February 22, 2009
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Posted on 2/22/2009
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February 17, 2009
Kim Shansky and Art Shamsky Hi, folks! This is Dorkley Pato for the National Geographic Channel.Y’know, life is already tough enough. But when you got a nasty, crazy woman, that makes things even worse.Not that there aren’t a lot of stoopid idiotic men around, but they’re easier to handle. Just take away their beer. As one guy told me, “Nothing is worse than no beer.” Generally speaking, if you take away a man’s beer for a couple of days he becomes mild as a pussycat.If that doesn’t work, a good, sound punch in the face or a baseball bat upside his head will work wonders for a guy's attitude.You can’t do this with women, however, because they are a protected species, like every other kind of wild animal. And they know they’re protected. That is why after an evening of insulting a man, smacking him, threatening to throw him out of the house and clean him out of all his money, their last words are invariably, “Don’t you dare! I’m going to call the cops on you!”The cops! Who wants to get beat up and maybe shot by the cops, forced to sleep on the filthy concrete floor of a holding cell and dragged before a female judge while his old lady is in the courtroom moaning, “Look what he did to me!”That is why men across America are turning to César Maricón, The Wife Whisperer, whose peaceful techniques for taming and pacifying crazy women have become renowned throughout the world.We have César in the studio here tonight. César, to what do you owe your success in dealing with crazy women?“Well, first of all women trust me because I’m totally gay, like a hairdresser. So since they know that I don’t want to immediately jump on them like a straight guy does, they are willing to listen to me. Second of all, I always get control of the situation, which women crave. Women need to know their place in the animal hierarchy, like wild hyenas in the African veldt.”So now you are going to show us an example.“Exactly. We are going to the New Your mansion of Turdley Wildenstein, one of the richest men in the world. But he still can’t control his woman.
“Here we are at the door. I’ll just ring the bell. Now we are in Turdley Wildenstein’s living room. Turdley, can you explain the problems you are having with your lovely wife, Lunesta?”“She’s spending $20,000 a week on shopping for clothes and cosmetic surgery. She’s had her face lifted so many times that her mouth is up to her eyebrows.”“That’s terrible.”“Yeah. And then she smacked the maid in the head with her cell phone, opening up the woman’s head for 46 stitches, and I had to settle out of court for $500 grand.
“I tried everything. I threatened to divorce her but that just made her worse. I tried to take her credit cards away, but she bit my hand so hard that I had to have a fingernail surgically removed.”“Now, Turdley, did you try removing all the mirrors from the house?”“Why, no!”“So that’s what we’ll do. See, I took out all the mirrors from the house. Now she has nothing to see herself in. See how she’s running from room to room looking for a mirror? Now she’s getting tired, until she just slumps down on the floor from exhaustion and starts drinking from a bottle of vodka that she pulled from her handbag.
“Now, when she’s passed out on the floor, you can go in her wallet and take away her credit cards.”“César, you’re a genius!”“Next we’re going to JFK Airport, where a crazy woman has missed her plane because she was too busy shopping in the duty-free shop. See, she’s throwing a fit. She’s screaming, banging on the ticket counter, stamping her feet and throwing herself on the floor.
“The reason she’s doing this is because all her life she has learned she can get anything she wants by throwing insane fits of rage. Her father, her boyfriends, her husband have always given in to her fits, so now she thinks that if she stamps her feet and goes ballistic the airport authorities will make the pilot turn the plane around and come back for her.
“Now in a case like this, you have to take her space away from her. See, I’m moving up close to her and refusing to back off. Every time I move up, she backs away.
“Now I have her backed all the way back to a broom closet, away from the passenger area, where there’s no audience to watch her throw a fit. Now she’s totally exhausted and demoralized. I just slip a muzzle on her and the airport cops can move in and arrest her without having to taser her or shoot her.”Another job well done.“Now we are going to Gallagher’s Steak House in midtown, where the ex-wife of former baseball hero Art Shamsky, Kim Shamsky, is waiting for him to come out so she can assault him and scream at him. She claims he left her with AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, bedbugs, crabs and cancer from sleeping with other men and then infecting her while they were married. She’s got a reporter from The New York Post and a video cameraman with her so they can blast the whole incident over the front page of tomorrow’s edition of The Post.
