December 30, 2007
Congratulations to New England. They showed phenomenal class under pressure right from the first minutes of the game when Eli Manning connected to Plaxico Burgess for a 52 yard run, then to Brandon Jacobs for a 7-0 lead.
A New England field goal by Stephen Gostkowski and a second quarter touchdown pass to Randy Moss put the Patriots back in the game, the single pass marking Patriot records for team points scored in a season, yards passing for Tom Brady and yards receiving for Moss. Fantastic! But a 15-yard penalty assigned to Moss for clowning around in the end zone forced them to kick off from farther down field, setting up Giants Dominik Hixon for a 74 yard touchdown run and immediately putting the Giants back in the lead ha-ha!After that the momentum kept swinging back and forth until half time, where the Giants left the field leading 20-16. By the third quarter the Giants were well ahead with a 12-point advantage, with Manning throwing a perfect game helped by phenomenal rushing in the form of Jacobs and an intuitive and aggressive defensive squad.By and large, Manning played a perfect game, only getting sacked one time that I can remember and suffering no fumbles or interceptions. It was well into the third quarter before the Giants were forced to turn the ball over for the first time. This brings to mind what I have been writing Eli Manning all along, that the dude is loaded with talent. The freakin TV announcers couldn't even bear to recognize his achievements, damning him with faint praise, because to credit his unique performance would put the lie to all the snarky things they have been saying about him all season.I don't have that problem. All my remarks about Manning are still posted on this site for the entire world to see, and his performance tonight proves my intuitions about his ability to have been totally on the money.Unfortunately for the Giants, they finally broke under the pressure of Tom Brady's superb passing ability and Moss' theatrical receiving, as Brady connected a terrific Hail Mary touchdown pass to Moss one play after they had failed to complete exactly the same play, which must have psychologically devastated the Giants, because after that the Patriots had all the momentum right up to the game's final minute, when the Giants rebounded to within 3 points of the Pats, but it was too little too late.All Hail The Patriots! They have collectively got the superior talent, no question. But in order to equal the Dolphins they still need to win the Superbowl as well. Ant since the Giants are still in the game, having secured their playoff berth last week against the Bills, we might just get to see a replay of tonight's fantastic matchup in January.Fantastic football. God Bless America!
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Posted on 12/30/2007
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December 29, 2007
The assassination of Benazir Bhutto again throws US diplomacy into a tailspin because, not having any better ideas, US “experts” had placed all their bets on her, the way an inexperienced bettor would put all his chips on one number at a roulette table. Not having established any reliable political contacts within the country, they were obliged to almost literally parachute her in.
The concept of a Pakistani democracy as it’s understood in the west was always illusory anyway, strongman Pervez Musharraf having “won” the presidential election in October by a majority of 98%, which is about the equivalent of an election in Cuba or Zimbabwe. Nobody talks about that result, or the fact that the Islamist parties boycotted the election. If the Islamists had participated, the situation would have been worse than it is now because Musharraf would have stolen the election anyway, but the fact remains that the election was essentially held for purposes of the Bush administration’s selective commitment to spreading democracy. India has democracy because of a democratic tradition and a democratic intellectual elite. Pakistan, not.
For Pervez Musharraf to exchange his general’s uniform for a Seville Row suit is so much more window dressing for public relations purposes. The US Department of State and its esteemed leader, the redoubtable Condoleeza Rice, are engaging in an exercise of futility by pretending to be able to influence events in such an incomprehensible boiling cauldron of conflicting interests as Pakistan. Nobody in the State Department leadership has any understanding whatever of the cultural, political and military history of the region. US policy toward the country is a laughable French farce. It’s closer to a Three Stooges comedy. US policy planners are essentially seeing Pakistan through the prism of their own understanding, which is limited to life in the cushy precincts of Northern Virginia or Connecticut. They can’t understand why Pakistani politics should be any more difficult to manage than the New Hampshire primary. It’s like watching the idiots on Hardball or Bill O’Reilly coming to grips with the Sunnis, Shi’ites and Kurds in Iraq as though it were a football game. “Yeah, if our team runs around the end, the other team will respond by moving its line over to the left blah blah blah.”
The best that these imbeciles could accomplish was to pressure Musharraf to permit the re-entry of the exiled Benazir Bhutto into the country to contest the bogus parliamentary elections scheduled and then rescheduled for early 2008, which the State Department forced upon him for purposes of internal administration ideological considerations. As though anybody in the US cares if Pakistan has a parliament or anything else, for that matter! Seen in that light, Bhutto was a marked woman right from the start. She knew she was being set up by the Americans to take a fall. How could it be otherwise, with all the State Department officers calling her every day, telling her, “It’s OK, Musharraf will agree to let you go back!” She was being used as a pawn. It was clear from the start that this whole “democracy” push from the Bush administration was to legitimize Musharraf’s rule, never to displace him.That’s why Musharraf was cooperating, because the State Department had convinced him that it was in his interest to do so. But even so she decided it was worth a shot, even if it was 1000-1. Politicians are essentially characterized by their enormous egos.
