the Upright Citizen's Brigade this weekend.

POST UPRIGHT CITIZEN'S BRIGADE MARATHON REFLECTION OF THE DAY:

Improv versus theater. The thrill of invention versus the blessings of editing.

RENAMING OF THE DAY:

Operation Shock and Awe becomes Operation Shock and Aw Shit, This is Gonna be a Nightmare.

CURIOUS COINCIDENCE OF THE DAY:

Arguably the two most iconic blondes in the world are both married to guys named Ritchie. Pam Anderson with Bob Ritchie (aka Kid Rock) and Madonna with Guy Ritchie. Girls like Ritch guys.

OBSERVATION OF THE DAY:

In gambling one can never win enough. But one can run out of money. One never knows when to quit until one has run out of funds. Otherwise put, greed (and the capacity for self delusion) is limitless. But one's money supply is finite. This is the basic asymmetry exploited mercilessly by the house.

NEWS ITEM OF THE DAY:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060731/sc_nm/science_invisible_dc

Good news for voyeurs, pervs, snoops, anti-social people with megalomanical impulses and pretty much everyone else: Scientists think invisibility may soon be possible.

IRAQ GOOD NEWS OF THE DAY:

No Prominent Military Officials in Bagdad tested positive for steroids yesterday.

CONFIRMED SUSPICION OF THE DAY:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060803/hl_nm/breastfeeding_dc

Breast feeding may reduce anxiety. Damn. Such a shame I was a biter. Woulda spared me a lot of sleepless nights as a kid, adolescent and young man. Ok, and middle aged man too.

CARTOON WITHOUT ILLUSTRATION OF THE DAY:

VIS: Two guys sitting across from each other with their cell phones on the table in front of them.

It bothered Trey that Rich always answered his cell phone and it bothered Rich that Trey never did.

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Posted on 8/3/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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