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“Hi folks and welcome to our show. I’m Jerry Springer.
“You know, when Frank Sinatra sang “Fly Me To The Moon,” he meant it in the romantic sense. Little did he know that in just a few years’ time romance would actually fly into outer space, and with romance all the messy complications that go along with it.
“Our show today proves that people can go into outer space and fly to the moon, but they can’t leave human emotions behind them.
“If you substitute boats and the ocean for starships and outer space, you have a story that could have been written by Homer or Shakespeare. What makes this story relevant to us as inhabitants of the twenty-first century is how little life has changed, because in spite of all efforts to breed a race of technologically efficient supermen and women, unhindered by emotions, we are now confronted with the fact that human nature will follow us even as we cross endless reaches of space to uncharted destinations.
“Today’s story concerns two women and the man they loved. The women – strong, intelligent, highly trained scientists. The man, strong and highly trained but maybe somewhat less intelligent. What we’ll try to discover here today is what they saw in him and the lengths they were willing to go to in order to possess him.
“Our first guest is the girl he left behind – on earth, I mean. Although she is a highly talented engineer in her own right, she is the only member of our three scientists who has never lifted off into space. But let’s let her tell her own story. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give a big welcome to NASA scientist Colleen Shipman!
“Miss Shipman, welcome to the show.”
“I thought I was going to be on Oprah!”
“Can you tell us in your own words about your relationship with astronaut Bill Oefelein?”
“Well, as you know, I’m a highly trained electrical engineer and fluent in German, but I felt something was missing in my life.”
“And that would be…?”
“A dick. A big, hard dick attached to a man’s body.”
“I see. And Bill Oefelein seemed to fit the bill, even though he wasn’t so smart.”
“I’ll say. We would be in bed together and he would call me by somebody else’s name.”
“And that didn’t bother you?”
“Brains in a man don’t interest me. I’ll do the thinking. I just needed a man with a big, erect masculine member to get in between my legs and push.”
“Well, now that we’ve got that established, let’s bring out our next guest, astronaut Lisa Nowak. Miss Nowak, welcome to our show.”
“You didn’t tell me she was going to be here!”
“Miss Nowak, you went to extreme length to eliminate your romantic rival. What were you going to do to her with six feet of plastic tubing and a hammer?”
“I just wanted to try to convince her to go away. He was mine.”
“You’re crazy. He was sick of you. He loved me.”
“He loved me, you teutonic German bitch. Why don’t you go back to your country?”
“I was born here, you nut job! They’re going to put you away where you belong, in the nut house, and then Bill and I can come and visit you and feed you popcorn between the bars, you hysterical lunatic!”
“I’m going to kill you right now, you whore!”
[Lisa Nowak runs over and grabs Colleen Shipman and the two start fighting. The band plays “Stairway To Heaven” as the show’s bouncers separate the women]
“Let’s bring out the third member of our drama and see if we can get him to explain what drove him from the arms of one woman to the other. Ladies and gentlemen, the man with the key that unlocked the love of these two women, Hero Astronaut Bill Oefelein!
“Bill, can you tell us what you first saw in Lisa Nowak?”
“Well, she was real sexy floating around the space shuttle cabin in her astronaut diaper. Also, she gave me a great hand-job with the shuttle’s robotic arm.”
“And Colleen Shipman…?”
“She was totally wild in bed. She used to scream at me in German while we were doing it.”
“What did she scream?”
“She used to scream about invading Poland. She called me ‘Mein Fuhrer.’”
“That’s enough to make any man’s hair stand up.”
“And the rest of him too!”
“Bill, how could you betray me with that nazi after all we meant to each other?”
“Bill, why didn’t you tell me you were still seeing her, you swine?”
[The two women attack the man, beating him to a pulp, as the band plays on]
“Well, folks, that’s our show for today. Remember, hard as it is to build rockets and shuttles to go into outer space, people’s love lives are even harder to navigate.
“I’m Jerry Springer.”
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Posted on 3/11/2007
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