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I’m tired of screaming, hysterical women who make scenes in public places simply because they can’t figure out what’s going on. The vagina drives them nuts, with all the dicks going in and out, and babies and blood coming out. Hell, that would drive me nuts too.

That’s why the men in New Jersey are in open rebellion, marrying each other and running around naked in the streets, hanging out around churches, and when you walk by they drag you in and try to marry you. The reason men are gay is that they can’t confront the reality of the vagina, with its lips and folds, and the responsibility of caressing the clitoris. These guys are stuck in the juvenile sexuality of the anus, which is just a lubricated hole surrounded by hair.

Governor McGreevy made it perfectly clear to his wife, who is divorcing him. She complained to the judge that their daughter was forced to see a life-size photo portrait of a guy with his ding-dong hanging out right over McGreevy’s bed that he shares with his boyfriend. McGreevy responded that it was a meaningful work of gay art. The thing’s dick hangs right out over their bed, and every time they sit up in bed it bangs into their heads like a bell clapper, making a clanging sound and knocking them out. This way McGreevy and his chum never get out of bed, which makes it safe for guys like me to take a leak in a public toilet in New Jersey without getting poked in the rear by an admiring ex-governor.

In her divorce papers, Dina McGreevy referred to her husband as “bisexual.” He reacted in a screaming rage that he is not bisexual, but blatantly homosexual. “I am a gay American!” he ranted. “Read my lips!” Then he made a motion of a dick going in and out his mouth ha-ha.

New Jersey sure knows how to pick 'em! The current governor, Corzine, is in the hospital with every bone in his body broken from rushing at 90 mph without a seatbelt to meet with... IMUS and the nappy-headed ho's basketball team???? Something is wrong with New Jersey and it must be in the water.

All the negative qualities of the female, the screaming, the hysteria, the greed and endless unhappiness – they don’t exactly combine to enhance the sexual experience. The only problem is, if you’re straight, you’re straight! There’s no alternative to the vagina, unless you happen to be a Greek sheepherder stuck up in the hills with a flock of ewes. And then you may have to butt heads with a ram. There’s no alternative to a woman’s kiss. A sheep will never do. Unfortunately, guys like me are a captive audience for nervous, disgracefully insane hysterical women. What are you gonna’ do?

Never mind that. A-Rod hit homeruns number 11 and 12. At this rate he’ll hit over a hundred homeruns this year. He’s wearing down the base paths so much that they are thinking of putting in an express lane for him. Steinbrenner said he might buy A-Rod a golf cart so he doesn’t have to wear out his legs running around the bases. The Umpires League said they might be agreeable to just crediting the Yankees with a homerun every time it’s A-Rod’s turn at the plate, in the interest of efficiency.

Meanwhile, Barry Bonds, who just hit another homerun, is getting closer to Hank Aaron’s homerun record and everybody is so fixated on A-Rod that nobody noticed. Bonds, who is famous for insane jealousy and resentment, has a photo of A-Rod for a target in the basement shooting range of his mansion, but a single-shot gun was not sufficient for his hate, so he brought in an 80-millimeter cannon. Even that is not enough, and now Bonds is negotiating with North Korea to buy an a-bomb so that he can blow Alex Rodriguez’ picture to smithereens.

The most important words you can learn in Korean: “Don’t shoot!”

If you want to live a long life, don’t steal gum from a Korean deli.

They had elections in France and the female candidate was criticized for dressing too fancy. They told her that in America the politicians wear conservative pants suits. “Not so,” she responded. “I know one American politician who likes fancy dresses, Rudolph Giuliani.”

They took a poll, and they found that in the wake of the Virginia Tech massacre Americans are still against stricter gun laws, this time on the grounds that anybody who is that intent on committing mayhem will find a way, no matter what.

Too bad they don’t take that attitude about smoking reefer, which is what I like to do. THAT, they’re still intent on cracking down on! Go figure. I never heard of any situation where a solid citizen with a firearm ever prevented a crime from being committed. Usually it’s the opposite, where normal people commit mayhem against each other because of the availability of destructive firepower. That’s OK, but a joint of marijuana, that’s a hanging offense.

If those dorks out there in flyover country want to blow each other away to hell in endless episodes far into the future, be my guest! I’ll be down in Bora-Bora smoking a joint and fucking around with the hula girls.

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Posted on 4/25/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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