April 27, 2007
Alec Baldwin called his daughter a “little pig” and now she’s scarred for life says no less an authority than Dr. Phil.
There is definitely something in the environment that is causing
chromosome breakage and making adult people behave like retarded
imbeciles.
You got any idea what people used to call me, and still do? What do
I care, unless the guy happens to be holding a baseball bat or a
machete?
If Alec Baldwin had cut off the kid’s child support, then people
might have a case against him. Anyway, this whole Little Pig thing is
the fault of the child’s vindictive mother, Kim Basinger, who released
the tape to the press, and Baldwin himself who, instead of laughing the
whole thing off, actually went along with the gag to the extent that
it’s wrecking his career.
An employment expert in The Wall Street Journal recently advised
bosses to reward young people with freakin’ balloons and gold stars
just for showing up for work on time. We used to get that in the first
grade, not on Wall Street. One employer, definitely of the old school,
wrote in that instead of calling in the party planner, he would prefer
to call in the outsourcing consultant. Amen to that.
I’m not advocating a return to Dickensian cruelty, but I think
people need to develop thicker skins. Most of the world still operates
under the old system of thoughtless brutality, and Americans need to be
able to handle unwarranted stress when it shows its ugly head, as it
invariably does. Young persons who are being soft-soaped all their
lives are going to unravel at the seams the first time an unmanageable
situation arises.
I want to criticize Hillary Clinton for not seizing the opportunity
to attack Wal Mart Stores during last night’s Democratic debate. OK,
Wal Mart treats workers like animals (see above) and doesn’t offer
decent benefits to employees. Clinton got that right. But the most
insidious thing about Wal Mart is that it forces domestic suppliers to outsource their production to China.
If your company is selling vacuum cleaners to Wal Mart, they insist
that you start producing in China so that they can buy from you at a
cheaper price. The result is industrial managers and workers in America
losing jobs.
I can’t say for sure, but knowing companies like I do, there’s a
distinct possibility of Wal Mart being involved in a sweetheart
relationship with Chinese manufacturers to kick back profits the
manufacturers make from American businesses that Wal Mart steers to
them. They probably would call it a consultancy fee.
That might be stretching things too far, to make that kind of
assertion without positive proof. But Hillary Clinton, having no
knowledge of industrial practices other than what she reads in the
papers, is missing the main problem about Wal Mart, that it forces
American companies to outsource production if they want to keep Wal
Mart as a customer. 200motels
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April 25, 2007
I’m tired of screaming, hysterical women who make scenes in public
places simply because they can’t figure out what’s going on. The vagina
drives them nuts, with all the dicks going in and out, and babies and
blood coming out. Hell, that would drive me nuts too.
That’s why the men in New Jersey are in open rebellion, marrying
each other and running around naked in the streets, hanging out around
churches, and when you walk by they drag you in and try to marry you.
The reason men are gay is that they can’t confront the reality of the
vagina, with its lips and folds, and the responsibility of caressing
the clitoris. These guys are stuck in the juvenile sexuality of the
anus, which is just a lubricated hole surrounded by hair.
Governor McGreevy made it perfectly clear to his wife, who is
divorcing him. She complained to the judge that their daughter was
forced to see a life-size photo portrait of a guy with his ding-dong
hanging out right over McGreevy’s bed that he shares with his
boyfriend. McGreevy responded that it was a meaningful work of gay art.
The thing’s dick hangs right out over their bed, and every time they
sit up in bed it bangs into their heads like a bell clapper, making a
clanging sound and knocking them out. This way McGreevy and his chum
never get out of bed, which makes it safe for guys like me to take a
leak in a public toilet in New Jersey without getting poked in the rear
by an admiring ex-governor.
In her divorce papers, Dina McGreevy referred to her husband as
“bisexual.” He reacted in a screaming rage that he is not bisexual, but
blatantly homosexual. “I am a gay American!” he ranted. “Read my lips!”
Then he made a motion of a dick going in and out his mouth ha-ha.
New Jersey sure knows how to pick 'em! The current governor,
Corzine, is in the hospital with every bone in his body broken from
rushing at 90 mph without a seatbelt to meet with... IMUS and the
nappy-headed ho's basketball team???? Something is wrong with New Jersey and it must be in the water.
