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This woman asked me if I would like a blowjob. I said, “I don’t want any damn job.”
A lot of the women I know would rather blow you than give you sex because it doesn’t mess up their hair, and when they’re blowing you it’s easier for them to reach in your pocket and take your wallet.
This woman at LA International Airport put her baby through the x-ray machine that they use on the carry-on luggage. She thought it was a microwave. In Mexico, where she’s from, that’s what they use to get the kids brown. “Mrs. Gonzalez, how do you want your kid cooked?” “Medium.” Actually, that’s why they call it LAX. It stands for LA X-Ray. Putting your kid through the x-ray machine, that’s more like something you would expect from a man. Except me. I prefer to check the kid through with the check-on luggage. That way you don’t have to worry if the kid’s going to fit in the overhead compartment, and then you have to keep him under the seat.
There’s a reward out for Paris Hilton’s panties. Actually, Mayor Bloomberg said he approves of the new trend of women going around without panties, because that way it gives the pussy a chance to air out. It’s a pubic health measure. It gives the vaginal fluids a chance to dry out, and when you go down on the girl, you don’t eat all that stuff and get your arteries all clogged.
I had a date with Paris Hilton and we made love all night. But my crotch has been itching all day. Jeez, I hope I didn’t catch any crabs. Wait a minute. [reaches in the waistband of his pants and withdraws a large, black rubber spider]. OMIGOD! Well, she said she just got back from Texas!
Now, I read The New York Post everyday. It’s the only way you can keep up with what’s going on in New York. Who cares about Iraq or Somalia? I want to know what’s going on in New York. I want to know what’s going up Paris Hilton’s nose. Last week The Post ran a fantastic close-up shot of Paris Hilton’s nose that still had the little white spot from the coke that she put up her nose. Now, that’s what I call news. But Paris Hilton’s press agent said that that white stuff wasn’t coke at all. He said it was whipped cream from her dessert that got up her nose. I’ll buy that. In today’s Post they ran a front page story about how the clerk in a Dunkin’ Donuts store in Brooklyn got assaulted by an irate customer who was pissed-off because the store had run out of whipped cream to put in her hot chocolate. I happen to know for a fact that 5 minutes before this happened, Paris Hilton had gone into the store and put all the whipped cream up her nose, and that’s why they ran out.
Now, in the interest of science, I’m going to do an experiment to find out if you can eat whipped cream up your nose, like Paris Hilton says she does. I have this can of whipped cream and I’m going to shoot it up my nose. [shoots whipped cream up nose and all over face] Hey, it actually works! That was FANTASTIC! [Wipes the whipped cream off his face with black panties] Hey, look what I got here, it’s Paris Hilton’s panties! They smell like fish. It must be Friday!
Now when Hillary Clinton saw all the free publicity Paris Hilton was getting for not wearing panties, she decided that she wasn’t going to wear panties either, so now when Hillary Clinton gets out of a car, you get a flash of her snatch too. But with Hillary Clinton, it isn’t a charming little slit like Paris Hilton. It’s a grizzly, huge gash like a wound from the Iraq war.
When I heard that Hillary Clinton had thrown out her panties, I thought to myself, “This is my chance to cash in. If I can find her discarded panties, I can sell them on E-Bay and make a fortune of money.” So I went down to the Waldorf Astoria Hotel and I went through the dumpster behind the hotel, and I found these [displays a huge pair of bloomers with the words “CLINTON 2008” written on the ass in magic marker] I should make a fortune with this cool shit!
But that’s not all. I don’t know if you remember, but when Rudolph Giuliani was mayor of New York, he used to dress up in full drag like Marilyn Monroe, with a strapless gown, full makeup, a beauty mark, the whole bit. This was right around the time when his wife left him to appear in “The Vagina Monologues” and he moved in with those two gay guys. Kind of makes you wonder about the guy, you know what I mean?
Now, when Giuliani used to wear pantyhose and high heels, he didn’t wear boxer shorts. Oh no! Giuliani was wearing women’s panties too. So when Giuliani heard that Hillary Clinton was running around without panties, he figured, “I’m running for president too. Maybe if I start going around without panties I can get some free publicity too." So he threw out his panties as well.
When I heard this, I went NUTS! I figured, if I can find Giuliani’s panties, I can sell them as a matched pair with Hillary Clinton’s panties on E-Bay, or I can donate them to The Smithsonian Institution and get a big tax writeoff.
So I went up to Gracie Mansion, and I was rummaging through the garbage cans behind the mansion, but it’s been a long time since Giuliani lived there, and there weren’t any panties. So I was walking away, dejected, when I happened to look up, and what did I see, hanging from the branch of a tree? Giuliani’s panties! And here they are [displays a huge pair of ladies’ drawers with RUDY 2008 written across the butt in magic marker]
Imagine what a carefree guy Giuliani is, dancing around Carl Shurz Park like Holly Golightly, flinging his panties to the four winds! [dances around the stage singing “I feel pretty, oh so pretty…!” Flings the panties into the air] Whoop-de-doo! America’s Mayor! Geez! Now, if Giuliani runs against Hillary Clinton for president, it’s going to be like “Rocky Balboa” of the panties. “In this corner, weighing in at 208 lbs., in the blue panties, Hillary Clinton! And in this corner, in the pink panties, weighing in at 139 ½ lbs., Rudy “Tutti-Frutti” Giuliani. "And let the best panties win!"
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Posted on 12/30/2006
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