SCHMUCKS

Attorney Raoul Felder and his chum, comedian Jackie Mason, have written a book entitled “Schmucks” wherein they refer to Hillary Clinton, her husband, whatsisname, and Al Sharpton as exemplifying the title phrase.

Now Governor Eliot Spitzer, God bless him, is demanding that Felder resign from the state Commission on Judicial Conduct on the grounds that somebody who uses the aforementioned phrase is beneath the dignity of the Commission.

This coming from a man who has famously referred to himself as “a fucking bulldozer.” That is evidently dignified.

What does the governor think Jackie Mason should do, resign from the Friars Club?

Lighten up, Gov! There is hardly anybody in New York who could not be accurately described as a schmuck, including the governor. Including this writer. It goes with the territory. In order to survive one day in New York City you have to manifest enormous quantities of schmuckliness. This is a city where lies, insults and backstabbing actually become desirable qualities, because they are the social lubricants that make possible progress in the New York sense of the word.

Not that I am for it, but you would have to be from Schenectady not to recognize the reality of it.

All Felder and Mason did was to call a schmuck a schmuck. That is freedom of speech.

Their digs are directed at people on the left side of the political spectrum, where I reside as well. So let them call me a schmuck.

Maybe we’re schmucks, but we don’t massacre our kids like so many carloads of livestock as they do in the genteel environs of flyover country. I realize that the kid who did the shooting was a foreigner, but he never could have assembled the arsenal he was packing in his own country. For that he had to come to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, as it was recently described to me by my now former employer. It’s a sad commentary, but if you had gone into that classroom five minutes before the mayhem erupted and taken a poll, the majority of the students who were killed would have supported the NRA position on the Right to Bear Arms, as would have their parents. Time will tell if the parents’ position on the desirability of free access to firearms changes now, in light of recent events.

The epithets I reserve for people on the right go a lot farther than schmuck, believe me! How about this for an opinion of the charming right-wing commentators who inform the nation's airwaves, like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter: moronic, imbecilic, maggot-ridden, protofascist progeny of diseased, offal-eating falangist prostitutes. And that’s just for starters.

Schmuck, by comparison, is almost of term of loving endearment. I use it all the time, especially in my stage act.

“Little Schmuck on the Prairie.” “Dancing With the Schmucks.” It always gets a laugh.

To throw an attorney off a judicial commission just because he collaborates with a comedian in writing a joke book should be beneath the dignity of the Governor of New York.

As for Felder and Mason denigrating the Spanish language, as they do in their little tome, I say, “¡Chinga tu madre!”

Instead of going after the poor people who are so desperate that they are willing to go through hell just so they can come here and drive a delivery bicycle, as Mason and Felder are so happy to do, I propose to send the bill for the immigrants’ social services to the real villains, the thieves and gangsters that constitute the Mexican establishment, who are robbing Mexico blind, its own kleptocratic oligarchy like Carlos Slim Helú, the second richest man in the world, whose public position is that helping people is a waste of resources, and his whole corrupt gang of thieves and robber barons, who long ago made the determination to steal everything in sight and use the United States as a toilet to absorb their excess population.

That’s where the fault lies, not with the starving masses who come here, but the scumbags who squeeze them dry and force them to leave their own country.

Compared to these duds, Raoul Felder and Jackie Mason are just a stoopid, baggy pants comedy duo who write comic books. God Bless ‘em, I say!

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Posted on 4/17/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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