GET BACK, SATAN!!

It’s a fitting testament to the triumph of virtue over evil that all the monstrous maledictions the Republican Party has visited on hardworking Americans have come back to roost upon their just in time for the elections.

There is not enough bandwidth on this web site to recount all the damage these swine have inflicted upon our country, though I wish there was, because from a comedy standpoint it’s a shame to leave out any of it.

But as the topper, as the cherry on the vile, overflowing toxic confection of an ice cream sundae from hell that constitutes Republican activity in both the domestic and foreign policy arenas, we now have the infinitely evil spectre of a homosexual Republican congressman, ostensibly the protector of damaged children, sending masturbatory e-mails and text messages to teenage congressional pages.

Nothing about Republican underhandedness surprises me. I have always considered the Republican Party to be the fount of all that is venomous in the American body politic. I don’t care how far you go back – to the vicious slander visited upon Franklin Delano Roosevelt and his wife Eleanor, the McCarthyite witch hunts and HUAC career demolition of the 1950’s, Richard Nixon and his Huston Plan to set up concentration camps for anti-Viet Nam activists in the 1960’s, the Clinton impeachment circus and the Starr Report of the 1990’s. The Republican Party has always abided by one enduring philosophical maxim: distract the public with a monstrous spectacle, and then, when they are otherwise preoccupied, pick their pockets.

And when Republicans steal it’s not just incidental behavior like a Democratic congresswoman spending a fortune of money to redecorate her office. When Republicans steal, they do it with the holy zeal of brainwashed freaks on a mission. They figure they’re doing us a favor by looting the treasury. That way, there won’t be any resources left for social programs, and the scrambling around to keep body and soul together will fortify us as a people lean and mean.

Some of them, like some Charles Manson cult members, actually believe this garbage (I’ll just briefly put the lie to it right now by pointing out that Germany and Sweden, who have the world’s most highly advanced social programs, are more productive than we are, with higher export ratios). But most of them regard this justification as a cynical joke that just enables them to steal.

The witless sophistry they use to bamboozle the hayseeds in the hinterlands naturally has less resonance with relatively more sophisticated city dwellers, so the Republicans, endlessly resourceful in their sanctimonious slander, have figured out a formula for justifying this disparity of stupidity by attacking metropolitan areas as godless outposts of cosmopolitanism out of touch with the real deal values of virtuous heartland dwellers. Joseph Stalin used exactly the same strategy to isolate and persecute Soviet Jews.

Nowhere is this intellectual pollution more evident than in the realm of sexual morality, which is an easily justifiable red herring to throw to the trained seals that constitute their electorate. In this, they have the Pope as an ally and can also point to the King James Bible for justification. Sex, bad. Abortion, super bad. Homosexuality, an abominable vice that dareth not speak its name. Does anybody in the Republican leadership really buy into any of this garbage? It would hardly seem to be the case. When Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert was informed of the existence of salacious e-mails sent by Mark Foley to young teenage boys, he blew it off (an unfortunate metaphor, but there you are).

Everybody knew Foley was a fruit but nobody seemed to mind. He kept his congressional seat safe for the Republicans and voted the party line.

Unfortunately, voting wasn’t the only thing he did from the floor of the House. Right in the middle of legislative sessions he was using his Blackberry and cell phone to send electronic messaging to every kid he ever met in the House going back ten years.

Now, this writer has developed his own theory about juvenile sexuality among adult offenders, and that is that they are not emotionally equipped to handle relations with adult people. They’re retarded, and this goes for sexy blonde schoolteachers who carry on with young boys.

In terms of the women, I say, Let them off the hook. Boys like to get fucked. I know I did. These daffy young women are doing a public service as long as they don’t go out of their way to do psychological damage. Maybe we should set up a domestic “Piece Corps” or “Pussy Patrol”to send these stunted women from town to town to lay kids and keep them from hotrodding around at night, getting into terrible car crashes.

In terms of the men, though, there is a destructive, predatory quality to them that makes them dangerous. No adult male should be allowed that much latitude of behavior.

This is not to say that Foley did more than flirt, which is not a hanging offense. His problem is that instead of just reciting these imbecilities verbally over the telephone, this schmuck left a paper trail behind him.

How likely is it that Foley would write this garbage down in a letter, put a stamp on it and deposit it in a mailbox? Not bloody likely! Or that he would sit down at a computer terminal to do it? No, the problem is with these hand-held Blackberries and text-messaging cell phones. The problem, as with handguns, is the instant accessibility of these gadgets that can turn an irrational impulse into an indelible fact of life.

Foley would still have a job today if he had a harmonica in his pocket instead of a freakin’ Blackberry. Instead of ruining his own life and his party’s chances, he could have whipped out his mouth organ and played a soulful version of “My Old Kentucky Home.”

Or he could have paid his tailor to cut the pockets out of his pants. That way, he would have had something else to play with other than Bush’s future congressional agenda. As far as House Speaker Dennis Hastert is concerned, the only thing he cares about is fleecing the suckers. When they came to him about Foley’s e-mails, he probably rolled his eyes and said, “What did you expect? You know the guy’s a fruit! Tell him to knock it off” before going to the main order of business: “How much did we take in this week?”

As for me, none of this comes as a shock. Everybody knows former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover wore party dresses. I believe the truth will eventually come out that the CIA has photos of British Prime Minister Tony Blair engaging in sex with men, otherwise why would he slavishly agree to involve his country in the invasion of a country that it had previously been kicked out of once before already? French former prime minister Edith Cresson once got in trouble for joking that 25 percent of all Englishmen were homosexual, but that joke would not have gained currency if there were not some anecdotal foundation to it.

I believe the U.S. owes a debt of gratitude to Mark Foley for providing irrefutable evidence of what we already know: that the Republicans are unfit for any activity that has an impact on the interests of men, women, boys or girls.

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Posted on 10/8/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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