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September 30, 2007

50 Million Cavemen Can't Be Wrong!



Even the GEICO Cavemen tune in to www.200motels.net for information and entertainment. You should too!

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September 30, 2007

CAUTION - FLYING BANKERS!



The Coney Island Cyclone roller coaster ride may be closed for the season but don’t worry, your bank account is getting ready for the ride of its life.

As the consequences of the sub-prime mortgage disaster continue to concentrically spread from the center like an oil stain on a white dress shirt, central bankers are vainly trying to contain the damage like a Federal Reserve Chairman with a bottle of stain remover five minutes before his big speech. Good luck, chump!

Meantime, all these geniuses are passing the blame for this disaster onto each other like a hot potato. Not since the execution of Mary Queen of Scots in 1587 have so many big shots been out of the room. In his new book, subtitled “Don’t Blame Me”, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan blames the Bush administration for its loose-booty fiscal policies. The Bushies are pointing the finger back at Greenspan, as though he were the one responsible for the tax cuts and the hundreds of billions wasted on the Iraq war. The British Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alastair Darling (as in “Kiss Me, Darling”) blames the American retail mortgage lenders for selling mortgages to unqualified buyers. As though the financial geniuses in the City of London don’t have the brains to do due diligence on the securities they bought!

This sub-prime mortgage disaster seems to be shaping up as an Anglo-Saxon phenomenon because most of the idiot bond traders were able to buy and sell the worthless securities speaking the English language. A lot of very rich markets weren’t even touched by it, and now that wealth is more evenly spread around the world many emerging markets may be able to rise in importance relative to the English countries and a few hitchhiking suckers, notably the French, who went along for the ride.

Now that the western central banks have declared that they will accept the worthless bonds as security for extending loans to banks so that they don’t default, the western governments have effectively become buyers of last resort for the investment banks to dump their worthless investments. Until the money runs out…

And the bankers know plenty that we don’t know, that’s for sure. That’s why they are whistling in the wind and pretending everything’s peachy, while secretly their knees are knocking.

Want to buy a home or a luxury Duisenberg touring car? Just wait ‘til next year when you’ll be able to pick one up for a song – if you still have two nickels to rub together. Of course, those nickels won’t be worth shit anyway. The European currency is currently at $1.42 American and predicted to go as high as $1.48 by the beginning of 2008, while the dollar is at its historic all-time low. Europeans are discussing a rate cut because French president Sarkozy is bitterly complaining that French exports to North America are taking a beating, though the Germans, who have a more diversified export market for their machinery, are not yet feeling any pain at all to speak of. The ECB prime lending rate is already relatively low, at 4.00 % compared to the American rate of 4.75%, which shows how strong the fundamental economic position is for Europe vis à vis the U.S. What if the ECB cuts its rate and their currency keeps getting stronger, buoyed by increased exports ha-ha, then what?

People better watch where they walk, for fear of being squashed by a falling banker. Two days after the British investment bank Northern Rock was saved by the bell from collapsing by the Bank of England, they declared a dividend for their top officers, the blokes who did such a fine job of loading the place up to the ceiling with worthless investments in sub-prime mortgage securities. These guys can take their dividends and have one final blow-out before they open the window and jump out.

A victim of globalization, I was knocked out of the box long ago. But I’m happy now.I have no assets to seize. In fact, I have an edge on all these analysts and structured finance accountants – I know how to survive in a jungle.

Things got so bad for me at one point that while I was commuting to my shit job at a white shoe law firm, the bus driver jammed the brakes before I was able to reach my seat. For fun. To watch me go flying around through his rear-view mirror.  As a result I broke my arm, requiring surgery. Now I have not one, but two personal injury law firms going after the MTA for me. You don’t get two personal injury firms at work for you unless you have an extremely strong case.

The only problem is, I’m going to get paid in dollars, which are sinking every day, and which are going to sink like a lead weight. I guarantee you, Bush’s family, being advised what he was doing to the economy, got out of dollars long ago, the same as he let the Saudi royal family flee the country after he fucked up 9/11. I intend to immediately do the same as soon as I get my hands on my settlement.

But where to go? The British pound and the euro are going to collapse too. It looks like the Swiss franc for me, because those Swiss bankers are the world’s biggest pricks and it’s not likely that they let themselves get sucked in. If there is a decline of western civilization this collapse of the international monetary system has to be an integral part of the process. Who is to blame? Nations can be sapped of their vigor by bad leadership. This certainly seems to be shaping up as the case for the (formerly) industrialized west. No amount of effort can overcome the handicap of a blundering, myopic ruling class. Our continuing decline has been long and steep, and our loss of manufacturing capacity is not the least of it. How much wealth can be generated by a population that is mainly employed talking on the telephone? Financial services alone cannot keep a country rich. Even Switzerland, the world’s greatest banking country, still makes watches and chocolates.

We have been led down the garden path for reasons that have not been made comprehensible to us. People think of skills these days in terms of interpersonal relations and clicking on a computer mouse. Everybody wants to be a stockbroker, and look where that has led us!

At the beginning of the twentieth century Argentina enjoyed a standard of living equivalent to the United States. Unfortunately they suffered under a corrupt and grasping oligarchy and ham fisted military rule for most of the century. The depletion of our military establishment due to the war in Iraq may have postponed the latter occurrence, but we are firmly in the grip of the former.

This writer has long maintained that a culture only learns from long experience of suffering. Now the American people are going to learn the hard way what they refused to learn through education and reflection: wishing does not make it so. Anyway, I’ll be long gone.

It’s now coming time for the winds of change. Other countries and cultures will soon have the chance to show what they can do. I wish them luck!


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Posted on 9/30/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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September 27, 2007

SOUL FOOD



Professional idiot and right-wing ideological commentator Bill O’Reilly, remarking on his recent dinner date with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s Soul Food Restaurant in Harlem, noted that he was astonished that eating in a black-owned restaurant was the same as eating anywhere else.

“It was like going into a normal place where people were ordering and sitting there eating and having fun,” he said. "I thought it was going to be like the Mau-Mau rebellion, with machete-wielding savages running around screaming and falling over dead drunk!

“Actually, the people were sitting around and eating normally and eating with knives and forks, just like white folks. I couldn’t believe my eyes!

“At first I was scared shitless to go up to Harlem, but Al told me that since I was going to be with him the natives would leave me alone. What a relief!”