Musharraf knows he is the keystone of US policy in Pakistan, so he concentrates on consolidating his own power. He is a corrupt oligarch kept in power to protect Afghanistan’s eastern flank from the indigenous Taliban. None of this charade would have been necessary if instead of invading Iraq the American government had decided to consecrate the necessary resources needed to properly occupy and rebuild Afghanistan.
Musharraf is a shaky foundation indeed upon which to construct an edifice in the shifting sands of Pakistani society, and with the construction job being contracted out to the hopelessly inept engineers of the U.S. State Department, I wouldn’t want to bet on its resilience in the event of a violent tremor. As the Marquise de Païva was heard to remark in 1870, at the inset of the bloody and violent paroxysms that constituted the Paris Commune, “Yes, one day the structure cracks all over. It’s like an earthquake.”
In the meantime, the dynamic of US presidential politics has now shifted to address the Bhutto assassination. Naturally the candidates don’t know any more about Pakistan than they do about anything else, and even if they did they are not letting on, so as not to appear more sophisticated than the electorate. They are really behaving stupidly, telephoning Pervez Musharraf to express their condolences to him, as though Musharraf gives a damn about Benazir Bhutto!
The (non-) candidate who stands to gain the most from this mess is Mayor Bloomberg, who only has to keep quiet on the issue to appear presidential while the other bozos are trying to crowd past each other to get in front of the issue. The smartest thing he could do, it seems to one observer, would be to issue a statement that under a theoretical Bloomberg administration the necessary resources to control and pacify Afghanistan would be transferred as needed from Iraq to that country, which we rightly invaded because it was being used as a staging ground by al-Qaeda and Bin Ladin to mount attacks against the United States. He could propose using the good offices of the US State Department to call a conference of all the factions in Pakistan, including the Islamists, to force Musharraf into a power sharing agreement that would include all the political factions.
This last part may be unrealistic, but it makes sense from the standpoint of US electoral politics and it at least sounds reasonable.
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Posted on 12/29/2007
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December 29, 2007
RBS - I'm Glad You Asked That Question!Probably no other affliction in modern times has inhibited the ability of our athletes to turn in a credible performance than RBS, which is characterized by an involuntary rumba motion of the gluteus maximus muscle group induced by overexposure to Latin music radio stations.200motels Sports News commissioned the Crack Detective Agency to get to the bottom of this issue. The result was an in-depth probe into the backfields of America's most highly performing sports teams by Crack, which spared no effort to get to the bottom of the matter.In an exclusive interview with Buttley Culo, Crack's vice-president for internal affairs, these startling facts emerged:Restless Butt Syndrome affects pitchers and catchers in equal proportion, with half of respondents insisting that they would like to get on top of the situation and the other half adopting a passive desire to let the situation run its course and see what emerged.Football players were equally divided on the issue, with centers expressing the preference of snapping the ball on three and quarterbacks preferring that the ball be snapped on one, a more immediate response.What developed in the boxing world was a dichotomy between the aggressive, man-handling style of Floyd Mayweather and the rather more laid back style of Oscar De La Hoya, characterized by a predilection for ladies' panties and feather boas.When it came to women's sports, the athletes expressed a desire for long post-game massages involving the use of water piks. "It helps to reduce the stress induced by intense athletic competition, " remarked one championship female soccer player." "I find that I relax most by sitting on the basketball," said the captain of a championship girls' collegiate team."Whatever short-run solutions may be improvised in America's locker rooms, the problem of Restless Butt Syndrome will continue to plague America's athletes until an advisory council on the subject is established by President Bush.This has been a special report by 200motels Sports Network.
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Posted on 12/29/2007
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December 27, 2007
We don't need any more pencil neck dorks running our lives. Hillary Clinton's body looks like a sack of Idaho potatoes, and all she's really got to run on is her future ex-husband, Whatsisname.Barack Obama, if I need to hear advice from a short pants kindergarten kid with jug ears, I'll send you a telegram.John Edwards looks like a Barbie Doll with that freakin haircut.Oh, the Republicans! These guys say that if your kid gets sick, just waterboard him. You got Mutt Romney, who announced that he was pleased that the whole country hates the Yankees. He insists that under his religion Jesus and Satan are not brothers. No - they're half-brothers, having been born of different mothers (who was Satan's mother, Lindsay Lohan?)Rudolph Giuliani buys his dresses in the same store where Oscar De La Hoya gets his panties.Mike Schmuckabee appears on TV in front of a shining cross like "The Exorcist" and then insists it's not a cross, it's a bookshelf. What am I, an idiot? If I appear on TV with Hugo Chavez' face in the background and then tell you it's a cloud formation, are you gonna buy that?The fact of the matter is that this country is a secular western democracy which has always been composed of many ethnic and religious groups. That's how the constitution was written, to reflect that reality. We don't need a candidate to shove his religion down the rest of our throats, or we will end up with the Spanish Inquisition.Fan Nation is a sports blog. We should be supporting a candidate who reflects our conviction that sport represents a superior value system for people's lives, and the present embodiment of that ethic is represented by only one person, Arnold Schwartznegger.He's not a Republican and he's not a Democrat. He never ran in a bogus primary campaign and he never told a bunch of lies about phony values. He IS his values, a huge muscular athlete who was six times Mr. Olympia, Mr. Universe and I don't know what-all else.His whole life has been in the gym pumping iron. He dated beautiful girls and he never wore a dress. He married a Kennedy woman and made millions as a movie star and worldwide sex symbol action hero. Unlike Ronald freakin Reagan, Schwartznegger really is a tough guy. And unlike Reagan, he's got brains!When the Democrats and Republicans in California were arguing like cats and dogs, Ol' Arnie just kicked in the door to the governor's mansion and installed himself in the big chair with a cigar, just like a Terminator movie, only it was real life. Just to prove it wasn't a fluke, he got re-elected, and he can get re-elected again if he wants to.New York mayor Michael Bloomberg is getting ready to run for president on an independent platform (what's he gonna do, go on TV in front of a shining Star of David and later claim that it was a hopscotch graffiti?) and he's trying to enlist Schwartznegger to get onboard as his running mate.This scenario has got the Clinton campaign rooted in fear, and I say "Right On!" Go for it, Arnie! And once you get the second slot, we can see about amending the constitution so that you can eventually get to the top, just like a freakin movie!A new broom sweeps clean, and after the mess we presently have, with Bush and all those other lame stiffs, America needs a new second act.
