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McDonald’s announced plans to fuel its delivery trucks from recycled vegetable oil, which will be converted into diesel fuel. Not to be outdone, Pinkberry announced that its trucks would henceforth be powered by frozen yogurt.

It turns out that I am acquainted with one of the doctors seized in the London bomb plot. I went to consult him about a hemorrhoid condition and he advised me to insert a stick of dynamite in my butt and light the fuse, which I tried. It didn’t have any effect on my hemorrhoids, but it sure cleared up my constipation.

I later ran into one of these doctors waiting in line to buy an iPhone. When I asked him why he needed such a complicated gadget, he said, “I hear they’re good for blowing up truck bombs.” I thought he was kidding.

I hope these guys are better doctors than they are terrorists. They’re going to need it to heal themselves after they get released into the general prison population. Generally, criminals are as patriotic as the rest of the population at large, and they’re not going to take kindly to a bunch of foreigners trying to blow up their relatives.

One of these doctors was already in trouble for medical malpractice. When he sewed up his patient after an operation they found out that he had left a Kalashnikov assault rifle and two hand grenades inside.

I don’t understand all the fuss about A-Rod’s wife showing up for a game at Yankee Stadium wearing a “Fuck You” tank top. It was in perfectly good taste as far as New York is concerned. In fact, she purchased the top at an exclusive designer boutique on the Upper East Side.

Despite all of Mayor Giuliani’s efforts to turn New York into a theme park for suburban nerds, “Have A Nice Day” and a smiley face still don’t cut it here. “Fuck You” with a rat holding a revolver is more appropriate for a city where the governor, Eliot Spitzer, can tell the opposition assembly leader, “I’m a fucking bulldozer and if you mess with me I’ll knock you down and you’ll never get up again!”

The offended opposition leader, Bruno, who is not from the city but from Open Butte County upstate, is himself under investigation for running a “consultant” business on the side and collecting large fees from companies doing business with the state. This guy, who has been robbing New York City blind for 20 years, complained, “Spitzer’s a bully!”

That’s New York, folks, and if you can’t take a little “Fuck You” with your morning coffee I suggest you move to a gentler clime, like Chicago, where Mayor Cermak was assassinated by a deranged lunatic who was actually aiming at the president, and Mayor Daley Sr used to maintain a punching bag in his office. “I hit it every day 100 times with my left hand, 100 times with my right hand and 100 times with both hands. Then I’m ready to do business with the city council,” he told columnist Mike Royko. Now, that’s class!

In fact, I think New York would go for a morning television show called, “Fuck You In The Morning,” where they would give note-writing lessons and fashion tips for robbing banks, and traffic conditions showing which sidewalks in Brooklyn are safe for avoiding curb-jumping SUV drivers.

In case you haven’t figured it out, yet, New Yorkers are not the most spiritual people. Nobody is advocating the forsaking of worldly possessions and spinning clothe from a wheel wearing your underpants like Mahatma Gandhi. Probably the most spiritual guy in New York is Mayor Bloomberg, who is so loaded that he’s choking on money and insists that he wants to give most of it away. Tell me where the line starts for some of that long green and I’ll be there, believe me!

Bloomberg is a sweetheart. He is a really lovely person who wants people to love him. This is unbelievable, but I ran into him face-to-face on 9/11. I went to vote in the Democratic primary at the grammar school on Madison Avenue and 81st Street, and he was there voting for himself in the Republican primary. I was wearing a loud orange and yellow Hawaiian shirt in honor of the beautiful day (the shirt later became filthy with asbestos dust and debris when I had to flee the financial district in the aftermath of the attacks on the World Trade Center) and I ran smack into Bloomberg in the polling station. He was being trailed by cameramen and reporters, and I had to jump out of his way. I didn’t bother to extend my hand to him because I figured he was another Republican nut-job who was trying to buy the election, like Ronald Lauder. Also, I figured, why would a multi-billionaire want to shake hands with a lowlife like me?

But you know what? Bloomberg gave me a look like HE would have liked to have shaken hands with ME! That’s why I really believe that he’s a saint and a genuinely lovely person. Mayor Bloomberg really loves people!

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Posted on 7/4/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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