O’Reilly admits that he has lived a sheltered life. “I grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the 1960’s.There wasn’t a black face around for miles in any direction. The only black people we saw were rioters on television.

#00ffff; " color="#a52a2a">“I admit I’m a rube. I don’t know shit. Anybody who listens to anything I tell them are bigger idiots than I am.”

Nevertheless, O’Reilly admits to enjoying Sylvia’s soul food cuisine. “We had the Ritz Crackers with Cheez Whiz, KFC fried chicken with rat droppings and fried M&M’s with a chilled bottle of Ripple. The only problem I had with the meal was having to look at Al Sharpton’s face while I ate, which was like having to look at a rubber African mask.”

In an unrelated incident, Mayor Mike Bloomberg compared the Iraq war to the American Revolution, saying that the Americans were now playing the role of the British. When asked later why he employed that comparison, Bloomberg responded, “I had to. That’s all I know. What else am I going to compare it to, the campaigns of Alexander the Great? I don’t know shit about Alexander the Great or anything else. I know about business and making money. That’s how I got to be mayor – I bought it, and if I get elected president it’ll be the same thing.

“Making money is a great thing to know. Plenty of people wish they knew how to do it. After the losers and geeks who have been losing money for this country all these years, it would be a very salutary thing to have a president who knows how to make some for a change.

“But don’t expect any deep historical thinking or anything else like that from me.”



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September 23, 2007

Oscar De La Hoya's Panties



Oscar De La Hoya models his signature line of nasty ladies' panties

Sept. 23 200motels News Service 

Boxing champ Oscar De La Hoya modeled his signature line of transsexual lingerie at New York’s fashion week to resounding praise and cheers from the sports community.

“A triumph,” is how it was described by boxing impresario Don Queen (formerly King), who attended the show wearing a pair of crotchless panties from Frederick’s of Hollywood.


De La Hoya said, “It takes a real man to wear fishnet stockings.I plan to fight my next boxing match in high heels and a feather boa. Remember, gay guys have a lot of disposable income, and the WBA wants to get them interested in boxing.”


The show, sponsored by Victoria’s Secret, was a charity event, with the proceeds going to buy a deluxe Porto-San for Republican Senator Larry Craig. “That way he can cruise guys in the privacy of his own public toilet instead of hanging out in airport lavatories,” said De La Hoya.


As De La Hoya strutted down the runway to the musical accompaniment of the Village People singing “YMCA”, he was greeted by cheers of “¡Maricón pato pendejo!”, which translates into English as, “Daahling, you look mahvelous!”


After the show, he summed up his attitude to wearing women’s panties: “I am not gay. But after I kick your ass in the ring, maybe I’ll suck it in the locker room
.”

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THE DECLINING WORLD PRICE OF PUSSY
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Posted on 9/23/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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September 21, 2007

There's Something About Bushy



What is it about Bushy that makes the establishment regard him with dead seriousness no matter how blatantly he fucks up?

People used to refer to Ronald Reagan as The Teflon President and he got a free pass too, but his blunders were at least mitigated by an undeniable sense of glamour and a seamless, though pedestrian, speaking style honed from a lifetime in show business.

Bush has none of these atouts.He’s an idiot, as are all his appointees.You would have to go back to the sixteenth century Scottish court, the model for Shakespeare’s Macbeth, to find a more hapless group of maladroit, blathering butchers than the current collection of freaks and geeks who are running the country off a cliff with the mindless zeal of drunken lemmings.

Americans are comfortable around idiots.They find them loveable, like Ralph Kramden and The Beaver.When I was an adolescent, I had an uncle who berated me, “Why can’t you be a kid like on ‘Ozzie and Harriet?’Yeah right, Ozzie and Harriet!

Go in any house in the country and you’ll find a family trying, and failing, to shoehorn itself into a stereotypical mold cast by the producers of a television sitcom like The Simsons: the irrepressible dolt of a father, the all-controlling, nurturing mother and the wayward but essentially decent children.These Norman Rockwell stereotypes were invented to sell detergent.Ideally, people should be aspiring upward, not downward.

But who am I talking to?Nobody!I’m like a nut job yelling at people from atop a soapbox in Hyde Park.Fuck you, you morons!Do whatever you want!

In any event, what we have in George W. Bush, and in his father, and in Clinton, Reagan, etc. are comforting father figures who are dutifully adored by their idiot children.It’s interesting to note that the only two adult figures to achieve the presidency were Nixon and Carter, who are perfectly reviled by history.Nixon was insane.Bush is also insane, but he’s cute.He’s a loveable moron.He falls off his bicycle; he doesn’t know the difference between Austria and Australia; he high-fives people when he says something stupid and when he fucks up he forgets about it and moves along to the next fuckup.Just like Homer Simpson.

This bodes ill for Hillary Clinton in the long run because she’s a serious woman and will probably be ground to dust by the inexorable public longing for an idiot grandfather who throws fits at the breakfast table and pitches a box of cornflakes at the head of his body-pierced granddaughter, like in every house in America.

People respect brains when they’re utilized in commerce, but it ends there.I was explaining to my girlfriend, Magpie, how Al Gore let his voters down in 2000 when he failed to mobilize millions of voters to march on Washington to protest the Republicans stealing the election.She said, “Gore had bad advisers.”I responded, “Ultimately the decision rested on Gore.He didn’t act decisively like a leader.”

She glared at me with malevolence.“If you’re so smart, why aren’t you rich?”She’s right.In terms of this society, I stink.I haven’t devoted enough of my efforts to chiseling and stealing like her ex, Adolph, who had a house in the Hamptons and a cigarette boat until they locked him up for running a ponzi fraud.Money talks, and meantime I am writing worthless nonsense.

I know a bond trader who was addicted to Beaver and Butthead.How many billions of dollars worth of sub-prime mortgage backed securities was this guy authorized to buy?People long for a fantasy world of bullshit.Whatever you think of Dan Rather, he is a serious person.He reported what everybody knows, that Bush was a Vietnam draft dodger.For this CBS threw him off the air in disgrace and replaced him ultimately with Katy Couric, who is an idiot, whom they are paying almost three times as much as much as they paid Rather, and who is tanking in the ratings.

I never watched Dan Rather.His downhome country style bored the shit out of me.I preferred Peter Jennings, who was an airhead too, but he was more European.If ABC News had tried to force Peter Jennings to apologize for reporting a story that he knew to be true, I believe he would have known that he had played out his string there and left, instead of caving in like Rather and getting the boot anyway.Rather can’t get a job anywhere.Peter Jennings could have at least returned to Canada and gone back to work for the CBC, which is where he started.

