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The big trend today is saving people. I couldn’t figure out where this is coming from. This is New York, where mugging people and robbing them is the national sport.
Then I saw all the loot these people were getting. Checks for fifteen grand, free vacations, going on Letterman. So I said, “I got to save somebody.”
So I’m walking around, looking for somebody to save. I was getting tired!
All of a sudden I hear, “Help me! My baby, my baby!” I look up and I see this building on fire, and the woman is at the window with a baby.
I scream, “Throw me the kid!” She pitches the baby. But I missed, and the baby lands on the sidewalk. Splatt! I should've worn my glasses.
People start screaming at me and shaking their fist. Hey, they didn’t take it so bad when Matsui missed that fly ball against Boston and broke his wrist for the rest of the season. Geez, people are funny about kids!
I figured I better get out of there, and I ran down into the subway.
I get down to the platform and I hear this guy screaming, “Help me! Help me!” He’s on the tracks and the train is coming.
I say, “I’ll help you. Gimme your hand.” The guy grabs my hand, but his hand has got all this GOO on it. I pull away my hand. “Yecch!” So the train rolls over the guy. But I think he was all right – it only dragged him a couple hundred feet.
But I didn’t come here to talk about that. I wanna talk to you about The New York Post, America’s Ass-Wipe. No comedian can afford not to read The Post, because it’s a trade journal for morons, which I proudly count myself.
If you read The Post the first thing you learn is, Don’t live on the first floor. This poor guy was minding his own business in his own house, lying on his sofa watching “Little Schmuck on the Prairie” when a Trans-Am crashed through the wall, ran him over and killed him
Now, a lot of people are gonna say, “It was the drugs.” Well, I’m here to tell you that I’m on drugs all the time, and I haven’t run over anybody.
Of course, I can’t afford no nice car, either.
But I decided to do some research about people driving up on the sidewalk and running over people. And I found out that it mostly happens in Brooklyn, where the people are so fat that they have a lot of problem squeezing in behind the steering wheel.
Brooklyn is a city that is so fat that the borough president, Friedman, tried to put the whole city on a diet. See, he found out that when these fat slobs eat calzone and egg roll together, it produces intestinal gas like a jet engine that pushes them forward in the driver’s seat and jams their foot down on the accelerator, then they drive up on the sidewalk and kill pedestrians.
On top of everything else, all this butt gas from the fat people in Brooklyn is depleting the ozone layer and producing global warming. Things have gotten so bad that chunks of Brooklyn are breaking off and floating out to sea, and by the time the fat walruses who are sunning themselves on the rocks are able to roll over and figure out what’s going, they have drifted so far out into the ocean that it’s too far for them to swim back.
So I’m thinking to myself, this is a great chance for me to make money and save Brooklyn at the same time.
So I designed this little beauty. [Produces a blown-up kiddie balloon taped to the end of a drinking straw] Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, The 200motels Butt Gas Collector. I should rake in millions with this cool shit!
Lemme show how it works. You take this tube and stick it up your ass like this [Bends over and jams the drinking straw between his legs from behind with the balloon appearing to stick out his butt].
Now you blow gas into it [Produces a duck call whistle and blows on it].
[Duck call: “Splaart!]
[Stands up and shows the thing to the audience] Now, when the balloon is filled up, you call Con Ed, and they send a guy over to empty the gas into a tank, which they use to heat houses.
Someday people will say, “Thank you, 200motels. You saved the world!”
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Posted on 1/7/2007
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