THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!

Something sweet is in the air these days, and it’s the absence of Republicans. It may not be Springtime in Paris, exactly, but the air is unpolluted by the petty calumnies, insults, recriminations, accusations of treason and cowardice and threats that are the quotidian sustenance of our red state neighbors, as they strive to lower the rest of us to their primordial level of comprehension.

This freshening of the ecosphere may be explained by the advance of the November elections, as the G.O.P., like so many incontinent house pets, scared by the prospect of imminent electoral punishment by their masters, the electorate, for their willful and wanton fouling of the carpet of our social fabric, hide in inaccessible, dark corners, sort of like Bin Ladin in the caves of Pakistan, until after the first Tuesday in November. The usual vile nonsense coming out of their mouths about abortion, social permissiveness, and the hoariest of all concepts, Values, spoken by unimaginable creeps, most of whom are under indictment for stealing and bribery, are nowhere to be heard.

For these hideous little ghoulies, monsters and vampires who cringe when exposed to sunlight, our national Halloween parade of Republican geeks, every day is Trick or Treat. Either they get the treat, which is our national treasure, or we get the trick in the form of the accelerated destructon and ruin of our lives by methods that can only be described as inspired malevolence or diabolical murderous genius. The Spanish Inquisition and the witch burnings of the middle ages – these were the Republicans of their times, in search of defenseless suckers to enhance their authority. The methods they use today are only slightly more refined – congressional investigations and grand juries – but the results are the same: Susan MacDougal in chains while her husband dies in another jail. Barry Bonds on the sellette and his best friend, Greg Anderson, in prison for an indeterminate jail sentence for refusing to talk about an activity that is not even proscribed by law, all so that the fat Republicans who judge them can continue to steal and plunder. Ten thousand dollar golf games, sweetheart deals with defense contractors, drafting legislation that permits corporate gangsters to legally steal from shareholders by backdating stock options. All this and more, ladies and gentlemen. No wonder they choose to lie low in the weeks before the election!

Oh, the Democrats are stupid! All this stealing going on for all these years, and they haven’t even been able to formulate a reason for why it should be brought to an end. But if being stupid means not having the brains to rob and steal everything in sight, then this writer proudly declares himself to be a freakin’ moron too!

The Republicans have gotten some (not so) unexpected assistance this week here in New York, at the Bellevue North Ding-Dong School for Overpriviliged World Elites, otherwise known as the United Nations, an establishment that lends substance to the maxim that “class” is a concept invented by stand-up comedians to explain an ethereal world of dignified behavior that they never experienced. This brings to mind the old Lenny Bruce routine about the comedian who complains incessantly that his agent never books him into “class” rooms. When his agent finally takes his complaints to heart and books him in to a high-brow nightclub in London, England, the guy gets on stage to do his act and all the lords and ladies end up throwing glasses and beer bottles at him. So much for class.

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez had the opportunity to play a “class room” this week, and he brought the house down with a comedy act inspired by Richard Pryor and Flip Wilson. I thought he was fabulous, and so did most of the rest of the world, but Bush still enjoys some residual support among the weirdos who inhabit flyover country, and they screamed like stuck pigs when Chavez invoked images of a sulfurous underworld presided over by the grotesque, creepy embodiment of the banality of evil.

I certainly have no intention of getting all exercised over Hugo Chavez’s characterization of the embodiment of satanic evil. I thought it was hilarious, and I loved the gag about the sulfur.

The United Nations is a nightclub that plenty of comics would, pardon me, sell their souls to play. If you figure in the worldwide exposure that Chavez’s little joke got him, it was a very good career move.

But it’s been a hilarious week all ‘round. The opening ceremony of the General Assembly was marred by a military coup d’état in the Kingdom of Thailand that deposed the Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, who only heard about it when UN security guards ripped his visitors credentials off his neck and unceremoniously booted him off the premises onto First Avenue. Undeterred, Thaksin picked himself up off the sidewalk, walked one block up to the Thai Rak Barbecue Restaurant and got himself a job as maitre d’hôtel!

To people who say that the UN should move out of New York, I offer this riposte: where else do you get this entertainment value? In a one-kilometer radius you got Times Square, Bellevue Mental Hospital and the United Nations, and the three are interchangeably commingled. Throw in The New York Post, the Mother of All Comic Books, which treats the UN as local news on the same pages as the muggings and high school sexual assaults, and you have a recipe for high comedy. New Yorkers complain, but if this zany slapstick Keystone Kops Komedy were taking place in any other city, they would be ochre with envy. This opinion is shared by no less an eminence than His Majesty The Mayor who, vastly more sophisticated than his successor, a creepy little dude who was devoted to shuttering museums because he objected to the exhibits, states that what these diplomats debate is of no importance as long as they spend copious amounts of money. Right On!

