HAPPY NEW YEAR CARD (With apologies for partially plagiarizing from myself).

For the last two years, I’ve helped Caroline of Caroline’s Comedy Club write her holiday card. The card reads “May the New Year Bring…” and then lists a bunch of desirable items or developments. Below, I’ve listed my contributions to this year’s card in addition to some new wishes I've come up with since. It’s my semi-repurposed way of wishing you a very Happy New Year.

MAY THE NEW YEAR BRING…

A Sarah Silverman Family Christmas Special
An Exit Strategy
The un-brainwashing of Katie Holmes.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s prompt return to acting.
More Intelligent Discussion, Less Intelligent Design.
Cooperation at Ground Zero
The rediscovery of talking as the coolest wireless communication
Countries that still like us
“The Aristocrats” DVD (The Uncensored Version)
Meals-on-Wheels for underfed Celebutants
A copy of Scooter Libby’s Adult Novel
Chappel Show: Season 3.
Stephen Colbert replacing Ted Koppel
Savings of 15% or more on your car Insurance
A Copy of Larry David’s “The Joy of Living.”
A new Racial and Gender Classification for Michael Jackson

An ecstasy tablet for Bill O’Reilly
A muzzle for T.O.
A Lars Von Trier romantic comedy.
Signs of intelligence in the intelligence community.
A Democratic Candidate who knows what he or she stands for.
The re-separation of church and state.
A Knicks team worth watching.
A Snoop Dog/Barbara Bush rap album
A moratorium on celebrity relationships.
A minor aphasia that leaves Tucker Carlson unable to tie a bowtie.
The capture of the fifty-second Al Qaeda operative described as second in command.
A Dick Cheney-Al Franken Celebrity Death Match (with snipers on hand in case Cheney is winning.)

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Posted on 12/31/2005 ( Permanent Link )
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