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December 26, 2007
The big question mark which has been keeping New York wondering this basketball season is why Knicks owner James Dolan has not fired team manager Isiah Thomas after Thomas' disastrous management of the team.200motels News assembled a team of crack investigators from the Crack Detective Agency to ferret out the facts behind the case and they came up with this shocking report.DOLAN AND THOMAS ARE MARRIED!During the Knicks' disastrous rout by the Celtics in Boston, where they were mangled by a score of 110-59 (or whatever it was), Dolan and Thomas slipped away from the game and tied the knot in Massachusetts, the only state in the union that authorizes marriage between men!They were married at the Massachusetts Temple of Love, the same chapel where former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, wearing a wedding gown designed by Vera Wang, recently married Idaho senator Larry Craig in a ceremony that took place in a cubicle in the men's bathroom. color="#00ff00">
The ceremony was officiated by Rep. Barney Frank and witnessed by former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, who wore a Nets jersey and miniskirt for the occasion. Singer George Michael played the mouth organ and sang "Abide By Me," while students from the Cory Lidle Aeronautical Training Institute performed a flying show overhead, skywriting the words "Til Death Do Us Part," before crashing into each other.
Oscar De La Hoya, dressed in a blonde wig, fishnet stockings and Victoria's Secret panties, acted as bridesmaid.After the ceremony Thomas and Dolan both announced they were pregnant.This has been a special report by 200motels News Network.
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Posted on 12/26/2007
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December 26, 2007
Archie Manning and family
It's hard to imagine, but some old people used to be young.One time there was a star struck young man from New York who ran out on his family business and went to Hollywood to be in pictures. He landed a hot part as the bullfighter that Ava Gardner runs away with in the film version of Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises."The wise guy film executives who were a bunch of trash talking, backbiting, bottom-feeding lowlife schmucks, ran to the film's producer, Darryl F. Zanuck, and complained about the young actor. "This guy stinks!" they exclaimed. "He's a loser. He can't act his way out of a paper bag!"Zanuck, who may not have had the wisdom of King Solomon but was nevertheless smarter than all these turkeys put together, regally ordained, "The kid stays in the picture.""The kid" was Robert Evans, who eventually produced "The Godfather," "Chinatown," "Rosemary's Baby" and a host of other worldwide blockbuster entertainments.Today New York has its own "kid," Eli Manning. And the critics are howling for his blood as well.As my old boss, Pops, who couldn't read or write for s&*t but ended his life as an immensely rich man, God Rest His Soul, once pronounced to me in a stentorian exclamation, "Thoroughbreds are not made, they're born." My practical experience leads me to fervently believe in the truthfulness of that statement. Some are born with athletic ability and some not, me - not. I have been training and playing sports my whole life, and the most you can say about me is that I can fit into the freight elevator without first having to grease my backside with chicken fat to pop through the door.I couldn't throw a 40-yard touchdown pass with a defensive line of 300-lb.tackles trying to squash me if you offered me a million bucks. I don't have the genetics. As Pops patiently explained me, thoroughbred racehorses derive from bloodlines. That's why Secretariat earned countless millions for doing what comes naturally, and it's the same with people.It's for that reason that I would advise any football-mad woman who dreams of giving birth to an All American quarterback to try to arrange a date with 1978 NFL MVP Archie Manning. He sired two fine quarterbacks, Peyton and Eli.Peyton Manning, nobody is disputing. But Eli is a little more controversial. He bobbles the ball. Sometimes he gets sacked and thrown for a loss. More frequently than that he has a tendency to land passes into the loving arms of grateful defensive interceptors like he did last weekend to Buffalo linebacker Keith Ellison, leading to Marshawn Lynch's TD one minute into the second half ha-ha! Five fumbles and two interceptions - I almost choked up my beer!Never mind that. The Giants did a fantastic job of running the ball and dominating the second half against Buffalo. Brandon Jacobs was obviously the sparkplug of keeping them in the game through its most difficult moments, and I totally despaired when he was forced out with an injury - until I saw Ahmet Bradshaw totally take control of the game, shooting 88 yards down the icy field like a freakin Roman candle.The Giants are loaded with talent in depth. They have so much star quality that I'm not going to list it right here. I'm just going to get to the point.Anybody who suggests that the Giants should avoid taking chances against the Patriots to avoid injuries going into the playoffs is obviously smoking inferior quality stuff. The Patriots are not Team Terminator, they are a team of men who are riding an incredible string of good luck. Oh yeah, they got talent and they're motivated. They got Tom Brady, but if you take him out of the equation the Giants are man-for-man the equal of the Patriots any day.In terms of Eli Manning, maybe at this early stage of his career he is not equal of Brady or of his brother, but he has closely adhered to Tom Coughlin's and Kevin Gilbride's offensive strategy, and he has captained a very satisfying 10-5 season, leading to a playoff spot, for the fans.Manning has got talent and he has got a big heart. You never know, backed up by all the excellent talent that the Giants possess, he might have a fantastic day against New England and completely tear up all the smug prognostications of Patriot invincibility. Wouldn't that be something!As for all the bloated, corrupt, drunken New York sportswriters who are using Eli Manning as a trampoline despite all his obviously fine qualities, I have only one thing to say by way of a riposte:"The kid stays in the picture."