All the negative qualities of the female, the screaming, the
hysteria, the greed and endless unhappiness – they don’t exactly
combine to enhance the sexual experience. The only problem is, if
you’re straight, you’re straight! There’s no alternative to the vagina,
unless you happen to be a Greek sheepherder stuck up in the hills with
a flock of ewes. And then you may have to butt heads with a ram.
There’s no alternative to a woman’s kiss. A sheep will never do.
Unfortunately, guys like me are a captive audience for nervous,
disgracefully insane hysterical women. What are you gonna’ do?
Never mind that. A-Rod hit homeruns number 11 and 12. At this rate
he’ll hit over a hundred homeruns this year. He’s wearing down the base
paths so much that they are thinking of putting in an express lane for
him. Steinbrenner said he might buy A-Rod a golf cart so he doesn’t
have to wear out his legs running around the bases. The Umpires League
said they might be agreeable to just crediting the Yankees with a
homerun every time it’s A-Rod’s turn at the plate, in the interest of
efficiency.
Meanwhile, Barry Bonds, who just hit another homerun, is getting
closer to Hank Aaron’s homerun record and everybody is so fixated on
A-Rod that nobody noticed. Bonds, who is famous for insane jealousy and
resentment, has a photo of A-Rod for a target in the basement shooting
range of his mansion, but a single-shot gun was not sufficient for his
hate, so he brought in an 80-millimeter cannon. Even that is not
enough, and now Bonds is negotiating with North Korea to buy an a-bomb
so that he can blow Alex Rodriguez’ picture to smithereens.
The most important words you can learn in Korean: “Don’t shoot!”
If you want to live a long life, don’t steal gum from a Korean deli.
They had elections in France and the female candidate was
criticized for dressing too fancy. They told her that in America the
politicians wear conservative pants suits. “Not so,” she responded. “I
know one American politician who likes fancy dresses, Rudolph
Giuliani.”
They took a poll, and they found that in the wake of the Virginia
Tech massacre Americans are still against stricter gun laws, this time
on the grounds that anybody who is that intent on committing mayhem
will find a way, no matter what.
Too bad they don’t take that attitude about smoking reefer, which
is what I like to do. THAT, they’re still intent on cracking down on!
Go figure. I never heard of any situation where a solid citizen with a
firearm ever prevented a crime from being committed. Usually it’s the
opposite, where normal people commit mayhem against each other because
of the availability of destructive firepower. That’s OK, but a joint of
marijuana, that’s a hanging offense.
If those dorks out there in flyover country want to blow each other
away to hell in endless episodes far into the future, be my guest! I’ll
be down in Bora-Bora smoking a joint and fucking around with the hula
girls.
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Posted on 4/25/2007
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April 21, 2007
Everybody’s got a different concept about what happened to Imus, so at the risk of beating a dead horse, I’d like to advance my own opinion.
I saw a photo of him from thirty years ago, and he was a cute kid. The photo was of him and a female fan who had volunteered to get naked in the studio for a publicity shot with him. It is an adorable portraiture of two young people having a great life. Hey, you’re only young once and it doesn’t last forever.
That’s the problem. Imus grew up, only his mind didn’t grow up with him. Substitute the Imus of 2007 for the Imus of 1977 in that photo, and instead of a cute young guy making hay with the girls, you got a crusty old pervert who doesn’t have the sense to act his age. When you’re young everything you do is cute. When you’re older, being cute is the kiss of death. Keith Richards already looks like a rhesus monkey. Acting like one and actually falling out of a coconut tree does not enhance his appeal. Mick Jagger doing the boogaloo in a sequined tube top at age 62 is not doing anything to boost his artistic reputation. Why don’t these musicians get Armani suits and Panama hats and play the blues like they’re supposed to? They could do what Ry Cooder did and record in Havana, or go down to the Cape Verde Islands and record steaming Portuguese Fado music with an African backup band. Now that would be cool!
People get weird when they get older, and it’s because they stop learning. When the Who’s Peter Townshend was downloading child pornography off his PC, did he really believe he wouldn’t get caught? Or is he just a fuckin’ moron who didn’t understand the implications of the digital new age? I vote for all of the above.
