ROCKY 5000

When I heard that Sylvester Stallone was making another sequel of “Rocky,” I couldn’t believe my ears.

Sure, Stallone keeps in shape but he’s pushing 60 now, and nobody’s going to suspend disbelief to the point of believing that a guy that age is going to survive in the ring against a heavyweight bruiser half his age.

Fortunately, I’ve got a good connection in the movie business, so I got an advance copy of the DVD.

The film opens in the Sonny Liston Memorial Home for Retired Pugilists, where Rocky is dozing off in the television room after an exhausting match of dominos.

Adrian runs up to him. “Rocky, I just overheard Sister Mary Magdalene crying in her office. If she isn’t able to come up with a million dollars, the town council is going to demolish the home for a sewage treatment plant.”

Rocky says, “Don’t worry, Adrian, I’ll go back into the ring and get the money.” He says, “I’ll start training right now. Wheel me into the kitchen.”

Instead of toughening his hands pounding on sides of beef in the frozen meat locker, Rocky punches on hamburger patties in the kitchen.

Instead of doing roadwork by dragging a log through the snow, he does sprints pushing a shopping basket up and down the aisle in Pathmark.

The night of the big fight, Rocky is in his corner in Madison Square Garden. The ring announcer announces the fight, “Let’s get ready to RUMBLE! In this corner, in the red trunks, from the Russian Federation, The Heavyweight Champion of the World, Vladimir Klitschko!”

In this corner, in the union suit with the button-down butt flap, from Philadelphia, Rocky Balboa!

The bell rings. Klitschko hits Rocky with a left, a right, a hook, an uppercut. Rocky only manages to stay on his feet by holding on to his walker.

Between rounds, Rocky’s cornermen take out his teeth and administer him CPR.

In the twelfth and final round, Rocky pushes his walker into Klitschko and knocks him over. Klitschko hits his head and passes out. Rocky is declared the winner.

Adrian jumps into the ring. “Rocky, you won the fight! You got the million bucks!”

Rocky is so overwhelmed, he clutches his heart and collapses.

Which is the same thing that is going to happen to this movie.

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Posted on 11/8/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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