PLAY BALLLLLL!!!

A-Rod is certainly earning his money this year, hitting a home run every day. He must have got over his mystery illness of last season, which probably came from sitting on the same toilet seat as the Mets’ Paul LoDuca.

I found out the secret of his new virtuosity. It turns out that Yankees manager Joe Torre advised him to imagine that the ball was Derek Jeter’s head, and he hit it out of the park!

In the meantime, Yanks center fielder Hideki Matsui is back on the disabled list. Owner George Steinbrenner brought in one of those Japanese geisha girls to administer him therapy by walking on his back, but she made a mistake and stepped on his dick and now it’s sushi.

Meanwhile, the new Israeli professional baseball league has swung into action! They started a professional league, but they had to change some of the rules.

Since the game is played in Hebrew, the players run around the field the wrong way.

Since it’s Jewish baseball, all the bats have got the tip cut off.

The players don’t wear baseball caps. They wear yarmulkes with sun visors.

The players can hit home runs but they can’t hit the ball out of the park because it might land in Jordan and start a war.

Since it’s Jewish baseball, there’s always a lot of stealing bases going on. Some guys get walked but they slide into first base out of habit. The stealing is so rampant that they got a cop at every base. If the runner runs too slow, the infielder sometimes sells him the base. When the player steals a base in Israel he takes it home with him. The home plate umpire is a rabbi, and if a player steals home, the rabbi waves his finger at him and calls him to a bad boy. Then he asks for a donation. And don’t mess around with him, because the rabbi is also a moyle, and if you argue with him he cuts another quarter-inch off your dick. Some players don’t have nothing left, because in Israeli baseball they throw you out of the game for not arguing!

The biggest change in Israeli baseball is that when the player goes up to bat, his mother runs up and fills up home plate with food.

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Posted on 4/11/2007 ( Permanent Link )
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