Billy Preston was a phenomenal organ player who recorded with the Beatles and had some terrific spiritual hits such as “That’s The Way God Planned It.” Did God plan for him to get caught and do jail time for pedophilia with young boys?
You can stay in the game when you get older, but you have to maintain your dignity. Even Rodney Dangerfield, not exactly a paradigm of decorous behavior, managed to maintain the public’s respect by reserving his worst shots for himself. Actually, if you think about it, Rodney Dangerfield, was more distinguished than Donald Trump the Billionaire, who has a thin skin, is a liar, and has a propensity for feuding with fat, useless lesbian comedians.
A big part of the problem is that people don’t realize they are old. Aging is a gradual process. Plus which, your vision gets softer, which is nature’s way of sparing you some of the harsher realities of life. I knew this guy, Papo, who was totally destroyed at age 50 from booze and crack. His face looked as though he had had smallpox and mumps and then been worked over by a sandblasting machine. “I look like a kid,” he told me just before he died from AIDS.
When Mick Jagger and Imus look in the mirror, that’s what they see – a kid. And that’s how they are behaving, like kids.
This infantilism is running wild in our society. Alberto Gonzalez’ dog ate his homework. George Bush doesn’t want to be confused by the facts, even as the Republican Party and indeed the whole world are voting with their feet in the other direction.
We seem to be part of a process of reverse Darwinism, natural selection in the reverse sense, where every generation is getting progressively stupider, until we eventually devolve back to apes and then one-cell nuclei, because people are insisting on favoritizing people who are stupider than they are and therefore no threat to them. I see it happening all over, and this tendency toward regression would be a rich mine of research for some fool with a lot of time to kill.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating a reversal of course – reversal to what? People have always been idiots and I don’t have to tax myself very hard to outsmart them.
But sometimes rationality gets lonely.
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Posted on 4/21/2007
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April 17, 2007
Attorney Raoul Felder and his chum, comedian Jackie Mason, have written a book entitled “Schmucks” wherein they refer to Hillary Clinton, her husband, whatsisname, and Al Sharpton as exemplifying the title phrase.
Now Governor Eliot Spitzer, God bless him, is demanding that Felder resign from the state Commission on Judicial Conduct on the grounds that somebody who uses the aforementioned phrase is beneath the dignity of the Commission.
This coming from a man who has famously referred to himself as “a fucking bulldozer.” That is evidently dignified.
What does the governor think Jackie Mason should do, resign from the Friars Club?
Lighten up, Gov! There is hardly anybody in New York who could not be accurately described as a schmuck, including the governor. Including this writer. It goes with the territory. In order to survive one day in New York City you have to manifest enormous quantities of schmuckliness. This is a city where lies, insults and backstabbing actually become desirable qualities, because they are the social lubricants that make possible progress in the New York sense of the word.
Not that I am for it, but you would have to be from Schenectady not to recognize the reality of it.
All Felder and Mason did was to call a schmuck a schmuck. That is freedom of speech.
Their digs are directed at people on the left side of the political spectrum, where I reside as well. So let them call me a schmuck.
Maybe we’re schmucks, but we don’t massacre our kids like so many carloads of livestock as they do in the genteel environs of flyover country. I realize that the kid who did the shooting was a foreigner, but he never could have assembled the arsenal he was packing in his own country. For that he had to come to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, as it was recently described to me by my now former employer. It’s a sad commentary, but if you had gone into that classroom five minutes before the mayhem erupted and taken a poll, the majority of the students who were killed would have supported the NRA position on the Right to Bear Arms, as would have their parents. Time will tell if the parents’ position on the desirability of free access to firearms changes now, in light of recent events.
The epithets I reserve for people on the right go a lot farther than schmuck, believe me! How about this for an opinion of the charming right-wing commentators who inform the nation's airwaves, like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter: moronic, imbecilic, maggot-ridden, protofascist progeny of diseased, offal-eating falangist prostitutes. And that’s just for starters.
Schmuck, by comparison, is almost of term of loving endearment. I use it all the time, especially in my stage act.
“Little Schmuck on the Prairie.” “Dancing With the Schmucks.” It always gets a laugh.
To throw an attorney off a judicial commission just because he collaborates with a comedian in writing a joke book should be beneath the dignity of the Governor of New York.
