THE RIGHT STUFF

The governor of California is a magnificent specimen of humanity.  Even ancient Greece never saw anybody like him, because the ancient Greeks never had the kind of drugs we got.  Let's be real.  The Governator is a walking cornucopia of pharmaceutical splendor.  You don't get that big by being natural.  I've been working out all my life and I still look like a fruit because I've been afraid to take steroids and end up with my legs amputated or permanently hooked to a dialysis machine.

Anyway, I like to smoke pot, which never killed anybody.  The governor, who also loves to get high, bless him, got it right when he said pot is not a drug, it's a leaf.  Arnold has been smoking it all his life and it never prevented him from being six times Mr. Olympia, having a fantastic show business career, making millions of bucks and literally stealing the office of Governor of California from under the noses of the establishment politicians!  Whatever he's smoking, I want some of it.  That reefer is so fine it's got him twisted into believing he's a Republican.  Yeah, right!  Arnold's never even seen a freakin' Republican.  Where, in LA?  Don't make me laugh.

Arnold has a comic book concept of Republicans.  He relates to the part about making money, like any normal person, but if you put him in a room with some real Republicans, paranoid moralistic pricks, he would break through the wall like a movie just to get out of there!

Not that you don't have plenty of tedious, sanctimonious blue state pricks.  New Yorkers are so boring they should be made to wear a bag over their heads.  A plastic one.  And not just because of their crummy personalities.  They're homely too.  Take Rudolph Giuliani who's getting uglier every day.  He was always very boring and plain, but now he's moving into negative territory.  There's no law that says you have to get uglier as you get older, especially in these times of advanced training and cosmetic enhancement techniques, but you have to have something to start with.  It's rare that the last horse out of the gate goes on to win the race.  In order to age gracefully you have to have fitness and intelligence.  An older face betrays intelligence or stupidity and Giuliani, sorry to say, inclines toward the latter quality.

But if you look at New York politicians, from a standpoint of physical qualities they're all dogs.  Bloomberg, Spitzer, Clinton, Schumer, D'Amato, Pataki blah blah blah.  All dogs.  Nobody with a decent appearance can even get elected in New York.  The prerequisite is that you have to be ugly.  Look at Rep. Gerald Nadler, who is a walking crime against humanity.  My district used to be represented in the state senate by an incredibly obese porker named Fatso Putzo (I don't want to use her real name).  She was a real porker.  Her specialty was, big surprise, nutrition.  One time she set up a booth by the 86th Street subway station giving away cups of coffee with the slogan "Wake up and smell the coffee."  Even her freakin' campaign was about food!  I refused to speak to her.  You want to impress me?  Put on some sneakers and run around the block, you dork!

A muscular appearance in New York is considered a liability.  It means you're an airhead.  The way New Yorkers see it, if you are spending too much time on external appearances you're not a deep thinker.  Like, if you're a bodybuilder you're not smart enough to become a structured finance accountant capable of inventing collateralized debt obligations that push the economy over the brink of disaster.

Maybe it's time to give the idiots (of whom I proudly count myself one) a chance.  I would issue a collateralized butt obligation backed up by women's backsides.

Here you got great social deep thinkers like Bill O'Reilly advising show business artists that they're not qualified to state a coherent political opinion, and in the meantime he doesn't have the talent to tune a guitar.  O'Reilly was shocked to see black people eating with knives and forks in a restaurant like normal people.  Who elected this schmuck?

These idiots make fun of California because the people in California go out in the sunshine, believe in good looks and don't go around in black clothes in the middle of August.  As for being dummies, they got more money than we do here.  They also have more athletes, artists and writers.  I should have gone out there too, but I don't want to let driving interfere with my drinking.

New York governor Eliot Spitzer could never get elected in California because he is a loudmouth, pencil-necked stiff.  Schwartznegger would feed him for a snack to the school of piranha fish that he keeps in the swimming pool of the governor's mansion in Sacramento.

But I don't want to stray too far from the reefer.  When Arnold came out in favor of the reefer it made me love him even more.  This country has got to get back to its old values, and I mean the really old ones, like from 10,000 years ago, when the Indians used to smoke locoweed.  You don't hear about any Indians declaring War on Drugs.  I like to smoke pot and work out.  It's inspirational.  When the Knicks used to smoke it they used to win games.  Now they brought in the drug testing and they're in the toilet.  The Dolan family should fly in a few tons of weed and distribute it to all the players.  They should give some to the fans too.  That would sure improve my team spirit!

Look how the New York media jumped all over Arnie for saying pot was good for you, calling him loser and a whole lot of dirty names!  Meantime they swallowed Bush's lame garbage about the Iraq war hook line and sinker, and now that they're shown up to be idiots they're crying "How could the president lie to us?"  Wotta bunch of freakin' morons!

Out in California they long ago approved a referendum to legalize pot (in the east here they don't like to talk about that).  You can go to the doctor and tell him you got a hangnail or hemorrhoids and get a prescription for some pot which you take to a licensed marijuana store and buy some Maui Wowee.  Now, that's what I call service!  No more furtive street corner deals to buy catnip cut with oregano, just walk up to the counter like a solid citizen and declare, "Gimme a half ounce of Thai sticks and a couple of those blunts that I saw the governor smoking on Larry King."

It's obvious that after 25 years of killing myself in the gym I still look like a dork because I haven't been smoking the right stuff.

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Posted on 10/31/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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