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Posted on 12/26/2007
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December 23, 2007
In the old Broadway musical "Damn Yankees" a guy named Joe makes a deal to sell his soul to the devil in return for one season as the Yanks' center fielder.Steroids are a similar deal. You get a temporary boost from using them, but you could end up getting your legs amputated or even die.Steroids have to be stopped, but unfortunately they are a relatively recent phenomenon, and since detection methods can be stymied, getting control of the situation can be problematic. Generally speaking, I am very Libertarian about people's personal behavior, but steroids used as a performance enhancer is the devil's work and must be stopped.Not that there isn't a valid medical use for steroids. Andy Pettitt claims to have taken steroid shots for an elbow injury that wasn't healing. If the facts bear out that claim and he has a physician to back it up, he should be let off the hook.In fact, until there is a universal convention dealing with procedures to control steroids, leniency in past cases should be the guiding principle. Anyway, that's just one opinion. And, let's face it; a lot of people think that I'm out of my mind, so take it for what it's worth.The way things are going right now, I don't have too much faith in the Mitchell Commission. He's no genius and his sources are a couple of mobbed-up creeps who will say anything to get themselves off the hook. They produced some checks from Paul Lo Duca (what a genius, buying drugs with a check!), but failing documentary proof like that most of what they say is inadmissible third-party hearsay.The case against Clemens is already starting to fall apart, and I have a feeling that a lot of other names are going to have to be scratched from Mitchell's blacklist by the time the whole thing shakes out.After 9/11 I told my girlfriend that the U.S. was so inept in gathering antiterrorist intelligence that we should solicit expertise from European countries and Israel, countries that have gained practical experience through centuries of developing police procedure. I feel that in the case of steroids and doping we should work closely with international athletic agencies and use the techniques that they have developed over the years so that we are not put in the position of having to reinvent the wheel.Mitchell is unfortunately using an axe to perform a surgical procedure, and a lot of careers are going to be ruined by the time he finally perfects his technique for eradicating doping. A more effective way might be for MLB and the players union to work out a convention that goes easy on past use so that they can work together going forward.LUCHA LIBRE Mexican Butt Wrestling!
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Posted on 12/23/2007
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December 23, 2007
Everybody knows that Ohio State and Michigan don't like each other very much, but what if a game caused a shooting war that resulted in hundreds of thousands of displaced refugees and thousands of people being hacked to death by axes and swords or lined up and machine-gunned by firing squads?Never happen, you say, and you're probably right. Internecine slaughter between Americans is unheard of (except for the Civil War ha-ha!). But what about a dirt-poor region of the world where the population is in cutthroat competition for a postage stamp-sized piece of arable terrain on which to grow a few beans or stalks of corn, where people, squeezed out by a medieval landowning oligarchy of soulless latifundistas backed up by a heartless military, are pitched against each other in a pressure cooker atmosphere of Darwinian survival of the fittest?As my friend Keeper has aptly pointed out, national rivalries are sometimes translated onto the soccer pitch, where matches are frequently surrogated for national or ethnic hostilities. But sometimes a playing field is not a large enough arena to contain the antagonisms or even hatreds that lie not very far beneath the thin skin of nation states. Witness the riots that have plagued English soccer since the Elizabethan age, which continue to terrorize Europe even unto this "civilized" era. There is evil in the hearts of men (and surely in women as well) that cannot be subsumed on the fields of athletic competition.The monstrous reality is that we are not long descended from the apes in the trees and any pretext for barbarity is a welcome diversion from the narrow parameters of civilized behavior. The tools of athletic competition certainly play their part, which explains the brisk trade in baseball bats in countries that have never seen a baseball.This monstrous rule-of-thumb has one of its most lamentable examples in the ugly little war that broke out between the Central American republics of El Salvador and Honduras in 1969, ostensibly as a result of an elimination series between those two countries for the honor of advancing to the 1970 World Cup tournament in Mexico City.Maybe if the World Cup had been scheduled for Australia or Italy instead of the apex of Latin American civilization the competitive pressure on the two teams might not have been so pronounced. As the undisputed capital of Latin American cultural, political, artistic and intellectual life, Mexico City holds an irresistible allure for all the nations from the Río Grande to the barren wastes of Tierra del Fuego, and playing the World Cup there was certainly the Holy Grail of every country's sporting imagination. But even barring that, El Salvador and Honduras already had a plateful of contentious issues to dispute.By far the biggest was the agricultural terrain of Honduras, a large portion of which had been invaded and populated over succeeding generations by waves of Salvadoran immigrants who had been squeezed out of that region's most densely populated country by a lack of land to farm because of the inequitable distribution which favored the large landowners.This insalubrious conjuncture