Meanwhile, like baboons, people are still not coming to grips with the concept that Mr. Mission Accomplished was a full-blown draft dodger like Cheney, like Giuliani, Romney, the whole Republican leadership.They had a chance to vote for a genuine war hero, John Kerry, but he was ripped to shreds by jealous Republicans and now he is a national joke, while the Republican girly men are running around all puffed up like heroes.Kerry got what he deserved because he was guilty of pandering to the asshole national audience with that “Reporting for duty” shit instead of playing it straight, which is what he should have done.Win or lose, you ultimately have to live with yourself.



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Posted on 9/21/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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September 17, 2007

THE OJ SIMPSON SPORTS MEMORABILIA COLLECTION



Hi folks, I’m OJ Simpson for the Bullshit Channel.You know, when you’ve been blessed to lead a life like mine, as a historic sports hero and an acclaimed movie and television star, sometimes all the public adoration and celebrity can go to your head.You start to believe you can get away with anything.

I’ve had some wild times; dashing through airport terminals, climbing over walls, hacking people to shreds with a knife and then writing books about it…

Fortunately, I’ve been supported by my fans, notably African-Americans, who have never let me down, like the twelve jurors who voted to acquit me in spite of the overwhelming evidence against me.

Once again I am in trouble, this time for rescuing my sports memorabilia from a criminal clique of gangsters and profiteers who had planned to cash in on my life’s work without even sharing any of the profits with me.

Now that I am back in possession of my treasures, I’d like to share them with you, the viewing audience, in the hope that you will support my cause by bidding for them, and thereby help me to defray some of my legal expenses.Therefore I am presenting you The OJ Simpson Sports Memorabilia Collection, commemorating great moments in sports history lived by me and a few of my closest friends.

The first item I’d like to share with you is a photograph of me with former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover taken at the Kentucky Derby at Churchill Downs.What makes this photo a one-of-a-kind collector’s item is that Director Hoover is wearing a dress.Now, this is certainly something you don’t see every day, folks, at least until New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani started showing up at social functions dressed like Marilyn Monroe and living with gay guys.

The next item is the broken baseball bat thrown by Yankee pitcher Roger Clemens at Mets batter Mike Piazza after Piazza told Clemens that his wife’s crotch smelled like a French camenbert cheese.Naturally, Clemens doesn’t like the French at all, and as a result this bat had to be surgically removed from Piazza’s butt, which makes it all the more remarkable.Look, it still has the brown stains on it!

Now this next piece should appeal to you animal lovers out there in Televisionland.This is the stick that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick used to pry open the mouths of his pit bull fighting dogs before his career as a dog fighting impresario was so rudely shut down by the cops.As Whoopi Goldberg so delicately put it, the police simply have no respect for cultural differences.

Now, here are some used hypodermic syringes not used by Giants slugger Barry Bonds to inject steroids into his butt.And next to them are some condoms used by Mets catcher Paul LoDuca during his anthropological research into the mating habits of Philadelphia strippers.

This little beauty should excite fans of New York Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez.This is the “Fuck You” t-shirt worn by A-Rod’s wife, Cynthia, to cheer him on during games at Yankee Stadium.

But here is the pièce de résistance: a copy of my book “If I Did It,” autographed by none other than the father of my supposed victim, Ron Goldman.Let me hold this up for the camera.See, the inscription reads “So what if OJ is a murderer.Money is money.”Now, there’s a ringing endorsement, folks!

Did I do it?Who can remember back that far?But here’s the bloody glove I did or didn’t wear that fateful night.And for the high bidder for the glove, I will throw in, absolutely free of charge, a free ride in the white Ford Bronco.That’s if they ever let me out of the Las Vegas Jail, that is.


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September 14, 2007

www.200motels.net



We all have our own cross to bear.  But you can make your life easier by tuning into

www.200motels.net,

the Internet's most fascinating web site, which has the latest news and opinion, not to mention fantastic poetry and fiction.

Be there or be nowhere:
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September 12, 2007

BEWARE OF THE BASTARD!



In March of 1566, David Riccio, a courtier at the court of Mary Queen of Scots, visited the court astrologer, Damiot, in Hollyrood castle, where Mary was then residing.


“Beware of the bastard,” Damiot told Riccio, warning him that he would meet his end at the hands of an individual of illegitimate parentage.Riccio laughed off the warning.“The Scots will boast but rarely perform their brags!”He continued, “Even if you were accurate, there are so many bastards in Scotland that I could never be sure where to turn my back!”


Riccio would soon be laughing out of the other side of his mouth.A dinner party thrown by the queen was interrupted by a party of Scottish nobles led by Patrick Lord Ruthven, which seized Riccio and stabbed him 57 times, leaving his mangled corpse on the castle’s main staircase.The first knife wound was inflicted by George Douglas, an illegitimate royal, fulfilling the prophecy of the astrologer.


It’s a cruel world, and sixteenth-century Scotland was colder still.Where do you think Shakespeare got the idea for Macbeth?For Marie de Guise, the young dowager queen of France, who was juked out of the French throne when her husband Francois II died at age seventeen, to assume the throne of her departed father’s kingdom of Scotland was like Lindsay Lohan taking over the Hell’s Angels.No way, McBride!The Scots were a bunch of rampaging animals, and the French queen was lucky to escape with her life – right into the hands of her neurotic cousin, Elizabeth I of England, who locked her in the Tower of London and ultimately beheaded her.


But we are all bastards under the skin, and that is what makes the world such a dangerous place.It’s interesting to note that in our modern world of liberation, when people are crusading to save Darfur and running marathons to help AIDS victims, nobody is raising his voice in defense of people who have been born out lf wedlock, who have historically been the largest group of oppressed individuals in humanity.


How could it be otherwise, given the sexual proclivities of living creatures?DNA testing of birds that mate for life has established that 25% of eggs delivered by females have been fertilized by males other than the male partner.Any watcher of nature shows has seen instances of female monkeys lured into sexual liaisons with solitary males that don’t belong to the pack.


The response of the animal kingdom has been shown to be immediate.Lions and gorillas immediately murder any infant they sense not to spring from their own bloodline.In human beings the instinct is the same, and countless babies have been dispatched under much the same circumstances.But in human societies, with all their inhibitions and prohibitions against the taking of human life, many many issues of illicit liaisons have been permitted to survive and, indeed, thrive.