As for Felder and Mason denigrating the Spanish language, as they do in their little tome, I say, “¡Chinga tu madre!”
Instead of going after the poor people who are so desperate that they are willing to go through hell just so they can come here and drive a delivery bicycle, as Mason and Felder are so happy to do, I propose to send the bill for the immigrants’ social services to the real villains, the thieves and gangsters that constitute the Mexican establishment, who are robbing Mexico blind, its own kleptocratic oligarchy like Carlos Slim Helú, the second richest man in the world, whose public position is that helping people is a waste of resources, and his whole corrupt gang of thieves and robber barons, who long ago made the determination to steal everything in sight and use the United States as a toilet to absorb their excess population.
That’s where the fault lies, not with the starving masses who come here, but the scumbags who squeeze them dry and force them to leave their own country.
Compared to these duds, Raoul Felder and Jackie Mason are just a stoopid, baggy pants comedy duo who write comic books. God Bless ‘em, I say!
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Posted on 4/17/2007
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April 15, 2007
Al Sharpton is jealous of all the attention Barack Obama is getting because in his words “What has Obama ever done for the community?”
Like, the only impact Al Sharpton has ever made has been on a bucket to Popeye’s Fried Chicken.
Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are obsolete and they know it. Whatever his faults (and his only fault is that he’s too soon on the national scene to allow himself to be put up against the zombie-ghoul Republican meat-grinder in the general election), Barack Obama is the Natural Selection Black Man.
Maybe that’s because he’s half white.
Natural selection in the Darwin sense of the word means that species adopt in order to survive. Obama crosses racial lines like fusion jazz. He’s like Bill Cosby in that white people can relate to him. He is a transporter of the black racial experience to the general public without being weighted down by it.
Obama Rules! Just, not in 2008. We already have our candidate, and her name is Hillary Clinton.
Nevertheless, like an old dinosaur who refuses to cooperate in his own extinction, Al Sharpton is still having luck in finding victims to eat.
Like a predatory animal that patiently waits on the fringes of a herd of prey, waiting for an opportunity to devour a sick, lame victim, Sharpton is smacking his lips after making a meal out of scrawny, pathetic Imus, a deluded drunk and a cokehead who is a beaten down old nag of a horse that was ready for the glue factory in any sense, God bless him.
It’s not a tragedy, it’s a comedy: a big, fat hyena chasing down an emaciated, desiccated old fleabag of a chattering weasel.
Who gives a fuck about anything that Imus says anyway? I don’t know one person who listened to that gristly old drunk, who is so deluded that after thirty years in New York he still insists on wearing the stupid cowboy hat and rodeo belt buckle, like the old Clint Eastwood movie about the hick sheriff who comes to New York to catch his fugitive.
I suspect that Imus’ audience is out there in fucking flyover country, and they sure don’t care about lame jokes about nappy headed ho’s. Nobody does, except Al Sharpton.
Sharpton reminds me of the anecdote about the big-mouth comedian who created chaos in his wake everywhere he went, bringing disaster down onto everybody but himself. He’s a Typhoid Mary, and New York is his Ground Zero.
This Grand Inquisitor of the Duke lacrosse team was once involved in his own phony rape witch hunt, against Dutchess County prosecutor Steven Pagonis, who, once cleared of the charge, got a slander judgment against Sharpton, which was paid by one of Sharpton’s supporters. Teflon Sharpton, they should call him, though there’s not enough Teflon in the world to coat his fat black ass.
In any case, Sharpton now has a new windmill to tilt into, like a bloated Don Quixote de la Mattress riding his gypsy cab into battle. The New York Post today ran an article about a marksmanship instructor in the German army who instructed his recruits to imagine they were shooting blacks in the Bronx.
Which is the damned truth. All the nonsense about the impeccable New Germans is just a load of horseshit. People don’t change, and the Germans are incorrigible racist swine. Bad as we are, the Germans are ten times worse.
Bottom-feeder par excellance that he is, Sharpton immediately zeroed in this delectable morsel of human waste and slammed the Germans of using blacks for target practice. Good! Let him get his get his hooks into those pricks. They deserve each other – Sharpton and the Germans!