of unfortunate pressures was destined to percolate down to the pitch. The series was a best of three games with the first to be played in Tegucigalpa, the Honduran capital, where disturbances broke out, but the situation worsened considerably at the second game in San Salvador. Honduran fans were beat up, the Honduran flag and national anthem were insulted and the emotions of both nations became considerably agitated. As a result, actions against Salvadoran citizens in Honduras became increasingly more violent and a large number of Salvadorans were brutalized or killed. Tens of thousands of Salvadorans resident in Honduras were forced to flee the country with no possessions.As might be imagined, the press of both countries, controlled by the oligarchies and happy to distract attention from the usual litany of normal miseries, whipped the populace into a murderous frenzy. Groups of Hondurans armed with machetes stormed into areas populated by Salvadorans and butchered hapless bystanders. The Salvadoran air force staged bombing raids and a Salvadoran armored column fought its way into the Honduran capital. Thousands died and thousands more were wounded and maimed until, after four days of barbaric butchery, the OAS was able to negotiate a ceasefire and the withdrawal of Salvadoran forces from Honduran territory.El Salvador won the third and decisive playoff game, which had to be played on Mexican territory, and went on to play in the World Cup in Mexico City the following year, where they were eliminated after losing to Mexico and the Soviet Union in the group stage. Brazil won the World Cup after beating Italy 4-1 at Azteca Stadium, and Pelé won the Outstanding Player Medal.It really happened!DON'T FORGET MY WEB SITE FOR MORE MISERY: www.200motels.net
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Posted on 12/23/2007
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December 21, 2007
Correct me if I’m wrong, OK?
I was reading about the New York Rangers hockey team at the same time that I had the TV on for background noise, and I sort of heard an item on Chris Matthews’ “Hardball” program about Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, wherein he had claimed that his father, whom I assume to be former Senator George Romney, had marched in the civil rights demonstrations of the 1960s.
When pressed by reporters as to the veracity of that statement, Romney had backpedaled, allowing as how it wasn’t strictly true, but was sort of history as he had wished it would be, more or less as an expression of sentiment to demonstrate his solidarity with the aspirations of African-Americans.
What’s wrong with this picture, where a candidate baldly distorts the facts to fit a reality that he would like to wish into existence and expecting the world to indulge him? Romney is right now being attacked for adhering to a blatantly racist sect, the Mormons, so he is inventing facts as he goes along and expecting the material world to fall into line, as it always has before in his experience, with his illusory revision of reality.
French writer André Malraux once asked a Catholic priest what he had learned from a lifetime of hearing confessions.The priest immediately told him, “There is no such thing as an adult person.” That considered opinion seems to have a fundamentally substantial basis in fact. People’s motivations are engraved in stone at a very tender age, and then they use whatever knowledge and sophistication they acquire to advance their childish agenda. And they expect to be humored and indulged the same way their parents indulged them.
This infantile psychology has long reigned supreme in human civilization, with Chinese emperors commanding the manufacture of whole armies of life sized toy soldiers to be buried with them in their immense mausoleums; Egyptian pharaohs obliterating the names of their predecessors on the façades of gigantic monuments and replacing them with their own; the barbaric wars of the indigenous Maya which culminated in grotesque ceremonies of torture and dismemberment of prisoners consecrated by elaborately costumed priests as affairs of state. The whole history of humanity can essentially be interpreted as a long line of childish fantasies run monstrously amok with horrifying consequences for all concerned.
This theory of grown idiots subsuming humanity to their infantile illusions has never been more evidently showcased than in twenty-first century America, where a high-ranking administration official boldly proclaimed to an observer, “We are an empire. Reality is whatever we say it is.”
Whoa, baby, you better be sure you can ride that horse! The material environment has changed faster than our people’s puerile tendencies have been able to adapt. Electronic impulses traveling around the world and bouncing off satellites at the speed of light right into peoples’ homes have made instantaneous fact checking the order of the day, turning over rocks to expose the creepy-crawlies that inhabit people’s psyches. There was a time when Rudolph Giuliani’s cross-dressing proclivities could be hidden from public view, making him appear to be a rational public figure for purposes of public life; where he could pose as the hero of a disaster instead of a neurotic, manipulative control freak struggling to appear to be the master of a runaway situation instead of one of its hapless bystanders, but that era has passed!
There was a time when a spoiled jerk like George W. Bush could mobilize the enormous resources of a global behemoth for the senseless invasion of a whole region of the world for no other reason than to appease a childish impulse and rationalize it by stating that he was privy to information that nobody else had, but the lie has been put to that piece of phony posturing as well. There was a time when his short-pants attorney general could conduct a political purge of the Justice Department reminiscent of a totalitarian dictatorship with the public being none the wiser, but now the facts come to light even as the process is still in train.
