TIP-TOE THROUGH THE TOILET

                                        TIP-TOE THROUGH THE TOILET

A One-Act Play in the Verse Style of “Cyrano de Bergerac”

Curtain Rises

Scene: Minneapolis International Airport Men’s Room

[Janitor with bucket and mop]

Every evening when the sun goes down

That’s when I make my working round

Jimmy Johnson is my name

Mopping toilets is my game

I better do my job before the boys arrive

If I want to escape this place alive

I have to split before those nuts

Start sticking things up each other’s butts

[Exits the stage]

Voice – Is he gone?

Voice – He already left.

Voice – Well-a one, two, three!

[Feet appear inside the toilet stalls and start dancing the soft shoe]

Voices – Let’s get down and do the toilet shuffle
Take it slow and don’t do no hustle
It’s time to do the Dancin’ Feet
In the toilet where the gay guys meet
Shuffle cool and shuffle neat size="4">
Hot dog’s what we like to eat
We must say it feels real fine
Packin’ fudge on the taxpayer’s dime

[First Head emerges from the toilet stall]

I’m Larry Craig from Idaho
Believe me, Bud, I like to blow
I’m just up here on vacation
From my regular spot at Union Station

[Second Head]

I’m Mark Foley The Pedophile Fool
I like my boys right out of school
My specialty is Congressional pages
But I’ll accept kids of all ages
I’m nice to kids I ain’t no meanie
I just like to suck a little weenie

[Third Head]

I’m Governor McGreevey The Gay American
I take it in the butt every chance I can
Sucking dick is what I love most
I blow guys from Coast-to-Coast

[Fourth Head]

Hi Folks, my name’s Barney Frank
I’m a nauseating skank
I got male hustlers shacked up in my home
My favorite dog food is Milk Bone

[All]

We’re a bunch of rancid pricks

We just live to suck men’s dicks

Hand-Jive in the toilet is our game

Because we are completely lame

We think we are ancient Greeks

But we are just disgusting freaks

Mark Foley – Hey, Barney!

Barney Frank – What?

Mark Foley – I love you because you are a gay guy

Every little thing you say and do

Your backside has a very special meaning

It’s kosher because you are a Jew

Whatever the other gay guys tell me

I know that you will always be true

I love you because you are a fatso

And noone can suck dick the way you do!

Barney Frank – Hey, Larry! How about a kiss?

Larry Craig – Well, OK.But let’s get something straight between us…

Barney Frank – Like a dick?

Larry Craig – Lissen, I am not gay, OK?I am not gay.But I’m not against suckin’ a little dick if it’s for a good cause.

Barney Frank – Like what?

Larry Craig – Like a Republican fundraiser for George Bush.Let me put it to you this way:

A dick in the ass may be très continental

But money is a senator’s best friend

You got to show me a handful of green stuff

If you want to stick it in my end

A campaign is very expensive to run

I don’t just go down on a guy just for fun

So if you are waiting for me to bend over

A check is what you have to send

Larry Craig – Mark, why don’t you tell us how it’s done in your neck of the woods?

Mark Foley – Well, when I want to get dicked up the ass down Florida way:

I go down to Miami to get fucked

On old Calle Ocho I quack like a duck

For Latin people the duck is man’s best friend

It signifies a guy who likes to take it in the end

And when the ducks fly down to Old Miami

And the gay guys dance in the street

The dicks taste so sweet

And they shake their culo to the Latin beat

Barney Frank – Wow!Let’s stop talking about it, and let’s do it!

Larry Craig – We can all fit in the Wheelchair Accessible toilet stall.

Jim McGreevey – Last one inside’s a rotten hemorrhoid!

[The boys rush in and lock the door]

“Bend over!”

“Stop blowing so hard.My nuts are flying off!”

“Give it to me harder!”

“Whoop-de-doo!”

[A squad of police enters the men’s room led by a plainclothes detective]

Detective – I’m Sergeant Plotz The Airport Dick

The mutherfuckers in this toilet are really sick

There’s little kids who use this place

My job is to see they don’t get a hot shot of jism in the face

Open the door you freaks and submit yourselves to custody

Voice Inside – Slip your badge under the door so we can see

Sergeant – You’re all under arrest for gross indecency

Get your clothes on and come with me

I’m taking you down to jail

And we’re gonna hold you until you make bail

[Arrestees exit from the toilet stall]

Larry Craig – I’m a senator and I demand special consideration

Sergeant – Sorry, Bud, you’re a deviant pervert charged with public masturbation and immoral solicitation

Larry Craig – This will ruin my electoral chances

Sergeant – You should have thought about that when you dropped your pantses.Let’s go!

[Curtain falls]

THE END

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Posted on 8/31/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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