THE THREE STOOGES SING HIP-HOP

BAM BAM BAM

LARRY - Who’s there?

LANDLORD - It’s the landlord!

[Larry opens door]

LANDLORD – You got the rent money yet?

LARRY – Not yet boss.

LANDLORD – Well, if I don’t get my money by tomorrow you and those other two clowns are evicted.

LARRY – OK, boss. [slams door]

[Moe and Curley emerge from hiding behind the sofa]

LARRY – Where are we gonna’ get the money?

MOE – Don’t worry. Look what I got here! [Moe produces a flyer]

$1,000 PRIZE
AMATEUR HIP-HOP CONTEST
TONIGHT
APOLLO THEATER
125th STREET, HARLEM

LARRY – But Moe, we don’t know anything about music.

MOE – Relax, I’ve got it all figured out. First we need some cool clothes. Curley, put these pants on.

CURLEY – OK, Moe. [Puts on pants] Moe, these pants are too short and they’re falling down around my butt!

MOE – That’s the look. Where did you get those yellow drawers?

CURLEY - They used to be white.

MOE – [smacks Curley] Why, you pig! You’re disgusting!

CURLEY – You say the sweetest things! [kisses Moe]

MOE – Why you… [tries to poke two fingers in Curley’s eyes, but Curley is too fast. He protects his face with his hand]

CURLEY – Nyuk nyuk!

[Moe swings his arm around like a propeller and hits Curley on the head like a hammer]

BONK!

CURLEY – That smarts!

MOE – Now shut up and put on this shirt.

CURLEY – That ain’t a shirt, it’s a dress! [puts on shirt] Moe, this shirt is hanging down to my ankles.

MOE – You look cool. Now we need some earrings for you.

CURLEY – Earrings are for girls. I’m not a girl!

MOE – If you don’t shut up and do what I tell you, I’m gonna turn you into a girl in about one minute. Now, what can we use for earrings?

LARRY – All we’ve got are some paper clips and some animal crackers.

MOE – Well, we’ll have to hang the animal crackers from Curley’s ears with the paper clips.

CURLEY – Good idea! Then if I get hungry, I can eat my earrings. [puts the animal crackers on his ears]

MOE – Now we need to get you a chain for around your neck. We’ll use Rover’s dog chain. Larry, get one of the hubcaps from the kitchen to hang from the chain.

LARRY – But Moe, those hubcaps are what we’re using for dishes.

MOE – We’ll have to eat out of the Frisbee. [attaches the hubcap to the dog chain and hangs it around Curley’s neck] Not bad… Now we just need to put a do-rag on your head.

CURLEY – What’s a do-rag?

MOE – Don’t you know anything? When you get your hair processed you put a do-rag over it to protect your conk.

CURLEY – But Moe, I ain’t got no hair!

LARRY – What are we gonna use for a do-rag?

MOE – Go steal a pair of pantyhose from Mrs. Murphy’s clothesline.

[Moe ties the pantyhose on Curley’s head]

MOE – Now, cop an attitude.

CURLEY – What’s that?

MOE – You have to be nasty and threatening.

CURLEY – [barks like a dog] Grrr! Ruff ruff ruff!

MOE – No, you have to be mean enough to scare people into thinking you want to kill them.

CURLEY – But Moe, I’m a happy person. My parents owned a candy store and I always had all the candy I wanted. My mother used to feed me six meals a day. I don’t have a mean bone in my body!

MOE – Try to imagine that your father went to prison and your mother was a crack addict. You lived in a cardboard box under the 125th Street Bridge and rats bit your face when you were sleeping.

CURLEY – [crying] Boo-hoo-hoo!

MOE – Alright, This is not working. Larry, go get that bottle of castor oil from the medicine cabinet. [holds Curley’s nose and pours the whole bottle of castor oil down his throat]

CURLEY – Yuck, ugh, hack hack, cough, shit!

MOE – Now you got it! Now make some hand signals.

CURLEY – Like what?

MOE – Like you’re a TV antenna and you’re trying to improve reception so we can watch the Knicks game.

CURLEY – Like this?

MOE – Yeah, exactly! Now start dancing. Make believe you’re a Halloween skeleton on a string.

CURLEY – How’s this, Moe?

MOE – Nah, that’s too much like real dancing. Make like you’re an epileptic having a grand mal fit. No no no! That’s not jerky enough. Wait, I’ll help you. [goes over to the desk and takes out a jar labeled “Brazilian Fire Ants”] [to Larry] I was saving this for an emergency and I guess this is it.

[Moe unscrews the jar and empties the fire ants into Curley’s pants]

[Curley starts jumping around like a lunatic]

CURLEY – Wheep wheep wheep! Oh oh! Yadda yadda yadda! Oh no, oh no, oh no! [Curley starts smacking his body with his hands, rolling around on the floor, raises himself to a sitting position and drags himself across the floor on his butt]

LARRY - It looks like he’s getting the hang of it pretty good.

MOE – He better, or tomorrow night we’ll be sleeping on a subway grating.

[Scene fades to backstage at the Apollo Theater. The Stooges are dressed identically, and all three are wearing wraparound sunglasses]

STAGE MANAGER – You boys are on next. Are you ready?

MOE – Just one more thing, boss. [pulls open the top of Curley’s shirt and throws in an electric eel. Curley’s shirt starts flashing and smoke and crackling noises come out of it]

ANNOUNCER – And now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from the secret underground dumps under the White Castle on Nostrand Avenue in Brooklyn, The Funky Stooges!

AUDIENCE – Yay!

[The Stooges go onstage, Larry and Moe strutting back and forth like a chorus line while Curley, shocked to shit by the electric eel in his shirt, does a St. Vitus dance at center stage]

LARRY and MOE –
We may not be pretty but we the crew that never loses
That’s why the women call us the Funky Stooges
Larry Moe and Curley are our given names
Makin’ love to pretty girls is our only aim
We may all be dummies who never went to school
Maybe we are stupid but we think that is cool
STOOPID – that’s our middle name
STOOPID – being dummies is our game
STOOPID – we can’t read or write
STOOPID – we love to drink and fight
S-T-O-O-P-I-D
That’s how were meant to be
D-U-M-M-M-I-E
Brainless idiocy
We don’t work or go to school
We just goof off like a fool
We too smart to get a job
We would rather steal and rob
We will never go to Yale
We would rather go to jail

AUDIENCE – Yay!

ANNOUNCER - Well, you boys are the winners. Now, before we award you the thousand dollars, tell us: who is your favorite rapper? 50 cent? Jay-Z?

CURLEY – We like Clifford the Big Red Dog.

AUDIENCE – [shocked] Gasp!

[The Stooges get booted out the back door into the alley]

LARRY – Oooh, we lost the money!

MOE – [to Curley] Who told you to open yer big yap?

CURLEY – I’m a baaaaad boooy!

MOE – Why you…. [chases Curley around the alley]

Scene fades.

THE END

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Posted on 11/12/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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