I read a scientific report theorizing that the process of human evolution is accelerating to keep up with the changes in the physical environment. The sixty-four dollar question is whether that evolution will take place in time to stop the Romneys, Bushes and Giulianis from deciding that the game of openness has gone far enough and pulling the plug on the sources of information in order to maintain themselves in control, as in China.
The Europeans, for all their faults, seem inclined more toward openness and transparency. They have announced a complete elimination of all border controls within the 25 countries that comprise the European Union. With a maturity that comes from historical experience, the Europeans seem to be betting that liberal freedoms offer the best chance for obtaining material prosperity and cultural satisfaction. I salute Europe for distancing itself ever further from the ball of confusion we are living through over here.
The last great religious enlightenment occurred in the seventh century of the current era, with the advent of Islam, which encompassed all the world’s knowledge and wisdom up to that date, including the prophets of Judaism and Christianity. One wonders whether the world might not be soon be ready for the emergence of another era of enlightenment based on the accumulated wisdom of the ages that have occurred since that epoch.
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Posted on 12/21/2007
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December 18, 2007
You have to stand up for what you believe in, or what's the point of living in America? My opinions are always getting me in trouble because I'm comfortable finding my sources in places that are off the beaten track or that are out of fashion.A couple of weeks ago, while I was cruising my favorite web site, Fan Nation, for the latest sports updates and opinion, I ran across a blog which had nothing about sports. It was a compendium of the world's greatest rock guitarists. Hendrix came in first and then Jimmy Page blah blah blah.So me, like a schmuck, I decided to contribute my two cents. I wrote, "What about Frank Zappa?" Because aside from all his other monster talents, Zappa could play the guitar like a screaming banshee from hell.Well, the guy came back at me like a hammer. "Zappa, ugh! Get over it!" he wrote.I responded to him something along the lines of "You don't know dick about rock n' roll," and I let it go at that.So, yesterday while I was perusing my favorite piece of tabloid fish wrapping, The New York Post, I came across a feature about Paul Green, whose school for teaching little kids how to play rock n' roll was the inspiration for the hit movie "School Of Rock," starring Jack Black. When they asked Green "What are your favorite bands to use for class?" this is what he had to say:
"Frank Zappa is a very good teaching tool. It's kind of a one-stop shop for different ideas. Within that band is funk and jazz and rock and reggae, and the modes and odd-time signatures. Plus lots of different kinds of singing. It's pretty much 95 percent of everything [the kids] will need to know."
This is the professor talking, not me. Zappa was a wide-open compendium of rock culture, encompassing every kind of genre from garage band to the ultra-sophisticated neo-classical symphonic orchestrations of Edgar Varèse, with the electronic effects of Karlheinz Stockhausen thrown in. His symphony, "200 Motels," managed to incorporate such disparate elements as symphonic strings and knee-slapping hick cowboy music.Zappa was also an incomparable comedy writer. His lyrics and on-stage comedy antics were the rock equivalent of The Three Stooges and The Marx Brothers combined. For readers inclined to bend their minds a little, I recommend "Frank Zappa Live At The Fillmore East," which recounts the struggle of a traveling rock band to introduce a live shark into the nether regions of a bunch of groupies. For virtuoso guitar funk, you needn't travel any farther than the album "Hot Rats," recorded forty years ago, which will definitely shut down any debate about who is the greatest rock guitar player of all time.Zappa was acutely affected by the political hypocrisy and Republican double-dealing of the Vietnam war and Watergate, and his hostility to Republicans eventually landed him in bad trouble with the Reagan administration, which he lampooned mercilessly in his stage act. He considered the Republicans to be no better than bottom-feeding swamp things, and the vindictive revenge of succeeding Republican administrations effectively excised him from the American culture of succeeding generations, which explains the hostility directed towards him by my Fan Nation interlocutor.But when all these Republican creeps are gone and forgotten, Frank Zappa's genius will ensure him a place of prominence in our classical heritage. ZAPPA FOREVER!
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Posted on 12/18/2007
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December 17, 2007
Don’t tell me that American presidential politics has not entered The Twilight Zone. Forget the evaporating dollar, the bank crisis, the Iraq war! The real issues that concern Americans are now floating to the surface.
I have long maintained that Americans are behaving like imbeciles because environmental degradation is causing them to suffer genetic breakage. But having failed to discover any corroborative evidence to substantiate that assertion, I am forced to confront the possibility that they are just a bunch of incoherent boobs.
The presidential candidates seem to be adhering to H.L. Mencken’s truism that “nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the American public.” Only they seem to be applying that immortal adage for purposes of universal suffrage.
This landscape of electoral mirth is so rich in detail that it is hard to divine where to start excavating. Hillary Clinton is a rich load of nonsense. In between leaking nasty digs at Barack Obama, she found time to invoke alien invaders. Citing the extraterrestrial invasion portrayed in the film “Independence Day,” she exhorted voters at one campaign stop to “unite on behalf of our planet.”
