CHUMPKING

In an effort to placate world opinion and restore confidence in its food and manufactured imports, China executed the former head of its Food and Drug Administration, Zhang Xiayou.

The method of execution was by forcing him to eat a plate of polluted catfish and then brush his teeth with contaminated toothpaste.

“It was distasteful to watch, but we wanted to demonstrate to the world that China is a civilized society,” said an official from the Ministry of Justice, Kung Fu Wonton. “Zheng confessed to taking bribes for allowing the manufacture and export of filthy food and poisonous medicines and he didn’t even share the swag with the rest of his revolutionary comrades.

“We considered executing him by firing squad, but since the rifles were Made In China we weren’t sure they would work.”

China carries out more executions than the rest of the world combined. The Bush administration is so impressed with that country’s speedy dispatch of convicted criminals that it has sent a team of observers there to research ways of streamlining the Texas judicial system. “If we can reduce the appeals process from fourteen years to two days it would sure cut down on court costs,” enthused one admiring attorney. “Not only that, but China executes criminals for a much wider range of offenses, like sticking chewing gum under the seats in movie theaters.

“Let’s face it, if you want to make egg foo yung you got to break a few eggs.”

China’s reputation as an exporting country has suffered recently, especially among dog lovers whose pets have died as a result of eating dog food laced with chemicals used to flush out engine blocks and alkaline drain cleaner.” “This misunderstanding is a result of a clash of cultures,” said the Justice Ministry official. “In our country if a beloved pet dies we light a joss stick to pacify his spirit and then we cook him up with some cardamom and sesame and eat him for supper.” As for human beings who might fall ill from ingesting shrimp raised in pools of irradiated petroleum by-product, he recommends washing it down with a heaping tablespoon of counterfeit Chinese Pepto-Bismol and listening to some soothing music from pirated compact disks played on tinny, imported stereo systems.

“Sometimes when people die, it’s not from the food at all, he opined. “Maybe it’s bad feng shui, which creates disharmony in the intestines when rancid scallops are eaten in a room facing a southern exposure. Maybe the person is suffering because he has done something to offend his ancestors.

“Look at it this way,” he explained, “for hundreds of years the round-eyed devils forced the Chinese to smoke opium and get hooked on drugs. Maybe all these nasty things you are eating is our way of repaying the favor!”

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Posted on 7/11/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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