“Here comes Art Shamsky out the door of the restaurant. Let’s see what she does now.”“You whoremongering faggot piece of garbage! You infected me with every disease known to man, you piece of garbage! I had to have my uterus removed because of you, you degenerate scumbag!”
“Are you getting this, boys?”“Yeah, we’re getting the whole thing, Kim.”“See how Art Shamsky’s running away from her with his tail between his legs? He’s on the defensive. He doesn’t know what to do. Kim Shamsky is the dominant dog. She’s dominating the whole situation.
“Now, look what I do. First I bribe the Post reporter with free tickets to the Knicks game. Then I hire a Korean hooker to push her tits into the face of the video cameraman and offer him free sex. See, they’re leaving.“Now Kim Shamsky realizes that nobody is paying any attention to her screaming fit. To placate her I give her a rubber dog bone with a bell in it and a little squeaky mouse to play with, and she’s happy, playing with the little doggy toys. Meanwhile, Art Shamsky is able to jump in a taxi and get away.”Well, that’s all for this week, folks. Tune in next week, when we’ll accompany César Maricón to Alaska and see how he prevents Governor Sarah Palin from cutting off her brother-in-law’s testicles with a butcher knife
This is Dorkley Pato for Nat Geo.
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Posted on 2/17/2009
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February 11, 2009
Someday the truth will emerge about how Republican interests, fearing a presidential run by Hillary Clinton, threw massive resources behind dark horse candidate Barack Obama, whom they figured didn’t have a chance in hell to win, only to watch in horror as the banking system collapsed just weeks before the election, and Obama being swept into power with a massive Democratic majority by a fearful electorate.Obama, whose deep thinking is way to the left of that of the Clintons, is not pursuing half-measures. He is doing what he believes is necessary to bring the U.S. in line with other western democracies, and doing what he can to salvage what is left of a diseased and desiccated social system before it dissolves into chaos and eventually disintegrates.Whether he can marshal the resources necessary to bring about a turnaround is a problematic hypothesis. I personally give him less than a 10% chance to clean up this mess. Sales of gold bullion and American Eagle gold coins are mushrooming because of lack of confidence that the dollar will survive as a currency. Right-wing media is beating a continual campaign of resistance to what they are featuring as a communist coup d’état in Washington. The battle lines are being drawn, and they are a lot narrower than the Democrats’ current 60% - 40% margin in Congress.If you don’t receive preventive care for a condition and it finally erupts into a medical catastrophe, the costs for care explode exponentially, and that is what happened to American society. Even as they apply triage to an expiring financial system that long ago outlived its usefulness, it is breaths away from dying and shutting down nourishment in the form of financing to the various social extremities. This is what Karl Marx predicted 140 years ago: crises of capitalist credit mechanisms occur “where the ever-lengthening chain of payments, and an artificial system of settling them, has been fully developed.” This essentially means that the ultimate expression of capitalism invariably leads to collapse. And Marx was not even contemplating the entrenched kleptocracy of wholesale looting that was encouraged to flourish here by a systematic looting by the banks, corruption of the rating agencies and emasculation of the regulatory organs.The solution advanced by Obama and Geithner is akin to a blood pumping machine that essentially replaces the heart and pumps energy to the rest of the body until a new heart, or banking system, can be constructed and grafted on. Where he runs afoul of the entrenched interests is that while he is prepared to set up a mechanism to cleanse the system of the toxic assets created and propagated by it, he is showing no interest in indemnifying the banks’ shareholders. Under a hypothetical Republican administration confronted with the same circumstances, which is what we would be facing now if the banks had collapsed one month later, or after the election, the solution would have been diametrically opposite – an indemnification of the banks’ equity holders with the rest of us scrambling to get whatever dregs would percolate down the system.The capitalist class is now gearing up for the fight of its life, only they won’t represent it as anything so crass as losing their bank shares. They will fight back on grounds of ideology, reducing it to sound bytes for Bill O’Reilly and Ann Coulter to incessantly repeat ad nauseum until huge blocks of society are set against each other.Whichever side ultimately prevails, the end