Even Richard Nixon, who was a past master at setting up a phony issue and then knocking it down, would have saluted this little piece of stellar sophistry had he survived to witness it.Giuliani, no slouch himself (remember his campaign to shut down the Brooklyn Museum over a painting of “The Black Madonna” executed in elephant dung, in a bid to rally blue-collar support for his anticipated 2000 senate run against Clinton?) has never pointed his nasty little snout toward the celestial constellations either. No, for an inspired bit of rubbish like that, it takes a real visionary.
Now, I was born in this country, so I am a U.S. citizen by birthright, but my mother confessed to me on her deathbed that I was conceived in a spaceship hovering in the sky above Roswell, NM, to which she had been transported after having been abducted while motoring between Albuquerque and Truth Or Consequences.
That explains why I can see through walls and fly. But no matter, the point is that as an Alien-American I resent being singled out as a scapegoat in order to get votes. Oh sure, take it from me, there are a lot of evil aliens who would like to suck up all our water and eat all the earth’s human inhabitants, but most of us are honest, tax paying citizens who just happen to prefer drinking beer through our noses. It takes all kinds, right?
But bad as she is, Clinton is not capable of the kind of buffoonery manifested by her Republican counterparts, who have an even more bizarre voter base of lunatics to whom they must pander. After apologizing to Mitt Romney for the seventeenth time, this time for saying that Mormon Church doctrine teaches that Jesus and Satan were brothers, Mike Huckabee qualified that pronouncement. What he really meant to say was that they were only half-brothers, having been born of different mothers. Romney, in the meantime, broke down and wept recounting the immense joy and relief he felt in 1978, when church doctrine was changed to permit black men to become Mormon priests.
Whom would a ruling like this affect? Maybe one guy, because if I recall correctly, Mormon theology used to condemn black people as the direct descendants of the evil Cain, who murdered his brother with a club. I remember many years ago having breakfast in a diner in Salt Lake City on Easter morning. The place happened to be situated right across the street from the immense Mormon Tabernacle, and I had the good fortune to be there just when the service let out and the beautiful, blonde, beatific elite of the Mormon community streamed out into the sunlight, framed by the magnificent church and surrounding snow-capped mountains, and not a black face among them.
But no matter. At least I resisted the temptation to refer to these eminent Republicans as Mutt Romney and Mike Schmuckabee!
This year the African-Americans have their own champion in the electoral war, mounted on an ebony charger to do combat for progressive causes. Barack Obama represents not only people of color and the Rainbow Coalition, but, politics being what it is, he’s also charging forward with the blessing of the large corporate interests who normally fund Republican candidates. After eight years of blundering Republican misrule which resulted in our currency becoming the laughing stock of the world (The New York Times recounted an anecdote of an American woman in Morocco offering a dollar to a beggar who scornfully declined it as being worthless and asked for some “real money”. Ouch, when mendicants in the Kasbah throw your money in your face, that hurts!), the corporate interests have hedged their bets and are supporting Obama in the hope of derailing Clinton. How else to explain the enthusiastic coverage being given him by such phalangist organs as The New York Post and The New York Sun?
Obama, who began his campaign in a positive tenor with the realistic goal of increasing his stature so that he could hopefully cash in at a later date, has of late become aggressively insulting and nasty to Clinton, egged on, surely, by the false advice of his handlers, who are undoubtedly benefiting from corporate largess for their part in this Shakespearean drama reminiscent of Othello. They are telling him that he actually stands a realistic chance of winning the nomination. What he is actually doing is driving a wedge in the Democratic coalition of blacks and liberal whites.
Obama reminds me of the old boxing story of Depression-era Italian fighter Primo Carnera, who was a mountain of a man but totally unskilled as a boxer. He was brought over to this country and matched against opponents who were paid to take a fall. Sports writers were paid to promote Carnera as unbeatable. After enough pressure had built up, his handlers set up a match between him and Max Baer, who was a mad dog, who had already killed two men in the ring.
This time they didn’t pay Baer to lose, but instead bet the farm on him. Naturally, he demolished their tomato can, making everybody rich except Carnera, who hadn’t been let in on the gag. Pretty funny!
Is Barack Obama the new Tomato Can of politics? Is he a Trojan Horse set up to be knocked down, the same way Hillary Clinton set up me and all the other space aliens living peaceably in this great nation? Let the American voters in their infinite collective wisdom decide.
Don’t ask me. I don’t know any more than any other extraterrestrial freak trying to survive in New York. I live by the doctrine enunciated by Hillary Clinton’s future ex-husband, Whatsisname. Only I changed it. Now it’s called Don’t Ask/Don’t Know.