Nevertheless, the instincts of human society have taken over the exterminating role of the offended patriarch, and the illegitimate offspring has seen his options severely circumscribed.Illegitimate children have been barred from inheritance and social recognition.Even President Clinton, who is himself of dubious patrimony, has ever remained silent concerning the rights of children born without the benefit of wedlock, though, in fairness, he was the first American leader to step up in defense of enforcing fair child support payments by offending fathers (which has been a boon for mercenary women).But he never put a name to it.


Recognition of children born out of wedlock is the last frontier of American liberation, though no writer or intellectual has put his name on it.So let me be the first.And nobody is more suited to it than I, because of all the creepy little bastards to be born into ignominy in this country, I am the first to thread his way into the pantheon of classical world literature.


My father was a brother of Nobel Prize-winning author Saul Bellow.When Bellow was living in Paris and casting about for a decent ending for his first big novel, “The Adventures of Augie March,” he seized on the illicit love affair between his brother, my father, and my mother, who was at that time a greedy, grasping middle-class Jewish beauty who had seized upon him because of his money.My mother left her New Jersey husband for Chicago and seduced my father into producing me in the hopes of getting her hooks into his money.


After an unbelievable scandal involving a financial settlement for my care and upbringing, she was enticed into leaving Chicago.Saul Bellow, in Paris, thought that this story would constitute a dénouement of irony and pathos for his novel and, like a true artist, threw to the wind any consideration of the future consequences of his actions.He wrote the story exactly as it happened and lived a merry life forever after.


I did not have such a merry life.After squandering the initial financial settlement that she had obtained from my father, my mother was hard-pressed to obtain any more from him.His attitude was best expressed in the George Thorogood blus song about his landlady” “She ain’t gonna get nothin’!”And remember, there wasn’t any President Clinton around at that time to take away my father’s drivers license if he didn’t pay up!


So I was stuck between a greedy, vindictive mother and a greedy vindictive father, both of whom had decided that the best way to get at each other was to make me suffer.


All right, I’m not here to inflect my problems on the reader.The purpose of this little story is not for me to resolve an issue which I long ago satisfactorily came to grips with, but to serve the broader purpose of illuminating a larger issue, which is at least the equivalent of women’s liberation or black liberation.The time is long past due for speaking to an issue that impacts vast numbers of people in world culture, and which nobody is addressing.


My mother never told me that I was in “The Adventures of Augie March.”Keeping me in the dark about my own life story was one of her myriad ways of hurting me.Or maybe she thought she was helping me by shielding me from the ghastly effects of literature, who knows?All I know is that I didn’t need this little tidbit of culture to propel me into a life of scandal.That was the only road open to me anyway.I was thrown out of college for radical agitation, traveled around Europe and eventually found myself running a leather boutique in Montreal, where I specialized in bikers’ and strippers’ costumes and whips and other sex toys.Around this time I was also doing a comedy act, which eventually culminated in my producing a Halloween comedy fashion show at Yuk Yuk’s Komedy Kabaret featuring leather-clad strippers whipping a male prostitute.This little show got the place padlocked by the cops.


What were you expecting, the Young Republicans For Bush?


Now around this time, recalling a conversation I had heard between my mother and one of her girlfriends when I was a kid, wherein she had told her friend that she was written into “The Adventures of Augie March,” I picked up a copy of the book at a used book store near my boutique and started to read it.The tedium of this little homeboy story of Chicago Jews was only somewhat mitigated by knowing that it was my uncle who was narrating it.Until I got to the end and I realized that I was the baby they were fighting over.As Nipsey Russel used to exclaim, “Step on my dick!”


Not giving a fuck about Saul Bellow or any kind of sentimental reconciliation with the pricks who had made me into such a tortured specimen of humanity, I immediately began to calculate: What’s in it for me?But I didn’t have the proof.All I could do was write a fan letter to Bellow and say, “Hey, man, I’m the baby in that book, which I did, though I figured that no sane person would admit to that fact, whether it was true or not.I wouldn’t.Well, maybe…


Anyway, if Saul Bellow would have known what I was like, he never would have responded in the affirmative, leaving himself open to all kinds of scandal.But he did, unbelievably.He wrote me back a letter admitting that I was his nephew.Un-fucking-believable!


Now I had the proof that I was Saul Bellow’s bastard nephew, and that my birth and early life were engraved upon would literature and American classical culture the same as if my face had been engraved on Mount Rushmore.This made me a MONSTER.No living person can lay claim to this notable achievement, and so long as there are books and scholars to study American culture, I shall live, even when the current overblown idiots on the best-seller list are turned to dust.Choke on it, suckers!


The thing was, what to do with this delectable little morsel of information.I tried peddling it to The Montreal Gazette, a useless, flea-bitten shit-rag of reactionary conformity if there ever was one, but they hated me already because of my stage act which, in all fairness, was never calculated to flatter the windbags of middle-class respectability.


Naturally, when it finally dawned on Saul Bellow where I was coming from, he bowed out of the picture completely.But fuck him, I had his letter, written in his own hand, admitting the whole sordid truth.


Soon after I moved to New York where I got work in the fashion business.I tried to get some traction out of the “Augie March” story when I had time, but after a while, I sort of crapped out.I tried to peddle the story to The New York Times, but all I got was a resounding silence.Not even a rejection.Nothing!Meantime, Bellow’s son, Adam Bellow, was all over the Times for being a reactionary knucklehead, and for publishing a book called “In Praise of Nepotism”, which immediately laid an egg.


“In Praise of Nepotism”!Is that a movie marquee, or what?Watta fuckin’ dog!All right, don’t make me laugh.Back in the days when publishing held all the strings, and freakin’ hard-ons like the Sulzburger family determined what got published and what didn’t, I was shut out.But today, with Internet, it’s a whole new world, and I can go directly to the mass audience.


Fuck The New York Times, and fuck Adam Bellow and his crew of harelipped bowtie retrograde wimps.The truth will out, and no reactionary morons can keep a lid on it.


