200motels LIVE COMEDY ACT

Performed at The Comic Strip, New York City, Oct. 10, 2006.

EMCEE: And now, direct from an exclusive engagement at the secret underground dump by the White Castle on Nostrand Avenue in Brooklyn, we are proud to present you the comedic excretions of

200motels

Thank you very much. You know, folks, I have an act, but Bob and Gladys are insisting they want me to do improv. I said, “What if I die onstage?”

Gladys said, “I want you to die.”

So I thought to myself, If I die, I’ll donate my body to science. Like in “Alien.” They open my pants and my dick has another dick inside that pops out with teeth…

Now for a little bit of sports trivia. What’s this? [lurches across the stage like a moron] That’s Mike Piazza running to first base with half a baseball bat stuck up his ass after Roger Clemens threw the bat at him.

After that, when Mets manager Bobby Valentine said that Piazza was gay, Piazza got so pissed-off, he put on his dress and he left.

Anyway, with a name like Bobby Valentine, who is he to talk?

The way I hear it, Piazza is now designing a line of dresses for the Mets to wear when they win the World Series. The batboys are going to be dressed like flower girls at a wedding.

I was really sorry about Corey Lidle crashing his plan into that apartment building. What a lot of people don’t know is, the day before he did it, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner screamed at him, “You stink! You couldn’t hit the side of a barn.”

Lidle said, “I can too! Go to your window tomorrow at 2:00 and you’ll see how good I can aim!” See, Lidle thought Steinbrenner lived in the building, and he did what a lot of Yankees like A-Rod and Juan Contreras didn’t have the balls to do. [moans from the audience]

Electronics are fantastic. People who can’t read or write are walking around with thousand dollar laptop computers. They got an iPod in one ear, a telephone in the other ear and a Blackberry stuck up their ass.

Why don’t they get a harmonica, too? [pulls out a harmonica and plays a few bars of blues] Where’s the Spanish comic who was on before? ¡Mirá amigo! [plays a few bars of Latin music]

[Sings] Coño carajo diablo pendejo maricóóóóóón! ¡Mirá amigo, por qué las mujeres me llaman “hombre de nieve?” ¡Por qué yo tengo el cuevo de helado con dos cojones de hielo!
[Translation: Why do women call me “the snowman?” Because I have an ice cream dick and two ice cubes for balls]

Where’s the French guy? He left? You know, the French invented fart music, where a French guy made a fortune of money blowing air out of his ass in nightclubs. So I figured, this is America. We can do better. So I figured a way to lodge the harmonica up my ass, and when I fart it comes out sounding like “My Old Kentucky Home.” It don’t exactly smell like Springtime in Paris but it sounds real pretty.

I used to go to France, but I found out that the pussy was cheaper in Mexico, so now I go there. The only problem is, when I come back to the States I got guacamole coming out of my dick.

Did anybody see that photo of Paris Hilton in The Post. The photographer got a real cute shot of her cleavage, but what was really cool was that big bag of reefer she had sticking out of her handbag. That looked like dynamite shit! Paris Hilton got everything you want in a woman: big tits, big ass and a big bag of reefer!

When the cops questioned Paris Hilton about a crime she witnessed, she told them, “I ain’t that smart.” Yeah, not too smuckin’ fart. Except she’s grossing about $20 million a year for doing nothing. And every time she shows up at a nightclub opening, they give her a $200,000 Italian sports car. I wish I was that fuckin’ stupid.

It’s like that billionaire who told the Financial Times, “I’m stoopid! I don’t know how much a whole lotta’ nines are. But I got some people working for me who do!”

Well, that’s all the time I got. How’d I do with this improv? OK? See you all next week.

200motels WILL BE APPEARING AT THE COMIC STRIP ON A REGULAR BASIS. FOR INFORMATION REGARDING HIS APPEARANCES, CALL BOB OR GLADYS AT 212-832-1762.

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Posted on 10/14/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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