We don't need any more pencil neck dorks running our lives.  Hillary Clinton's body looks like a sack of Idaho potatoes, and all she's really got to run on is her future ex-husband, Whatsisname.

Barack Obama, if I need to hear advice from a short pants kindergarten kid with jug ears, I'll send you a telegram.

John Edwards looks like a Barbie Doll with that freakin haircut.

Oh, the Republicans!  These guys say that if your kid gets sick, just waterboard him.  You got Mutt Romney, who announced that he was pleased that the whole country hates the Yankees.  He insists that under his religion Jesus and Satan are not brothers.  No - they're half-brothers, having been born of different mothers (who was Satan's mother, Lindsay Lohan?)

Rudolph Giuliani buys his dresses in the same store where Oscar De La Hoya gets his panties.

Mike Schmuckabee appears on TV in front of a shining cross like "The Exorcist" and then insists it's not a cross, it's a bookshelf.  What am I, an idiot?  If I appear on TV with Hugo Chavez' face in the background and then tell you it's a cloud formation, are you gonna buy that?

The fact of the matter is that this country is a secular western democracy which has always been composed of many ethnic and religious groups.  That's how the constitution was written, to reflect that reality.  We don't need a candidate to shove his religion down the rest of our throats, or we will end up with the Spanish Inquisition.

Fan Nation is a sports blog.  We should be supporting a candidate who reflects our conviction that sport represents a superior value system for people's lives, and the present embodiment of that ethic is represented by only one person, Arnold Schwartznegger.

He's not a Republican and he's not a Democrat.  He never ran in a bogus primary campaign and he never told a bunch of lies about phony values.  He IS his values, a huge muscular athlete who was six times Mr. Olympia, Mr. Universe and I don't know what-all else.

His whole life has been in the gym pumping iron.  He dated beautiful girls and he never wore a dress.  He married a Kennedy woman and made millions as a movie star and worldwide sex symbol action hero.  Unlike Ronald freakin Reagan, Schwartznegger really is a tough guy.  And unlike Reagan, he's got brains!

When the Democrats and Republicans in California were arguing like cats and dogs, Ol' Arnie just kicked in the door to the governor's mansion and installed himself in the big chair with a cigar, just like a Terminator movie, only it was real life.  Just to prove it wasn't a fluke, he got re-elected, and he can get re-elected again if he wants to.

New York mayor Michael Bloomberg is getting ready to run for president on an independent platform (what's he gonna do, go on TV in front of a shining Star of David and later claim that it was a hopscotch graffiti?) and he's trying to enlist Schwartznegger to get onboard as his running mate.

This scenario has got the Clinton campaign rooted in fear, and I say "Right On!"  Go for it, Arnie!  And once you get the second slot, we can see about amending the constitution so that you can eventually get to the top, just like a freakin movie!

A new broom sweeps clean, and after the mess we presently have, with Bush and all those other lame stiffs, America needs a new second act.


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