A short list of people who were born out of wedlock would have to start with William the Conquerer, who was originally called William the Bastard in his home province of Normandy until he conquered Saxon England and made it speak French.Then, of course, there’s our old friend Fidel Castro, who ripped Latin American from the clutches of the yanqui imperialistas and changed the face of it forever.The Argentine tango crooner Carlos Gardel was born in a whorehouse in Bordeaux, France, and comedian Richard Pryor was likewise born in a sporting house in Peoria, Illinois, and grew up surrounded by hot pussy.


We have vitality because we were not born out of bourgeois considerations, but usually out of carnal lust.Not to say that some bastards are not engendered out of incest (I met one once and, boy, was he a mess), but most of us are extremely robust because our parents hardly knew each other at all.If we get our rights and due recognition, we will trample all over the bourgeois class.I know I will.But first I want the inheritance money that the Bellow family stole from me.



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Posted on 9/12/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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September 10, 2007

BLOW ME A SONG!



Every time I take out my harmonica, my girlfriend, Magpie, shrinks away in utter revulsion.She never passes up the opportunity to remind me that I stink as a musician.OK, I stink.Never mind that I was trained by Robert Sherwin, a great New York studio musician, whose estimation of my musical ability was rather more flattering than hers, or that I have had my share of petty triumphs before live audiences.


Nevertheless, I can appreciate good musicianship when I hear it, and the miracle of recorded music technology that has evolved over the last century has enabled me to feast on a cornucopia of sonority that kings and queens never had.


People might well ask, why waste your attentions on a five dollar piece of junk like the harmonica when you can listen to the Moscow Symphony Orchestra play Swan Lake, or a magnificent pop group like The Gypsy Kings?Because sometimes the greatest pleasures come from the simplest things.I get off more blowing a five dollar harmonica than any dork with a $500 iPhone.The immortal blues composer and musician Robert Johnson developed his slide guitar technique by pounding nails into the wall of his sharecropper cabin and stringing wires between them, which he then twanged away at.


Any reflective person understands that things are never as deceptively simple as they might seem.Art consists of the triumph of technique over content, as Flaubert and Proust demonstrated when they created great literary masterpieces writing about essentially nothing, or when Picasso filled a whole museum with works of art he had nailed together from pieces of junk he scrounged from the scrap yard.


The harmonica looks deceptively simple but it is actually one of the hardest instruments to master.Unlike the saxophone or trumpet, notes are created by the rush of air in both directions.Bending notes, creating chords by blocking out the middle holes with the tongue while giving play only to the holes at either end of the scale, creating an echo chamber in the mouth to make a larger sound, these are some to the tricks of the trade which are only learned by dedicated application.


Whosoever scorns the harmonica does so out of ignorance and stupidity.It is an orchestra that fits in your pocket.Attach it to an electric pickup and it creates a thundering sound that stimulates a vivid range of emotions every bit as cataclysmic as a symphonic assault by Wagner or Grieg.


World culture is full of great harmonica masters, each of whom developed his individual technique for conveying a message of towering power.Most people are familiar with the American greats like James Cotton, or Stanley Clarke, who transformed their feelings of desperation and longing into triumphant messages of survival and resurgence.


One such artist was Larry Adler of Baltimore, who got his start in the burlesque houses during the early part of the twentieth century.But as Adler’s art developed he came to realize that he could jam more into a harmonica than just the popular tunes of the day, and he reached for classical and symphonic music, eventually arriving at Carnegie Hall and Royal Albert Hall in London.After hearing Larry Adler’s performance of “Rhapsody in Blue,” the composer of the symphony, George Gershwin told Adler that his was the greatest performance of the piece that Gershwin had ever heard.The Queen of England, flush with meeting Adler backstage at Royal Albert Hall after a command performance, joked to an acquaintance, “He let me hold his organ!”


So why was this historic musician forced to end his days as an exile, living in London?Because once he removed the harmonica from his mouth, he would speak his mind about the issues of the day, notably left-wing politics.In this he was joined by innumerable other artists, writers and film directors who were forced into exile by a venomous domestic political climate orchestrated by ambitious heartland Republicans eager to make a name for themselves by destroying the lives of artists in the course of congressional witch hunts.Of course, if you ran afoul of these pricks by not supplicating and betraying your friends you could stay in the states and have your reputation and livelihood destroyed, or serve time in federal prison for contempt of congress or if they caught you in a lie.


But the smart people just left for Europe and never came back.Names like Charlie Chaplin, Stanley Kubrick, Larry Adler…


But there’s another Larry, who blows a different kind of mouth organ, Larry Craig.Only this Larry doesn’t play beautiful music, he blows a symphony of right-wing repression and adherence to the same kind of cornpone totalitarianism that drove another generation into exile.Because Larry Craig was playing a double game of repressing homosexuals during the day and blowing guys at night, the same as former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover used to harass gay guys and then wear party dresses.


Some idealistic people believe that Larry Craig should get let off the hook out of a spirit of generosity and idealism.To them I say: what if the situation had been reversed and instead of the world sitting in judgment of Larry Craig, Larry Craig sat in judgment of the world?Do you think he would let you off the hook, or would he ruin your life and send your ass off to jail in time for him to get down to the airport men’s room to play a saliva symphony on the skin flute?


This might sound brutal, but as the eminent political theorist Mr. Dooley once observed, “Politics ain’t beanbag,” and with all the loot at stake in this country, the Republicans aren’t averse to knocking a few heads together.


So don’t cry for Larry Craig.What’s being done to him, he would gladly do to you.The guy’s a swine.And remember; if you happen to be in the airport men’s room don’t pick up the soap.



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September 08, 2007

www.200motels.net



HOW SWEET IT IS!

All men are pigs and all women love pork.

This is more true at
www.200motels.net than anywhere else.

www.200motels.net has got the goods, even if you don't want it.

So don't delay, get over to
www.200motels.net before it's all gone.

www.200motels.net. Be there or be nowhere

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September 07, 2007

The REAL Osama Bin Laden Video



The following is a paid infomercial from Al-Queda Inc.


Hi folks, I’m Osama Bin Ladin.


You know, living in the mountainous border region between Pakistan and Afghanistan can be tough for anybody, particularly for someone who likes to eat like I do.That’s why I invented the Osama Bin Ladin Portable All-In-One Field Kitchen.


Now you can have all the conveniences of a fully equipped kitchen even though you may be on the run from U.S. Special Forces and having to hide from heat-seeking Israeli drones.

The best feature about the Osama Bin Ladin All-In-One Field Kitchen is that you don’t need electricity or power lines to run it.It can be operated in the privacy of your cave hideout or underground spider hole without messy wires.All you need is a flunkey to peddle its attached exercise bike to give you all the power you need to make a delicious meal.


