THEY GOT GAMES!

It’s a beautiful day in Beijing. The sun is shining, the flowers are blooming and the birds in the trees are puking their guts out from the pollution. Next year at this time China will be hosting the Olympics, but there are still some minor details to be worked out – like breathing the air.

The Chinese government Minister of Sport, Hop Mye Butt, has stated that various elementary particles contained in the air around the Chinese capital may actually enhance athletic performance. “Lead and magnesium are vitamins which are necessary for producing strong bodies,” he said recently, “and arsenic may actually be good for you under certain conditions.”

If you believe that, we’d like to sell you a used bicycle.

While it says that short-duration events that do not require too much breathing would not be affected, the Chinese government has promised to mitigate the effects of pollution in long events like the marathon by providing the athletes with gas masks. If the pollution is too intense, the Ministry of Sport is also prepared to distribute night vision goggles so that the runners can see the track.

“The gas masks and night vision goggles notwithstanding, the 2008 Games will be a totally normal Olympics. We are building beautiful Olympic facilities. We even have American construction contractors to do the work,” said Mr. Hop, citing the firm of Capone, Gambino & Gotti, who participated in building the Minneapolis Bridge over the Mississippi River.

In addition to the regular competitions highlighted at normal Olympic games, Beijing has scheduled special events designed to accentuate the special Chinese nature of these games, such as the Shanghai rickshaw race, where skinny Chinese wearing pointy hats pull carriages bearing sweaty fat men wearing tropical white suits; a marathon swim across a lake filled with chemicals and green algae; and a bicycle race where deliverymen carrying bags of food on their handlebars navigate a crowded New York sidewalk.

The Olympic facility should be immaculately maintained, he added, citing the fact that China has an abundance of political prisoners and common criminals to keep the grounds well groomed. Mr. Hop has promised that the food served to the athletes will be subject to stringent safeguards to ensure purity and freshness. “We don’t plan to serve dog more than three times a week. Also, in order to respect ethnic sensibilities, we will not be serving food that offends dietary laws. For instance, we will not be feeding German shepherds to the Israeli athletes.

“In Beijing, when we serve you a hot dog at the Olympics, we won’t be kidding,” he concluded.


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Posted on 8/13/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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