October 31, 2008

My Own Worst Enema (or: Here Come The Knicks!)

Isiah Thomas did absolutely the right thing in trying to commit suicide by overdosing on Lunesta. I recommended over a year ago in this blog that he take himself out of the picture, along with the rest of that gang of mutts. Anbody who believes that I am exaggerating can check out my previous posts.

Heaven forbid that the basketball season should begin without another freakin Knicks soap opera. At least this time Isiah Thomas tried to do the right thing by killing himself. Only, as usual, he made a botch-up job of it.

There ain’t enough Lunesta pills to go around for all the Knicks that deserve them, from the Big Cheese, James Dolan, himself, on down to Marbury and Eddy Curry. May I suggest that the next time Thomas decides to check out, he resort to a more satisfactory method, like doing a swan dive off the George Washington Bridge. And not into the water – he might survive. Oh no! There are plenty of rocks for him to land on. And let him take Dolan and the rest of the Knicks with him, including that human floor mop, Anucha Browne Saunders. And while he’s at it he might as well bring all the other misfits who are polluting New York sports, like Willie Randolph, Joe Girardi, and Mr. Gold Panties, Jason Giambi.

Even after getting canned as the Knicks head coach, Thomas still hasn’t gotten finished being a bozo. Thomas’ latest contribution to the Knicks, as an “advisor” was to go over to Italy and sign a seven-foot Italian meatball named Danilo Galinari, who crapped out after exactly one exhibition game. Thanks a lot, Isiah.

The pity is that Thomas didn’t have a whole bottle of pills to take, and now he continues to take up the earth’s resources that could go to a more deserving athlete, like John Daly ha-ha!

The Knicks are a perfect miniature portrait of why New York has completely gone to the dogs, with idiots and cretinous imbeciles pulling down huge salaries to totally f8€? up. I don’t care if it’s the Knicks, the Yanks, the Mets (fortunately at least we got Brett Favre and Eli Manning, so the rest of us can at least have Sundays without jumping in the river), Wall Street, the rotten sportswriters – the City is developing into a huge flush toilet. Frankly, what New York needs is a good hurricane.

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October 13, 2008

The Soprano Mortgage Company

TONY – Pignoni, you piece of garbage, you got the protection money you owe me for guaranteeing labor peace on your construction site?

PIGNONI – I swear to ya’, Tony, I’ll have ya the money next week.

TONY – That’s not good enough. I know where I can get the money right now.

PIGNONI – Where’s that?

TONY – It’s where I cut your balls off and sell them to Rutgers University for stem cell research. Silvio, you and Paulie hold this ‘ungatz’ down.

PIGNONI – No no wait, Tony! You can have the houses! I don’t want them.Take the houses, pleeeeze, Tony!

*********

FURIO – Whaddaya gonna do with those houses, Tony?

TONY – We’re going into the real estate business. Let’s go see Reverend Wright.

********

TONY – Rev. Wright, you and your men did a good job of keeping up the pressure on Pignoni. Here’s your cut.

REV. WRIGHT – I like to think of it as a charitable donation to the church.

">TONY – Well, since we’re on the subject, me and the boys want to do some good work for your people, to make up for the hundreds of years of oppression, so we’re donating you the new housing development on Borden Avenue for your congregation.

REV. WRIGHT -I’m dumbfounded by your generosity, Tony. I always knew you were a good man at heart.

TONY – It just goes to show you, you can’t tell a crook by its cover. I just need you to do one thing for me. Let your people sign these adjustable-rate sub-prime mortgages.

REV. WRIGHT – But what happens when the rates go up and they can’t pay?

TONY – Don’t worry about anything. I’ll help them out. I’ll get them jobs at one of my toxic waste facilities.

REV. WRIGHT – Whatever you say, Tony.

***********

CHRISTOPHER – Waddaya gonna do with those mortgages?

TONY – We’re gonna go see Bernstein the Shylock.

********

BERNSTEIN – Why are you showing me those worthless mortgages?They’re not worth the paper they’re written on.

TONY – I want you to buy them for $5 million.

BERNSTEIN – You’ve lost your mind.

TONY – Well, in that case I’ll sweeten the deal for you. Come out to the parking lot. I’ve got something I want you to see.

TONY – [opening the trunk of his Cadillac] Bernstein, take a look at this!

BERNSTEIN – That’s my wife and daughter!

HOSTAGES – Mmmmpppfff!Mmmpppfff!

TONY – I know these pirates in Somalia who are opening a strip bar in Mogadishu, and they’re willing to pay a lot of money for blonde Jewish women.

PAULIE – Yeah, but these broads are not natural blondes, ya’ fuck! We checked.

TONY – Yeah, we had to knock some money off the price.

BERNSTEIN – All right, what do you want me to do?

TONY – Now you’re being reasonable. All I want you to do is bundle these mortgages into derivative securities and sell them to your rich Jew friends.

PAULIE – In the meantime, well entertain your wife and daughter.

TONY – Don’t feel bad. I’ll even pay you a commission on the securities you sell.

*************

BERNSTEIN – Mrs. Schwartz, I came to you first with this because I’ve known you all my life. These securities are rated AAA by Moody’s and S&P. They pay 10% and they’re virtually no-risk.

MRS. SCHWARTZ – You’ve always been good boy, Norman. I’ll sell my AIG stock and buy your securities because I trust you completely.

*********

SILVIO – Whaddaya gonna do with all that loot, Tony?

TONY – Buy distressed mortgages for five cents on the dollar. If McCain gets elected he says the government will buy them all at face value.

CHRISTOPHER – But what if Obama gets in?

TONY – Even better. If Obama gets elected, we get Rev. Wright as Secretary of Housing.

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