Now, the first feature I want to demonstrate for you is the turkey fryer, which you are sure to be going to need with Ramadan coming up and all.It’s safe and efficient.Here, I’ll just insert this little Iranian Sh’iite dude we caught wandering around and, voila!, one minute later he comes out all deep-fried with a nice crispy crust.


So then it comes with the Miracle Juicer, which is perfect for extracting the juice from camel dung.Here, I’ll try some.Delicious!This feature is perfect for when you’re being chased through arid regions by a Pakistani army detachment.You can hide under a rock and squeeze the juice from some small turds, and it gives you a refreshing break to reinvigorate yourself while you plan some more terrorist activity.


After you’ve extracted the juice from the camel dung, you can put the dried remains in the little microwave container and pop them in the Shake n’ Bake microwave oven, named for the World Trade Center, which is also perfect for cooking an Infidel Crusader or a small Jew by the way, and the little kernels of corn that are still left in the dung turn into perfect pieces of popcorn which you can eat for a snack.

The little cutting board, incidentally, is perfect for chopping off heads or hands, which you can boil down in the pressure cooker as the base for a sauce, or you can simply use them as a centerpiece for the dinner table when you invite over some tribal chiefs that you’re trying to impress.Eat your heart out, Martha Stewart!


And the whole unit fits into the handy carrying case that fits snugly onto your donkey’s butt for negotiating narrow mountain ravines while the U.S. Air Force is dropping bombs on you.


If you call the toll-free number printed on the screen you can get the Osama Bin Laden Portable Field Kitchen for three easy payments of $79.95, or 15 billion Pakistani dinars.Or you can pick one up at your local Wal Mart, Kmart or Target stores.But act now, before we blow those stores up.



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September 05, 2007

www.200motels.net



Jaws Eats Jews!!!


Forget all about this blog. My new website, 200motels.net is now open for business, with the latest in comedy, satire and commentary, and with advanced graphics to entertain the discriminating reader.

www.200motels.net

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September 04, 2007

A DOG'S LIFE



Labor Day in New York City brings back a flood of memories for me. Ten years ago I was scrambling to find my footing after my company closed.All the manufacturing of women’s accessories had moved offshore to Asia, and I was suddenly an anachronism despite, or rather because of, all my design and production skills.


I was still very young to be obsolete, and I couldn’t accept it. I made a deal with a guy who owned a small factory in the industrial zone of Garden City, Long Island, whereby I would design a line and market it to the mass market and ladies’ specialty chains and we would split the profits.


I designed the guy a beautiful line, and we even showed it at the Boutique Show at Javits Center, but the market was weak and my partner, whose factory it was, and who was bankrolling the venture, eventually lost interest.


I tried not to panic, and I lived normally during this time, working out at my gym and essentially living as I always had despite the forebodings of imminent doom I felt. My favorite gym workout was a twice-weekly boxing class led by a pro boxer named Stephen Johnson, a light middleweight from Brooklyn. The workout was about 50% aerobic, as Stephen led us through interminable jumping jacks, pushups, mountain climbing, running in place and every other torturous activity the human mind can devise to inflict pain, to the accompaniment of a blaring boom box.



Stephen would breeze through the workout, hardly raising a sweat. He was capable of doing a hundred and fifty pushups, leaving the rest of us, who were at various stages of athletic development, to follow as best we could.


After the warmup, we would put on the gloves and hit the bags.Stephen would start us off with sprints of 15 seconds and working up to two minutes. Two minutes of continuous punching is very strenuous indeed, but if you can’t succeed at that, how could you hope to prevail under real circumstances?


We would hit the bag high, hit the bag low, jab to the head, jab to the stomach by bending at the knees, punch combinations that Stephen dictated to us. Then Stephen would set up a circuit.You moved around the circuit to stations designated by Stephen. Here you did pushups for two minutes. The next station you jumped rope, and after that abdominals, or punched the speed bag. At on heavy bag you practiced double jab, right hand, left hook, the next bag another combination. At the last station in the circuit, Stephen held up target mitts and made you chase him around, all the time punching.


Finally, the last five minutes we strengthened our abdominals with crunches, leglifts and isometric tortures called “planks.” It was exhilarating to do the workout, and the feeling of accomplishment and pride at satisfactorily completing a punishing session like that is why so many people are devoted to athletic achievement. It’s not just the rush of endorphins, but the heightened sense of self-esteem and the flattering attention that is showered on people who are fit and attractive that make sports such a desirable pursuit in life.


So I was living my life and working out as though I still had a job and a career, which I didn’t.What I was doing was hanging on to a sense of normality in a world that didn’t exist anymore. I was denying a presentiment of doom and foreboding. Eventually my money would run out, I would be evicted from my apartment, all my possessions would be lost and I would be left homeless.


It wouldn’t be the first time that New Yorkers have gone from champagne flights on Air France to a cot in the armory. Only most of those people deserved it. They had engaged in shady financial affairs, or had lived way, way beyond their means. Me, I had always given the employer value for his money and lived rather modestly. But the fates have never seen fit to soften the blows in my life. I learned long ago to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’, as the saying goes.


My relationship with Stephen extended to the locker room, where I was able to gauge the full value of his physical development. The naked body tells no lies. Stephen was an aerobic creature, not very much muscle.At 5’10’’ he weighed in at around 150 lbs. Not that he was skin and bones, but he had no overt muscular development to speak of. He was all gristle and boxing technique. I said, “You look great but you’re too skinny.”


He answered, “I don’t want to fight in a heavier weight class.”


Probably the biggest punishment I was absorbing around this time was the woman I was seeing. I’ll call her Majda for the purposes of this story. She was a Trojan horse of a woman – once you admitted her inside the gates of your heart she proceeded to open up with a Pandora’s Box of destruction and decimate everything from the interior.


