Chapter Three Peggy Jane's Diary!!!

That evening me and Dave went to my sisters house. My nephew was upstairs peacefully lying on the bed. My mother greeted us at the door and told me to go up and see him. I didn't want to, up until that moment i hadn't cried i was in shock, all though we kind of knew i said to myself it wouldn't happen. this kind of thing never happens to you it is always someone else.
My mum had to practically drag me up the stairs. i can remember being nervous, i didn't know hat to say to my sister, and i felt sick. i walked into the room and it was cold. It was quiet, my sister had "Come Away With Me" by Norah Jones on in the background. I saw him lying there and i broke down. It turned out, I was worried about what to say yet i didn't need to say anything. I held her hand and just cried. She looked, well I can't even explain how she looked. I sat there for a while just crying i couldn't hold it in. I couldn't believe it, i had never seen anyone dead before. It was horrible and that is the lasting image of have of my beautiful nephew. I didn't want to go up i felt i was forced and not allowed to deal with it in my own way.
Later i went and sat outside lit a cigarette and talked to my dad.
He told me that the funeral undertaker, what ever they are called, would be there to take him away soon. He warned me that it would be the worst moment and it was. My dad has never shown his feelings much he gets shy, but he seemed different. They turned up to take him. We all stood out side and my sister was supposed to bring him down. we all stood out the front of the house and heard her screaming from the bedroom, she
 didnt want him to go, she screamed and begged, her then, husband. We all burst into tears. And then Kev(My sisters husband) appeared in the door way and the man place his body covered up on a stretcher type thing and tied him too it in front of us all. It was so insensitive my sister completely broke down crying and falling to the ground it was the worst moment of my life. They put him in the back of the car and didn't secure him.

I can't remember much of that night after that.
Or much of the following days. I had to buy something for the funeral. My parents stayed at my sisters and so did my younger sisters for the next week. Me and Dave stayed at my parents house we couldn't face going back to that hotel. For the next few days before the funeral me and Dave were practically forgotten about. My parents took my sisters on a nice day out shopping an then phoned me and told me all about the nice "FAMILY" day they had together, i had never felt more alone or more of a black sheep. I felt selfish for being upset over it, but it confirmed what i thought already, i wasn't really apart of this family. There I was with my 1 week old baby and no one wanted to spend time with him, some of my family had basically forgotten him and i felt for him so much.

The funeral came and i thought the worst moment of my life and been and gone.....Oh how wrong i was.

The service was so touching and the music was heartbreaking. Lenny Kravitz "calling all angels"  and Norah Jones "The long day is over" and "Come away with me"
During "calling all angels" we had a silent time and i couldn't stop the tears. That is when my younger sister who hates me, held my hand and didn't let go until the service ended.

We all went out side for the burial. All of the aunties and uncles and grandparents held a balloon and let it go when the casket was lowered into the ground, it was awful.

The wake is a blur to me, all but one moment. My younger sister (who always makes me feel like I am 5 years old) said, we should forget the past and start a fresh, be like sisters again.

I was so happy. The next few days brought good luck, we finally got a house, a house equipped for a person with disabilities. It has a through floor lift, which goes from my bedroom to the living room and visa versa, through the floor. It was fantastic news. Before i knew it we were moving in. It needed alot of work but i didn't care it was our home. A home we had wanted 20 months for, they finally gave in thanks to my annoying them with letters phone calls complaints, i think they just wanted to shut me up. It worked.

The next few months were great as me and my sisters started to bond again. I started to think about my future, i was 20 i had never had a proper job. Worked as a waitress cash in hand work, part time etc but nothing real. I left school got married became a housewife and then a mother so i didn't work and then i became ill. I went for a few interviews but nothing came of them.
Of course they didn't say we are not giving you the job because you are disabled, but i knew deep down that was the reason. I can't commit to a job as each day is unpredictable i never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad day, i will have a lot of time off for that and for hospital appointments that i have weekly.

I made a decision to get a business degree, a fashion design degree and a dress making diploma and start my own business. I have always wanted to be a designer i love fashion. So i did i enrolled and started training. I created my own label and a business plan.

Sadly as the months went on the friendship with my sisters began to drift again, they are so close to one another as they have so much in common. I am so different to them i have a different take on things and if you don't see things their way then it is wrong. I accept that not everyone sees things as i do but they are not like that.
Me and my little sister had a huge argument and she accused me of making up that i was ill and said i should not moan about it as my older sister has worse things happen to her i should shut up and get a job.

I was heart broken my sisters didn't believe me or care about what i have to go through. Even now thinking about what she said to me has really upset me.

She can be so hurtful, to so many people and doesn't really care.


A few more months past and I became pregnant again. I really wanted a girl. It was a boy and i wouldn't change it for the world. Through out my pregnancy i had many problems due to my illness and was in hospital for much of the time, during that the only person who visited me was Dave, My older sister didn't even call me and my younger sister left a message on my bedside phone telling me she had a yoga class and she had already paid £2.00 for it so she couldn't miss it and that was it no one else even bothered.

I cried most of the time and when Dave had to leave at the end of visiting time i cried myself to sleep every night.

I eventually went home.
Months later i went into labour at 2am. I didn't have much pain relief, used the gas and air towards the end, and i had baby Daniel he was very small but healthy.
I had an infection after the birth in my womb but went home the same day.

I spent the next few days getting to know my beautiful new baby boy.

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Posted on 5/4/2008 ( Permanent Link )
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