result will be the same – economic consolidation: of banking; of the automotive industry; of energy and transportation. When presented with a similar breakdown in France in the 1950’s President de Gaulle correctly enforced consolidation of the economy’s major sectors, producing what is today the world’s fifth largest economy. More than any other western leader I can think of, de Gaulle’s experience in resuscitating a moribund society is the most relevant to the present situation.That consolidation of industrial sectors as an ongoing necessity for industrial survival is affirmed by no less an authority than John D. Rockefeller, who pioneered the modern corporation. No friend to the concept of social Darwinism or laissez-faire, which he considered disruptive and chaotic, unleashing instability and volatility in a marketplace that craves order and stability, Rockefeller wrote:“The struggle for the survival of the fittest, in the sea and on the land the world over, as well as the law of supply and demand, were observed in all the ages past until the Standard Oil Company preached the doctrine of cooperation, and did it so successfully and so fairly that its most bitter opponents were won over to its views and made to realize that rational, sane, modern, progressive administration was necessary to success.”This may sound self-serving, but in today’s world the oil company that has just now posted the largest earnings of any publicly owned corporation in history, Exxon Mobil, is none other than the modern descendant of Rockefeller’s Standard Oil Corporation.This obviously begs the question: if consolidation of industry is an ongoing economic necessity, and Rockefeller and Marx are not so far apart in their economic model, which interests or class of people are best suited to be in charge if such an economic monolith? The answer is social, with each society determining the qualifying factors of who should be in charge. This is obviously idiosyncratic, with factors having nothing to do with economics determining who sets economic policy.The point to remember is that no one sector is any more entitled than any other to determine economic policy. It should be for the most capable and the most qualified to lead, which is rarely the case. In this country that leadership has heretofore been reserved for a class of white persons coming from a very narrow band of culture. We are all bearing witness to the residual effect of that class of persons having lost its dynamism. We are being beat out of world markets at an alarming rate as the Anglo-Saxon business model recedes in importance.I essentially believe that it is becoming more and more urgent for Americans to absorb lessons from other successful cultures, following the Japanese model for emulating success. It is instructive to note that while Standard Oil enjoyed a near-monopoly in America, it was forced to co-exist in world oil markets with Dutch and Anglo-French consortiums whose descendants also still exist today. Flexibility and application of marketing techniques to world markets are the keys to survival.Right now I give Obama a big edge for his determination to mobilize the use of new sources of energy to power government installations. This is a big step up from leaving it up to the haphazard free-market ideology of letting it grow any which way. That this encouragement of a new industry by the awarding of government contracts is the correct course is made obvious by the frenzied Republican opposition to it. Government contracts for small, innovative artisanal operators could mean a big breakthrough in expanding that industry, as well as bringing into play a whole new class of persons (which will naturally result in consolidation and rationalization of that industry farther on down the line). This is the kind of forward strategic thinking of which even de Gaulle would approve.We are now witnessing incremental signs of regenerated world economic activity. The Baltic Dry Index, which sets freight rates for transport of primary resources like coal and iron ore, has shot up 50% in the last week (though it is still down 80% form its peak), spurred by depletion of raw material inventories in China. This has resulted in some mining activity in Australia, as well as boosting banking and transport stocks in Scandinavia. Isolated industries such as German automotive companies like BMW and the oil sector are performing well. Spain’s Banco Santander, Europe’s largest by market capitalization, is set to report an €8.8 billion profit on last year. These indicators are the evidence that we are not living in 1929. As these dots continue to appear, like isolated electric lights appearing after a blackout, and get connected, combined with aggressive and innovative activity from the top (Obama) to ensure that poor, hapless suckers like this writer don’t get flushed down the drain, the totality of it may yet merge to form the image of an improved world.