Her big bugaboo was the War On Drugs, which she had bought wholesale right from Republican speechwriters. This she wielded like a Polak laborer swings a sledgehammer. She was capable of destroying dates, dinner parties, even whole vacations that I had lovingly financed, with the intent of doing what the law had failed to do – punish me for my immoral behavior. In this she was aided by her family, who felt uncomfortable around me and were happy to see me brought low. They were from Yonkers, but Majda’s sister had acquired a cabin an Amagansett, and they now considered themselves to be eastenders. As if that weren’t enough, the whole family was enrolled en masse in Alcoholics Anonymous. They were militant teetotalers. Naturally, I didn’t let that stand in the way of me having a good time and swilling down booze in front of them. The end result was them all moving into the next room to curse me out, and Majda returing to give me a play-by-play description of what they were saying about me. My attitude was, Go back where you came from! Back to the Baltic states and fantasies of blonde, blue-eyed Aryans and wistful fantasies of Hitler’s Stuka dive bombers blowing the shit out of Jewish refugees. But don’t try that shit around here, chum!


Now, at the time I was smoking a lot of reefer and I didn’t care who knew it. Of course, I had had little or no experience to what is laughably referred to as the middle class, so I had no concept as to the remarkable earthquake of scandal I was creating in their minds. All my life bourgeois conformity was to me a stunted, brain-dead punching bag for ridicule and derision.Majda brought home to me the punishing aspects of middle class triumphalism like a fat lady in a W. C. Fields comedy movie. “It’s the drugs that make you behave like that.” “Nobody can stand you because you’re on drugs.” “Why don’t you get off the drugs and join the human race?”


Her objection to “the drugs” was not what I was doing to myself. I was functioning fine. Her objection was to the corrosive effect I was having on society at large and on her family and friends in particular by not making myself accessible enough to assuage their insecurities and discomfort at being around me, although I must allow as how even in total sobriety I wasn’t the kind of person that they would ever feel comfortable around in even the most optimum circumstances.


The fact is that I was a bad fit around these Calvinist twits. North Americans in general have not been brought up in a cultural environment which has prepared them for somebody like me, and the feeling of discomfort and revulsion I generate are hardening and thickening even further, as they seek normality against all odds in a world which must be ever more spinning out of control in their minds. Fuck ‘em, that’s their problem.


Another explanation is that in the interim period between the Cold War and the War on Terror, the traditional American longing for an enemy upon which to project their own internal unhappiness and dissatisfaction, like Hasidic Jews mangling a chicken, curled back on itself like an ingrown toenail as the regional yahoos declared war on potheads. It is a happy occurrence that these reactionary and xenophobic tendencies are currently focused on the Mexicans rather than toward some imaginary domestic enemies.


Look, I don’t want to get into a heavy moralizing rap with the reader about the glories of smoking reefer, but what are diabetics, who can’t drink alcohol because of the sugar content, supposed to do on Saturday night when everybody else is having a blast, blow their brains out? Smoking pot gives them a chance to live a little too.


And while we’re on the subject, I’m for legalizing prostitution too, for the benefit of men who can’t get a woman in the sexual marketplace. Why should they have to jerk off and get complexes about being lonely when other guys are swatting girls off. I’ve had enough of society being run for the benefit of fucking moralists, who can’t come to grips with their complexes and are determined to drag the rest of the world down with them. Do me a favor, you pricks, go kill yourselves and free up the earth’s resources for somebody who still feels he has something to live for.


Anyway, I had had quite enough of Majda’s convoluted psychology and I found myself free on Labor Day to do whatever I pleased. I had been spending every minute of the summer with her at the beach, and I longed to feel stifling hot pavement beneath my feet and the smell of fresh garbage in my nostrils, so I hotfooted it over to Brooklyn for the Caribbean Day Festival.


I took the number 4 train from the Upper East Side to Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn, and in a matter of minutes was in a whole other world, like stepping through a portal in Stargate on the Sci-Fi Channel. Eastern Parkway is the nasty slum dweller’s answer to the Champs-Elysees. It is a six-lane boulevard bordered with trees and a separate access road on both sides. It is even anchored at one end by a triumphal arch at Grand Army Plaza, and a museum, The Brooklyn Museum of Art, at the entrance to Prospect Park. Further up the line from the museum, however, it takes on the aspect of the majestic avenues that were designed for Chicago’s West Side and have since declined into blight.


This area, Crown Heights is a tectonic juncture where ethnicities collide, as the Hasidic Jews have moved in to displace parts of the huge black and latino communities that had previously laid claim to the place. But in the summer of 1997 relations between these conflicting groups were rubbed raw. The gaping wounds of the race riots of 1990 were still fresh and tender, and New Yorkers were suffering through a fresh racial scarring resulting from the assault on a black Haitian in a Brooklyn police precinct station by white cops, who had dragged him into a toilet stall and jammed a toilet plunger handle up his rectum.


The city’s mayor at the time was Rudolph Giuliani, not notable for any kind of racial conciliation. Giuliani was playing the game of racial divisiveness that he had learned from his hero, Richard Nixon, who had devised the strategy of ramming it up the ass of black people in general in order to appeal to suburban white voters.


As a result, when I emerged from the Crown Heights subway station, I was the only white person in sight except for the massive police detachment that had been deployed to maintain order at the parade. When the white cops caught sight of me in the midst of all the black people, they stared at me like I must have been out of my mind.


It was still mid-morning, early in the day, and the parade had not yet gotten started. Vendors had set up stalls in the access roads on either side of the boulevard and were starting to do a brisk business selling West Indian culinary delicacies and souvenir trinkets. I stood around, waiting for things to start happening. It never bothered me to be the only white person for miles in either direction. I was hard-core. All the years of boxing and martial arts, and all the years of functioning in a very tough manufacturing environment around latin workers, had grown a pretty hard shell on me, you better believe it!


All of a sudden, in the middle of the still-empty boulevard, appeared a phalanx of BEARDED JEWS? I couldn’t believe my eyes! And in the middle of these guys marched Giuliani at quick-step.This Giuliani’s way of making an appearance at the West Indian Parade, hustling double-time down the avenue surrounded by Lubivitcher Jews before the parade had started. This Giuliani was one snaky motherfucker, let me tell you!


At length, Giuliani long departed, the parade got under way. It was a bit of Mardi Gras and a bit of Carnaval, gaily costumed marching societies dressed up in elaborate costumes of glitter and feathers, naked girls and muscular men in gold lamé wifebeater shirts wielding tridents. Flags of all the nations of the black diaspora and flatbed trucks outfitted like huge rolling boomboxes blaring out earsplitting Jump-Up music.


“If you got more than a dollar in your pocket let me hear you shout HaHaHa!”

“She tink she pretty but she not, she tink she rough but she not!”

“Wine-y wine-y!”