Maybe we should send him over to Germany as our goodwill ambassador!
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Posted on 4/15/2007
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April 11, 2007
A-Rod is certainly earning his money this year, hitting a home run every day. He must have got over his mystery illness of last season, which probably came from sitting on the same toilet seat as the Mets’ Paul LoDuca.
I found out the secret of his new virtuosity. It turns out that Yankees manager Joe Torre advised him to imagine that the ball was Derek Jeter’s head, and he hit it out of the park!
In the meantime, Yanks center fielder Hideki Matsui is back on the disabled list. Owner George Steinbrenner brought in one of those Japanese geisha girls to administer him therapy by walking on his back, but she made a mistake and stepped on his dick and now it’s sushi.
Meanwhile, the new Israeli professional baseball league has swung into action! They started a professional league, but they had to change some of the rules.
Since the game is played in Hebrew, the players run around the field the wrong way.
Since it’s Jewish baseball, all the bats have got the tip cut off.
The players don’t wear baseball caps. They wear yarmulkes with sun visors.
The players can hit home runs but they can’t hit the ball out of the park because it might land in Jordan and start a war.
Since it’s Jewish baseball, there’s always a lot of stealing bases going on. Some guys get walked but they slide into first base out of habit. The stealing is so rampant that they got a cop at every base. If the runner runs too slow, the infielder sometimes sells him the base. When the player steals a base in Israel he takes it home with him. The home plate umpire is a rabbi, and if a player steals home, the rabbi waves his finger at him and calls him to a bad boy. Then he asks for a donation. And don’t mess around with him, because the rabbi is also a moyle, and if you argue with him he cuts another quarter-inch off your dick. Some players don’t have nothing left, because in Israeli baseball they throw you out of the game for not arguing!
The biggest change in Israeli baseball is that when the player goes up to bat, his mother runs up and fills up home plate with food.
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Posted on 4/11/2007
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April 08, 2007
Hi folks!
Gladys told me “I can’t stand to hear you talk. Why don’t you put something in your mouth?”
So I got this! [pulls out harmonica and plays a few bars]
I took my girlfriend to see the Yankees. I kissed her on the strikes and she kissed me on the balls.
I ate some of that contaminated dog food and now I’m sick.
I asked this hip-hop guy why he was wearing a condom on his head and he told me “ ‘Cause I’m a dick!”
Where’s that Chinese guy? Lissen, man, I took one of those Chinese buses to Philadelphia. It was cheap, but it took a really long time to get there ‘cause they kept stopping to pick up roadkill.
Did you ever notice that when you go to Chinatown you never see any dogs or cats on the street?
Where’s that Spanish guy? Lissen, man, can I practice my Spanish? ‘Cause I wanna learn Spanish too! Yeah? ¡Oyé! ¡Mira! ¿Tú sabes por qué las mujeres me llaman “Hombre de Nieve?” ¡Por qué yo tengo el cuevo de helado con dos cojones de hielo! That means women call me “Snowman” because I got an ice cream dick and two ice cubes for balls.
Now I’d like to sing you a traditional Spanish song that is popular in the public toilet in Union City, New Jersey, right behind the Celia Cruz memorial by the expressway. It’s called “Maricón de Mi Corazon Tu Comida Está en mi Calezon” which means “Gay Guy of My Dreams, Your Dinner is in My Pants.”
[plays the harmonica and sings]
Coño carajo diablo pendejo maricó-óóón
Coño carajo diablo pendejo maricó-óóón
O maricón tu tienes el culo que deseo
No importa que tu estas tan feo!
[speaks] Gay guy you got the butt I desire. It doesn’t matter that you so ugly.
Yo necesito un maricón fidel en mi vida
Que no roba mi dinero y me deja con un Sidaaaaa />[speaks] I want a faithful gay guy who won’t steal my money and give me AIDS.
The whole world’s going gay, and I don’t want to get left behind. That’s why I’m starting a gay book club. [to a guy in the audience] You want to buy some books?
These are the titles I got so far:
Leave No Behind Behind
Heather Has 5 Daddys
Romeo and Homeo
Butt-a-Roni The San Francisco Treat
Adventures in Proctology
Modern Sheep Husbandry
and
Cooking With Fruits and Nuts
I should rake in millions with this cool shit!
