GOOD MORNING!

This lady told me, “Anybody who says ‘good morning’ is not a real New Yorker.

I’ll drink to that.This ‘good morning’, Happy Face garbage is rotting my mind. Give me a good-natured grouch anytime! New Yorkers these days are expected to walk around mellowed-out on Prozac, smiling like freakin’ bobble heads.

Under the old New York rules you had an absolute duty to ignore other people because anybody who spoke to strangers was a nut-job and a criminal who meant to do you harm.

Now, with Political Correctness, you’re obliged to defer to any weirdo who elects to waste your time like he was royalty or the pope.

I have never even gotten to know any of my neighbors. Neighbors are evil things. They spy on you and keep tabs on you like secret police. They rat you out to the cops and talk about you to the newspapers. My girlfriend, Magpie, who believes in smiling, saying hello to people who don’t count for shit and being a good neighbor, lives in mortal fear that the neighbors will figure out that all the liquor bottles we throw out belong to us and start to gossip that we are alcoholics (hic!).

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This whole trend of neighborliness goes back to that prick Giuliani, who was determined to make New York into a sanitized Disneyland so that people from the suburbs would be happy. So now they’re happy and New Yorkers are miserable. Giuliani reduced crime and murder, and that’s good, but he tried to shut down the Brooklyn Museum because his white bread sensibilities were offended by the modern art, and he was determined to remold the city in the image of a working-class, ethnic suburban rube, which is what he is.

How Giuliani has gotten as far as he has is beyond my comprehension, except for an axiom developed by political analyst H.L. Mencken that “Nobody ever lost money underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”

Anyway, the closer we get to election day, the more clearly the map of Giuliani’s little world will come clear, revealing him to be a hybrid orchid consisting of one part J. Edgar Hoover, one part Larry Craig with a few dashes of Bernard Kerik, Jeanine Pirro, The Vagina Monologues and Judith Regan thrown in for garish display. If Rudolph Giuliani is an example of the clear-headedness of drug-free America, pass me that joint over here!

But I salute that lady in Long Island who, when somebody who happened to be bicycling through her neighborhood smiled at her and told her “Good Morning!” assaulted him with a rake, pistol-whipped him with a gun she happened to be carrying and ran over him with her SUV. I say, right on lady! We have to get back to get back to traditional values.

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Posted on 11/15/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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