200motels' Crystal Balls

Anybody who doubts my clairvoyant abilities to predict the future had better think again. In a poem I published in this blog last week, “Forty Days and Forty Nights,” I have Governor Schwartzenegger advising Paris Hilton to read the Bible for purposes of meditation while serving her jail sentence of 20 (days) to life for the offense of driving with an unlicensed Chihuahua dog in her car.

Evidently Paris herself or somebody close to her takes my opinion seriously, because the front page of today’s New York Post has a photograph of her looking for all the world like a seminary student and lugging around the Holy Bible as a show of her newfound piety.

Way to go, Paris! I always appreciated you for your intellectual erudition. Where the rest of the world just focused on your pantyless snatch, I knew that under that golden blonde mane there existed the didactic professorial intellect of a biblical scholar.

Paris Hilton is not stupid. She’s a genius. There are a lot of dopey rich girls, but only Paris Hilton found the formula for turning brainless idiocy into fame and fortune, like my heroes The Three Stooges. There are a lot of beautiful, brilliant girls but only Paris Hilton gets paid a hundred grand, a private jet, a penthouse suite and a Lamborghini sports car just for showing up at a photo opportunity.

I am vastly smarter than Paris Hilton and I don’t look bad either, but if I showed up at one of those events all I would get is a boot in the ass.

For my next prediction, I forecast that she will be consulted by the Pope in Rome, will be appointed Secretary of State to solve the Middle East crisis and will minister to the impoverished masses of the Indian subcontinent.

I guarantee you that the next photo of Paris Hilton to appear on the front page of The New York Post will show her lugging around all 36 volumes of the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Einstein better watch out!

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Posted on 5/23/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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