In Jersey they don’t have Home Depot. They got Homo Depot.
They put up a statue of Governor McGreevy, but they had to take it down because pigeons were roosting in its butt.
I wanna’ do a gay remake of “Incredible Voyage” where they shrink the submarine down to the size of a dick and shove it up the guy’s ass, and it gets attacked by the Giant Hemorrhoid.
They offered Condoleeza Rice a job after she gets through being Secretary of State. They want to put her on top of the new Freedom Tower for a scarecrow, to scare terrorists.
The reason the Republicans are against abortion is that they need more kids to molest.
Well, that’s all my time, folks. Thankyouverymuch!
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Posted on 4/8/2007
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April 08, 2007
The reason my girlfriend started going out with me is that her dog died and she was lonely. The problem is, she fed me some of that contaminated dog food and now I’m sick.
The ingredients in that dog food were imported from China, which has the world’s worst environmental protection. Every day some new ecological disaster is reported out of China. Bodies of water and vast areas of land polluted with chemical waste. It was only a matter of time until all that poison found its way into the food chain.
Dogs dying in China is not a problem for them. They can just eat the meat and make fur coats to sell to us. But here in America we take our dogs seriously, maybe too seriously.
The United States imports vast amounts of food ingredients from China because of the cheap prices. When I managed the bagel factory I bought thousands of pounds of Chinese garlic and onion every week because it was one-third cheaper than the California product. Fortunately, nobody has yet gotten sick from eating onion or garlic bagels, but you never know what will happen next.
Fortunately, it’s only dogs and cats that got sick from contaminated wheat product from China, but people could start getting sick and dying from eating Chinese onions any day.
If we are eating their food, than we have a direct interest in how the Chinese manage their environment.
Again, I’m shocked that with all the news about the poisoned dog food, nobody has given any thought to the food imported from China intended for human consumption. We better send some inspectors over there and find out what else is going on.
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Posted on 4/8/2007
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April 08, 2007
I’m tired of writing about politics and I want to keep my blog focused on comedy and satire, but when I read the newspapers and watch television I keep smelling a great big rat, and I seem to be the only one.
Maybe I’m psycho but I keep seeing things that nobody else is seeing. In the case of Barack Obama I’m happy that black America has got a decent leader that white people are compelled to respect. Obama is a fusion candidate, like fusion jazz music whose appeal crosses racial lines
But the huge amount of support he is receiving from Republican power centers suggests to me that he is being used as a Trojan horse to stop Hillary Clinton, and I would be interested in knowing how much of Obama’s incredible fund raising success is coming from Republican power sources like insurance companies, private equity and oil companies. With the Republicans much weakened and fielding a very weak field of potential candidates, the big money has invaded Democratic politics in an attempt to shape the country’s political future, and conservative support for Obama could be perceived as an attempt to handicap the Democrats and give the Republicans an advantage.
Barack Obama is a good guy and I really love him, but the country really needs powerful leadership from the left, and that can only come from Hillary and Bill Clinton.
Barack Obama has too many weaknesses and if the Republican power sources succeed in installing him as the Democratic candidate, they will then proceed to tear him to shreds in the general election.
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Posted on 4/8/2007
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April 04, 2007
Nancy Pelosi for president? Now I know you’ve lost your mind!
Maybe, but she’s closer than you think.
I may be nasty, but I’ve always been interested in history. And the historical panorama of the world is no further than your local library. As my mentor and inspiration, Frank Zappa, once was famously quoted to say, you don’t need no university to learn. Just go to the library and read a book. And what the history books tell us is that the Iraq war is so unwinnable as to be cast into the realm of illusion.
During the lightning expansion of Islam from the Arabian peninsula in the seventh and eighth centuries AD, the first territory to be conquered was Mesopotamia, the present day Iraq. Tribes from Arabia moved into Iraq and took over completely from its Persian and Anatolian rulers.
With the death of the Prophet Muhammad, there developed a schism in Islam between those who believed that the new religion should be ruled by the actual blood descendants of the prophet, the Shi’ites, and those who believed that any righteous Muslim who had lived a rigorous life of morality was fit to lead. These adherents came to be known as Sunnis.