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Posted on 12/17/2007
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December 16, 2007
I don't care what anybody says, the Jets played an outstanding game. Ultimately, it's only a game. When Clemens got sacked and had to leave the game Chad Pennington forgot all his disappointments and frustrations and showed a lot of technical precision and spirit.You can do everything right in this life and still fall victim of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, as every living person is acutely aware. Jets fans suffered two major heartbreaks. First Clemens getting dumped and intercepted for a Pats touchdown, and later for a perfectly good touchdown reception which was ruled out-of-bounds by a crooked referee decision. Sorry, but Belichick is not an honest sportsman and he is totally capable of greasing the refs. All it takes is one or two corrupt calls to break up a team's forward momentum.Tom Brady had the benefit of superb blocking in order to relax and pick his shots with poise. Considering the driving frozen rain and wind, he stayed close to the ground, playing for inches and yards. You can't take it away from him. Despite playing his weakest performance of the season, he played with intelligence and poise, helped by superb rushing and defense.Bad as the weather was, it wasn't anywhere near the Siberian conditions endured in the Cleveland-Buffalo contest. It's easy to criticize when you're sitting in a nice, warm bar surrounded by beer and food. Nevertheless, if I were pulling down the kind of loot that these dudes are, I'd be out there freezing too.Belichick displayed his usual charming personality with his peremptory handshake, if that's what you can call it, with Mangini after the game. He could have saved himself and the rest of us the trouble. Seeing Belichick on TV is worse than a horror movie. He should be made to wear a paper bag over his head, or maybe a plastic one (just kidding).I hate to reduce such a talented team as the Patriots with outstanding players like Brady, Maroney, Wilson and Seymour, to an imbecilic swine like Belichick, but his is the face of the team. He is only equaled in his barbarity by the Neanderthal nature of the Boston fans, who stopped the game at one point by throwing huge, potentially lethal chunks of ice onto the field from the stands. At least I think that was ice. Maybe they were throwing asterisks ha-ha!The great novelist of cowboy stories, Louis L'Amour, once pointed out that this great nation was not only constructed by virtuous people, but also by notable villains. Bill Belicheck is a classic, living illustration of that unfortunate axiom.
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December 14, 2007
Now we know why Roger Clemens is called "The Rocket", because he's so hopped up on the juice that he's shooting flames out of his butt. The surprise is that he would need help injecting it into his backside, which is so big that it's hard to believe he needed help in hitting it with the needle.The guy who claims he shot up Clemens in the butt, Brian McNamee, is a former New York City Police officer. He probably knows a lot about guys' butts from all the strip-searches. Next time you get arrested and told to bend over, you might just end up with a million dollar contract to pitch for the Yankees.The thing to remember is that Mitchell's sources, McNamee and Kirk Radomski, are themselves under threat of indictment and will give up anybody to stay out of jail. I'm surprised that they didn't name Cory Lidle, who flew his plane into a Manhattan apartment building, as an Al-Qaeda sleeper cell.Both McNamee and Radomski hail from Long Island, which is wiseguy heaven. The hoods from Long Island make Tony Soprano and his posse look like choirboys. Anything they say stinks. There is a very good possibility that they fed a college boy like George Mitchell a bill of goods to get themselves off the hook."Yeah, I injected George Bush with steroids. That's why he talks so stupid and his eyes bug out."Maybe it's true about Mets pitcher Paul Lo Duca. In between playing catcher, he certainly had enough energy to stud half the women on Long Island and Philadelphia. To keep up a sex life like that you probably need hormone injections. Unfortunately, the guy can't hit. Maybe he would have had a better shot if the ball had had hair on it.But now they're saying Clemens threw the bat at Mike Piazza because he was hopped on the juice. I don't believe that. I believe it's because he didn't like the color of the dress Piazza was wearing at bat (remember, Mets manager Bobby Valentine kept insisting Piazza was gay. Piazza got so pissed-off that he put on his dress and left).Seriously, anybody who believes anything that comes out of the mouths of a couple of mobbed-up knuckleheads from Long Island is barking up the wrong tree. Maybe we should get Michael Vick released from jail to put these sportswriting mutts out of their misery.
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December 14, 2007
First of all, let's lay off Marion Jones and Barry Bonds. The unpleasant truth is that too many black athletes have a triumphalist, in-your-face style that rubs the public the wrong way and lands them in the soup. But that ain't a hanging offense.As for Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite, Paul Lo Duca, Jason Giambi, etc. etc. etc., while all this was going on they went to ground like earthworms and waited for the storm to pass over. But now they are caught up too.As the Bible says, "Let he who is without sin throw out the first ball." Blah blah blah.The line for asterisks forms to the right. Baseball, asterisk. Football, asterisk. Soccer, asterisk. Bicycle racing, asterisk. Olympics, asterisk.George W. Bush, asterisk. He stole the election. NASA, asterisk. The astronauts fly up into space dead drunk and when they get back down to earth they plot to kidnap and murder each other.Democrats, asterisk. With all the mess we got in this country, they're arguing, "She's too old" and "He smokes pot."Republicans, asterisk. When they're not arguing whose God is the right one, they're playing footsie in public toilets.Hollywood, fuggedaboudit!
Here's an asterisk. Wear it with pride, sucker!
The human race needs to get off this moralistic kick of finger-pointing and getting one-up on each other. Maybe we need to accept the realities of modern life. We need some philosophical underpinning to guide us through the contradictions of modern society, but nobody knows enough to put together a coherent package of values.In the meantime, let's try to guide ourselves by the immortal words of our one living prophet, Rodney King: "Why can't we just all get along?"
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December 13, 2007
Twas the week before Christmas
And all through New York
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a jork
All the people in town
Were glued to the tube
To see how many ways
The Knicks could lose[Knicks owner James Dolan is strolling through the underground garage to his limo. He runs into Tiny Stephon Marbury, the Knicks mascot]Marbury - Please sir, may I have some more?Dol |