FLYING RATS

Political Correctness has a new class of victims to protect – pigeons! Urban Wildlife Coalition founder Johana Clearfield wrote a letter to City Council speaker Christine Quinn, castigating her for referring to the little darlings as “flying rats.”

Hey, pigeons got feelings too. But like every other New Yorker, they don’t mind dishing it out. They don’t mind defecating all over the place, including on your head. They don’t mind infesting people’s balconies and driving them to drink. They don’t mind flying or creeping into food processing areas and contaminating victuals.

That’s what they are, rats. They spread filth and disease, the same as rats. New York pigeons are worse than rats because, unlike rats, they’re not intimidated by people. They’ll fly right into your head. They’ll fly into airplane engines and cause planes to crash. If you leave your window open, they’ll fly right into your house looking for food.

Pigeons are nauseating, filthy, disgusting creatures that eat garbage and contaminate the environment.I have a lot of pigeon experience. When I was a manager at P&K Bagels (“A Puke In Every Bite”) one of my jobs was to keep freakin’ pigeons from flying in through the loading dock and shitting all over the bagels in the packing area, I kid you not. On the ground I had to worry about the rats and roaches, and in the air I had to worry about the flies and the pigeons.

Nothing could deter the pigeons. They are really smart when it comes to food, and a bakery, with all its grains and seeds, is a pigeon’s target of preference. The little buggers used to roost on trucks in the street and wait for something to happen. In the process of unloading pallets of baking materials from delivery trucks, the forklift drivers would inevitably cause a bag to rip, spilling sesame or poppy seeds all over the street, which the pigeons would zoom in on.

The morning was the best time for the pigeons because that was when the garbage trucks came to pick up tons of the unbelievably rancid bakery waste that is necessarily a by-product of the industrial baking process. Hundreds of garbage bags of corn meal, vegetable oil mixed with filthy bagel fragments that had fallen through the conveyor, huge fermented clumps of rotten dough oozing grease, flour swept up from the floor, petrified pieces of bread dislodged from in between the moving parts of the machinery, crates of product that had been soaked by leaking pipes in the walk-in freezer and then left to re-freeze all over again, the whole mess dislodged at great effort with axes and crowbars and torn out of the caked ice by use of a mechanically powered jack, the whole stinking mess being loaded into two yard dumpsters and picked up at dawn in a not-too-delicate process that left the street in front of the factory with a gooey film of filth looking like a huge diseased carcass that the vultures had abandoned to the smaller scavengers. The pigeons, just waking up, would dig into this mess with the gusto of a Hollywood cocktail party, and this was the scene that confronted me as I arrived to begin my day.

I would organize a clean-up crew and have the place in order in an hour’s time, before the city inspectors came around.The pigeons, meanwhile, would retreat to the tops of parked trucks to await another target of opportunity. This wasn’t a flock of birds, it was a gang. If the loading dock was left unattended, a line of them would stealthily creep in. When they were approached, they would casually stroll back out and go back to the truck to bide their time.

This cat-and-mouse went on incessantly, eternally. As long as the bakery was there, the pigeons would be there. One time I bought an ultrasonic device on the Internet for $500 that was guaranteed to drive the pigeons nuts. After I had built a little shelf for it and installed it at the front of the loading dock, I walked away. When I returned later, the thing was humming away – with a pigeon sitting atop it!

Nothing stops these birds, not machines, not inflatable owls or scarecrows. The only thing that works is to pay a Mexican to chase them with a broom all day long, like vegetable stores pay guys to watch the fruit displayed outside.

The most horrible thing is to see somebody actually feeding the little buggers. Crowds of them eating and defecating and feathers flying all over the place, and some retard giving them food.Yuck!A monetary fine is too good for these weirdos. They ought to be made to live in a cage with the vermin, but that would be cruel and unusual punishment, because these birds spread encephalitis.

Feeding them birth control sounds like a good solution. Anyway a lot of those birds are perverts. One time I was watching a pigeon on top of another pigeon, doing the nasty thing. After they finished, to my absolute astonishment, the pigeon that had been on the bottom jumped on the one that had been on top and started doing it to him! A third pigeon, who had been watching the scene along with me, became offended and walked over and broke the whole thing up.

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Posted on 11/18/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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