These true believers have fought many wars for ascendancy, and they were not shy about cutting off heads and exploding bombs to advance their beliefs.
This is the fundamental truth about the history of Iraq, and any foreign power that believes that it can move in and play one sect against the other is destined to become just another piece of meat in a meat grinder that has been churning for fifteen hundred years.
The only analogy that comes to mind as it applies to us would be if a foreign power had tried to invade the United States during our own civil war of 1861-65 and tried to restore order. Anybody who would have tried that would have immediately been hacked to pieces by both the Union and Confederate sides. Unfortunately the dynamics of civil war do not allow for third-party interlopers.
By moving into Iraq and unsettling the status quo we opened a Pandora’s box of demons who will first try to eliminate the barriers trying to keep them from hacking each other to pieces. The useless puppet government we set up there is under an immediate sentence of death from both sides, and that is why they are wholeheartedly trying to steal as much as they can as soon as possible, so that they can live peaceably in Damascus or in the south of France as soon as their situation becomes untenable. And I don’t blame them. I myself would be looking to steal as much as possible while the getting was good.
The second set of dynamics at play is that of the colonial powers who have in the past attempted to instill their idea of order in a colonial society. The two recent instances that come to mind, the Russians in Afghanistan and the French in Algeria, both ended the same way, with domestic political chaos. The Afghanistan debacle led directly to the collapse of the whole Soviet political system. The French, also experiencing political meltdown, were forced to literally beg Charles De Gaulle to take control and restore order. De Gaulle’s power in this situation was so complete that as a condition for assuming power he literally forced the French politicians to re-write the French constitution, centralizing all power in his hands, before he finally assumed control and effectively abandoned Algeria (although he achieved a very good bargain from the Algerian revolutionaries).
The way things stand for the United States right now; we have nobody with the immense stature of De Gaulle to take control. What we have is a bunch of dwarfs. Nevertheless, the Democrats have made the first baby steps toward extricating us from the chaos by passing resolutions mandating military withdrawal from Iraq.
Unfortunately, the people who ascribe our invasion of Iraq as a naked grab for oil are giving the Bush administration too much credit for rational thinking. Because if that were the case, there would have been a lot more effective ways to get our hooks into the oil. Unfortunately the confused reasons ascribed to invading the place, weapons of mass destruction, saving the Kurds, punishing Saddam Hussein, installing democracy and all the other half-baked opium dreams advanced by middlebrow neo-conservative idiots go a lot farther in explaining the waste of our nation’s precious wealth and the health of our trusting personnel, who have been so ill-served by the morons who thrust them into this morass.
The way things stand right now, Congress will push for a withdrawal date in a conference of the two houses that will arrive at a resolution that has teeth to it. We must be out by such-and-such a date. Bush, who is increasingly isolated, will cave in to his base and veto the bill.
When this happens, he will come under irresistible pressure from the twenty Republican senators who are up for re-election next year to advance his own plan for withdrawal. If Bush does not go far enough to satisfy the majority of people in this country who are disgusted with his prosecution of the war, and if the 20 Republican senators who are up for re-election determine that they are in jeopardy of losing their seats, then the push for impeachment will begin, though the Republicans will stay in the background and let the Democrats take the heat for it.
If the House of Representatives determines that Bush’s impeachment has a decent chance to succeed, then they will assemble a bill of particulars called Articles of Impeachment and pass it, to send to the Senate for a full-blown trial. The Senate, after debate and a trial will vote to convict Bush. In that case, the first in line to succeed him would be his hostile and irrational vice-president, Cheney.
Which is why I believe that any Articles of Impeachment will also include Cheney’s name as an afterthought.
Next in line would be Speaker Pelosi, who would be installed as a lame-duck president just months prior to a general election. I believe that the liberal Pelosi, representing the much-reviled citizens of San Francisco, would be perceived to be a delectable choice for the Republicans to run against. And she would present them with the added advantage of derailing a run by Hillary Clinton and her husband, whom the Republicans both fear and loathe.
To me this scenario makes eminent sense. I can’t figure out why the astronomically-paid deep thinkers who bring our news and opinion to us have not even explored this possibility.
Remember, you heard if first from 200motels.
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Posted on 4/4/2007
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