SOUL FOOD

Professional idiot and right-wing ideological commentator Bill O’Reilly, remarking on his recent dinner date with Al Sharpton at Sylvia’s Soul Food Restaurant in Harlem, noted that he was astonished that eating in a black-owned restaurant was the same as eating anywhere else.

“It was like going into a normal place where people were ordering and sitting there eating and having fun,” he said. "I thought it was going to be like the Mau-Mau rebellion, with machete-wielding savages running around screaming and falling over dead drunk!

“Actually, the people were sitting around and eating normally and eating with knives and forks, just like white folks. I couldn’t believe my eyes!

“At first I was scared shitless to go up to Harlem, but Al told me that since I was going to be with him the natives would leave me alone. What a relief!”

O’Reilly admits that he has lived a sheltered life. “I grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the 1960’s.There wasn’t a black face around for miles in any direction. The only black people we saw were rioters on television.

#00ffff; " color="#a52a2a">“I admit I’m a rube. I don’t know shit. Anybody who listens to anything I tell them are bigger idiots than I am.”

Nevertheless, O’Reilly admits to enjoying Sylvia’s soul food cuisine. “We had the Ritz Crackers with Cheez Whiz, KFC fried chicken with rat droppings and fried M&M’s with a chilled bottle of Ripple. The only problem I had with the meal was having to look at Al Sharpton’s face while I ate, which was like having to look at a rubber African mask.”

In an unrelated incident, Mayor Mike Bloomberg compared the Iraq war to the American Revolution, saying that the Americans were now playing the role of the British. When asked later why he employed that comparison, Bloomberg responded, “I had to. That’s all I know. What else am I going to compare it to, the campaigns of Alexander the Great? I don’t know shit about Alexander the Great or anything else. I know about business and making money. That’s how I got to be mayor – I bought it, and if I get elected president it’ll be the same thing.

“Making money is a great thing to know. Plenty of people wish they knew how to do it. After the losers and geeks who have been losing money for this country all these years, it would be a very salutary thing to have a president who knows how to make some for a change.

“But don’t expect any deep historical thinking or anything else like that from me.”



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Posted on 9/27/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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