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Posted on 2/11/2009
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February 04, 2009
I got a lifetime membership at Belly’s Total Fatness.Now I can join Joba Chamberlain and CC Sabathia when they play bumper cars in the bullpen at the new Yankee Stadium. The reason for the new stadium is that these two tubbies were too fat to fit into the old stadium.When Chamberlain heard that Sabathia was coming to the Yankees, he had a flashback to the 2006 playoff game in Cleveland and started running around screaming “The flies! The flies!” MLB is so excited that they are developing a pitching machine that can throw a Big Mac into Chamberlain’s mouth from a distance of 60 feet 6 inches.The problem about baseball is that everybody spends the most beautiful part of the year worrying about October.People should stop complaining about Michael Phelps and the Jets' Shaun Ellis smoking reefer. It’s obviously enhancing their job performance. Instead of complaining, they should find out what these guys are smoking and give some to the other athletes. It obviously helped Plaxico Burress the only time he ever missed the ball, which is when he stuck the gun in the waistband of his sweatpants at the Latin Quarter and it went off, missing his balls by a couple of inches. I bet he’s happy about that.Phelps may lose out on a couple of endorsements, but he’ll probably get one from the Mexican Marijuana Growers Association, MOTA (Mexican Organization for Training Athletes). Kobe Bryant of the Lakers scored an all-time high of 61 points against the Knicks. It’s a shame that every time an athlete does great at Madison Square Garden, he’s from an opposing team. I’m taking up a collection to buy ex-Knicks president Isiah Thomasa full bottle of Lunesta, so that the next time he decides to check out, he has all the resources to finish the job. In the meantime, you got Eddy Curry, who has played exactly 3 minutes this season, and is being sued by his male chauffeur for sexual harassment; and Stephon Marbury, who isn’t even allowed into the Garden despite collecting $28 million. All you can say about the Knicks is that they seem to be doing better this year because at least they’re losing by smaller margins.Oh, New York sports is a real mess. The Wilpons family, who owns the Mets, got swindled out of $500 million dollars by super scam artist Bernie Madoff, who now seems to be picking the team roster. They signed Oliver Perez, who was 10-7 last year, but declined to pick up Manny Ramirez, who could have done a lot more for the team. The only good thing is that they are bringing back manager Jerry Manuel, who learned from managing the White Sox that the only thing players like José Reyes understand is a big knife.The greatest performance at the Super Bowl was from Bruce Springsteen, who I thought was going to pass out from working so hard during his half-time show. This guy is no kid, and with all that jumping around and sliding across the stage on his knees, all the while singing and playing, he looked worse than James Harrison after his 100 yd. interception and run-back touchdown. The problem is, Harrison pulled that neat little feat too early in the game and everybody forgot about it in all the excitement about Larry Fitzgerald and Antonio Holmes scoring touchdowns. Ben Roethlisberger’s back is not big enough for all the letters in his name, and you have to be a college professor even to read it, never mind pronounce it. Between Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner, there were so many Germans that I thought I was watching a rerun of “Hogan’s Heroes”. Now that Kurt Warner has crapped out again, Hollywood is taking him and Brett Favre and putting them in a remake of “Grumpy Old Men.” (“You don’t know shit about football!” “Oh, yeah? Take that!” Hits him with his cane) I feel sorry for Sean Avery, who was thrown out of hockey for referring to his ex-girlfriend as sloppy seconds. Hell, they should get a look at my old girlfriends, who are sloppy thirds, fourths, fifths and leftovers. (I know, I know…)Well, that’s all, folks. I got to go back to my job of shining up the Porto-Sans at KeySpan Stadium in time for the Brooklyn Cyclones opener.
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Posted on 2/4/2009
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