New York was already in at a fever pitch of exaltation which permeated the city to its roots with the Yankees and the Mets winning their respective division championships within one day of each other, with baseball fans licking their chops at the prospect of another subway series. The bars and restaurants were jammed with rich foreigners and the weather was beautiful. Who needs the rest of the country anyway? We got everything we want right here!

In flew the leaders of 180 countries, each waiting for his chance at the podium. But the main action came from the tinpot, so-called non-aligned countries, already warmed up from several days of Bush- and America-bashing at their conference in Havana, ready to make an impact in the heart of the Great Satan. They arrived greased and ready to rumble. My sources, who are admittedly a bunch of inebriated lunatics that I meet in happy hour watering holes on Second Avenue, whispered darkly of shipments of contraband spinach seized from the diplomatic pouches of Iranian diplomats. Who can assert with complete assurance that airborne particles of contaminated spinach wafting from the wagons of Arab shish-kebob vendors on Sixth Avenue might not infiltrate the ventilation systems of the white shoe law firms that line that avenue, infecting attorneys and paralegals, paralyzing Wall Street litigation cases and shutting down the capitalist system? Not to mention dirty bombs lined with spinach leaves that could explode, spreading e-coli across wide areas of Lower Manhattan?

Or even the gas emitted from people who, having ingested this damnable substance in Greek diners, transmit its diabolical contamination like Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction from their backsides in closed environments like elevators or subway cars. Does FEMA have a contingency plan for inserting tubes up people’s asses and collecting the gas for burial deep beneath the Nevada desert? There’s not a moment to lose! The only solution is for former EPA chief Christie Whitman, who was shamefully derelict in her duties on the aftermath of the World Trade Center disaster, to personally test the backsides of potentially contaminated victims and distribute hazmat suits and respirators.

As for Chavez, people out there in flyover country should get a life! Americans routinely demonize anybody they don’t like. They have sent out safaris to hunt down and kill targets like Patrice Lumumba and Che Guevara, who never did a damn thing to this country, plastering photos of their corpses across the front pages of tabloid newspapers like big game trophies. This hunting and killing of people for crimes no greater than seeing things differently than us never bothers people, so why are they so thin-skinned about having a little fun poked at Bush, who wasn’t elected and who, since he assumed power, has made a complete shambles of everything except looting the treasury?

If I were Chavez, I would have gone even farther. I would have held up a cross and screamed, “Get back, Satan!” Anybody who has seen my comedy act knows I’m not kidding. Not for me the understated swill that passes for comedy these days. Shit, one time at the Mango Club on Ocean Drive in Miami Beach, I stripped down naked at the bar, put on a pair of snakeskin panties that I had bought for $2.00 in a bargain store and danced on the bar to win $500 from a German tourist, making me one of the highest paid lap dancers in South Florida. Not bad for an ugly fuck like me! If you don’t believe this, I have got my girlfriend Magpie, who was holding the money, to bear witness.

Now, there might be people out their in cyberspace who are asking themselves, why should I read anything that this nut case is writing? Well, I’ll tell you why! Because nobody ever paid Tim Russert or that mentally challenged dwarf Katy Couric $500 to dance naked on the bar in Miami Beach, that’s why! And if you don’t believe that, you better leave right now, because this blog will bring you down so much!

The only problem I have got with Chavez is that he decided befriend that abominable insult to humanity Ahmedijihad to kill the Jews in Israel. What the fuck does Chavez know about Israel or about Jews? Why doesn’t he stick to what he knows? He and that other moron are screaming bloody murder about what Israel did to Lebanon, but when Hizbollah infiltrated Israel to kill Jews, kidnap Jews, torture Jews and hold Jews for ransom nobody said shit. Maybe the next time these jokers get up to do their act, they should take a minute to explain the reason that every gun in the world is aimed at the heads of the Jews. You want your country not to be blown to smithereens? Easy, lay off the Jews, you imbeciles!

Regardless of the threats to our security, not to mention the insults to their leader, Bush, the Republicans are loath to return Ahmedijihad and Chavez to their little banana republics. They make Bush look attractive by comparison, which is no inconsiderable feat considering that even his own suckers are turning on him, and the Republicans, eager to keep them in the U.S. until the election, have booked them transcontinental speaking tours right up to election day.

So, all you folks out there in the heartland, don’t despair. You don’t have to travel all the way to New York to join in the fun. These monkeys will soon be coming to a zoo near you!

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Posted on 9/23/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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