Oh, what a blast!Dominican men selling shots of rum for a dollar. Dishes of curried goat and plantains.Budweiser, King of Beers! “Let me hear you shout HaHaHa!”


The sun was beating down and the people were sweaty. The music blared and the rum flowed like nectar. The cops had set up an elaborate system of crowd control, which caused bottlenecks at the street crossings, and crowds of people were bunched up in knots at the corners. All of a sudden I heard from behind me a menacing black voice, “What are you doing in our neighborhood, whitey?”


I turned, ready for anything. It was Stephen Johnson, my boxing trainer. We embraced and I gave him an air kiss on both cheeks, like the Frenchmen do. “Let me buy you a drink,” I offered.


“Uh-uh, I’m in training.I got a fight coming up,” he said. “C’mon, I’m supposed to meet up with some people.”


“Wow,” I marveled, “It’s unbelievable that I would meet up with you in the middle of this riot!”


“Not really. This my ‘hood.I know everybody here. This is where I grew up, not far from here.”


“Stephen and I spent the whole day together at the parade. Every ten feet somebody stopped him and shook his hand. He was really a star in that place. He unfailingly presented me to his friends as his boxing student, and being a boxing student of Stephen Johnson in Crown Heights was equivalent of being introduced by Michaelangelo as his art student in sixteenth century Florence. Everybody was impressed that the maestro considered me to be a serious artist.


Not that these hardened black people fell over me with admiration. New York was too raw and unhappy at that time. But they let me enjoy my day. And even as the sun shined down on the parade, did I bathe in the reflected glory of Stephen Johnson, the neighborhood tough guy hero of Crown Heights.


But New York is not a city of happy endings. It is a theater of industrial reality, where even survival is a heroic victory against tremendous odds. I wouldn’t try to soft soap the reader: in New York you start at the top and work your way down.


That winter my mother died. My accessory line, which was stillborn anyway, never went anywhere, and, despairing of designing anything ever again, I enrolled in paralegal school, hoping to retool myself as – I don’t know what!I got my paralegal certificate and knocked around as a temp at a bunch of shit office jobs until these guys took a liking to me and offered me a permanent job as a coding supervisor in a Wall Street legal support company.


My gym was sold and I had to join a new gym after 12 years of working out in the same place. I lost contact with my friends, including Stephen. Then, in 2000, the news hit that Stephen was in a coma in an Atlantic City hospital as the result of a beating he had taken at a casino boxing match. I really cried when I read that. As I said, the guy never looked that solid to me. Not like a Vinnie Pazienza, who could get his neck broken in a car crash and six months later be fighting again. Stephen was an artist, fragile.


Finally, several days later, he died. It wasn’t the punch that killed him, it was his head hitting the floor. It turned out that Stephen had been turned down for a license to fight in New York State because of some kind of electrical disturbance in his brain, like a short circuit, or the synapses and neurons not connecting properly. So he got a license to fight in New Jersey, and he took a beating. But, again, it wasn’t the punch that killed him; it was the back of his head hitting the floor.


I attended the funeral at a huge mortuary in East New York. They were so proud to present him there that they hung out a huge bunting proclaiming, “Stephen Johnson, Our Champ.” There were some women at the funeral, but it was mostly tough men, boxers and martial artist, who formed little cliques and didn’t mix with each other much, out of rivalry and machismo.


They fixed Stephen up beautiful in the casket, really artistic. Naturally the grief in the place was overwhelming at the waste of it all. But what were you going to do, stop him from fighting? He would have gone all the way to Alaska or the Philippines to get a license to fight. We are all propelled to our inevitable end by our own compulsions more than other people’s designs and machinations.


Nevertheless, Stephen Johnson’s life and death illustrate a basic point about the lack of principled leadership in the sports world – if he had been required to wear a headgear, Stephen would be alive today, along with a lot of other unfortunate athletes. The blood lust that characterizes the boxing audience and the greed of the boxing promoters are a one-two punch that is laying low too many wonderful young people. If the fighters had been wearing headgears they would have presented the same thrilling athletic exhibition and then, win or lose, gone home to their families and friends. There is no reason for guys like Stephen to die.


That’s the point. Writers have been at the heart of social movements that illuminated the truth to vast audiences of humanity. Ideologies have risen and oppressive social systems have fallen. If sports writers and writers in general would militate for laws that protect boxers the same as they protect dogs, lives could be saved.


There was a terrible scandal when Michael Vick was caught barbarically torturing dogs, but every night prizefighters are permitted to get their brains squashed for a few bucks. I’m not advocating a law against boxing, but I thing Olympic rules should be the standard, where headgears are mandatory. Maybe I stink as a fighter, and maybe I stink as a writer, but somebody has to stand up for boxers, who can no more speak up for themselves than could Michael Vick’s dogs.



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September 02, 2007

JAWS EATS JEWS



Tragic athlete Schliemy Schlussel demonstrates his chicken-pitching technique moments before he was tragically devoured by a rogue mudshark at Rockaway Pier.

Sept. 2; 200motels News Service

A 500 lb. Mudshark that was caught off Rockaway Beach is revealed to have eaten a Jewish rabbi and his assistant who disappeared from Rockaway Pier yesterday while they were training to participate in the Maccabiah Games in Israel later this year.


Rabbi Zyzzy Zyzuski and his young acolyte Schliemy Schlussel were practicing the ancient Hebrew sport of chicken pitching on Rockaway Pier when the monster fish jumped out of the water and devoured them in front of hundreds of horrified onlookers.


“It was horrible!” exclaimed Senator Larry Craig, who had just emerged from a nearby Porto-San with an unidentified male friend when the monstrous event occurred.“I nearly dropped my pants when I saw it happen.”


A quick-thinking airport security officer from JFK Airport who had been trailing Senator Craig was able to shoot the shark as it attempted to swim out to sea with its prey.  Nearby fishermen pulled the beast to shore and cut it open to reveal the remains of Rabbi Zyzuski and Schlussel, who still had the chickens in their hands, even as they were being digested in the stomach of the monster shark.


Mayor Bloomberg, who had sped to the scene from the Caribbean Day festivities in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, declared the beach safe for swimming, though he advised New Yorkers to take their firearms into the water with them.


“People should have the same amount of caution while swimming at city beaches that they have when riding the subway or walking the city streets,” the mayor declared.


He added, regretfully, "A chicken-throwing Jew is a terrible thing to waste."



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September 01, 2007

Don't Cry For Me Paris Hilton



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