NEW YORK CITY COURT OF CRIMINAL INSANITY!

BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye! The New York City Court of Criminal Insanity, Judge Leona Buttsley presiding, is now in session. All rise. Here come da’ judge! Here come da’ judge! Court’s in session. Court’s in session. All rise!

[Judge Buttsley enters. Climbs up to the bench and sits down. Chair makes a farting sound like a whoopee cushion]

CHAIR: Faaahhrrttt!

JUDGE: [Screams] When am I gonna’ get this chair fixed? Every time I sit down it sounds like Saturday night in the Russian Bath House!
Where’s my little dog, Titwiggle? Titwiggle, where are you my darling? Titwiggle! Titwiggle! [To Bailiff] Have you seen my little Titwiggle?

BAILIFF: No, ma’am, but I shure would like to!

JUDGE: Shut up, you jackass! Oh, here’s my little poopsie. Give mama a kiss. Get my dog some water! While you’re at it, run across the street to Junior’s and get me a bacon and egg on a roll. Tell them it’s for me. And they better not charge me if they wanna’ stay open. I’m a judge, dammit!
[Pulls out a penis pump] What the fuck is this doing in my desk?

BAILIFF: That’s from Judge Schmuckley in night court. He says it relaxes him to decide cases better.

JUDGE: Well, tell him to get his own courtroom. There’s no room in the drawer for my vibrator! Lord! It’s only ten A.M. and I’m already a bundle of nerves. I need a drink! [Pulls a bottle of whiskey out of her bag and takes a swig] Nothing like a hair of the dog that bit you, I always say. [Dog barks] Not you, my darling!
[Addresses court] You scumbags are making my little Titwiggle nervous. [To dog] There there, my little goo-goo gai-gai. Mommy will protect you.
[To court] I’m in a real bad mood today. I’m having my period and somebody took my parking space, so all you scumbags might as well go directly to jail, because that’s where you’re going anyway. [Prisoners groan] SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORONS!

CHAIR: Faaahhrrrttt!

JUDGE: Bailiff, call the first case.

BAILIFF: People versus Rose Palazzo.

DA: Defendant was standing in front of her domicile when the complainant told her, “Good morning.” Upon hearing this, the defendant smashed him in the head with a garden rake, spat on him, jumped in her SUV and ran him over and tried to shoot him with a .357 Magnum, but the gun jammed. When police arrived, she was hitting him in the head with the butt of the gun.

JUDGE: [To defendant] Is that right?

DEFENDANT: Fuck you, ya’ prick!

JUDGE: You know, I like your style. I’d like to offer you a job as head of security in one of my hotels. Case dismissed.

[Complainant jumps up. His arm and head are wrapped in a plaster cast] Your honor, I protest!

CHAIR: Faaaahhrrrrrttt!

JUDGE: [Bangs gavel] Bailiff, arrest that man! Thirty days for contempt of court. And put him in chains. I don’t want him escaping. [To complainant] Didn’t your mother teach you not to talk to strangers? Next case.

BAILIFF: People versus Mayor Michael Bloomberg.

DA: During the heat wave last July, when a hundred thousand residents of Queens were deprived of electricity for a whole week, Mayor Bloomberg didn’t even bother to visit the borough, and he praised Con Edison for doing a great job.

JUDGE: People were dying, all their food was ruined, businesses were destroyed and you didn’t even visit the area?

BLOOMBERG: The air conditioning in my limousine was broken.

JUDGE: And what is this shit about how we owe a debt of gratitude to Con Ed?

BLOOMBERG: [No response]

JUDGE: On the basis of the evidence I have before me, I find you guilty of being derelict in your duty to the people of Queens. If the Upper East Side had been hit with a one-week blackout, you would have stormed the barricades like the French Revolution.

BLOOMBERG: I think your verdict is ill-considered, your majesty.

JUDGE: Talking back is only making things worse. I am now prepared to impose sentencing. Bailiff, open Curtain Number One.

[Bailiff opens Curtain Number One]

BLOOMBERG: Why….it’s an exercise bicycle.

JUDGE: Yeah, but it’s attached to an electrical generator. Your sentence is to keep pedaling until you generate enough electricity to light up every air conditioner in Astoria.

BLOOMBERG: I object!

JUDGE: Get on the bike and start pedaling, schmucko, or I’ll see to it that you end up as filler in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation!

CHAIR: Faaaahhrrrrtttt!

[Bloomberg gets on the exercise bike and starts pedaling]

JUDGE: Next case!

BAILIFF: People versus Tim McGreevey, Governor of New Jersey.

DA: Your honor, while Governor McGreevey’s wife was giving birth to his first child, he was busy getting fucked in the ass by an Israeli spy in a toilet on the New Jersey Tunpike.

JUDGE: How do you plead?

MCGREEVEY: Your honor, I am a gay American.

JUDGE: To me you look like a degenerate sodomite. You like dicks up the ass?

MCGREEVEY: Well, every once in a while, if it’s lubricated.

JUDGE: Then you’re going to love this! Bailiff, open Curtain Number Two.

CHAIR: Faaaahhhhhrrrrttt!

[Bailiff opens Curtain Number Two and reveals Osama Bin Ladin]

JUDGE: Governor McGreevey, I sentence you to get fucked in the ass by Bin Ladin so many times that your butt is busted open like the Holland Tunnel at rush hour.

BIN LADIN: After all these years in the desolate mountainous regions of Pakistan with just a goat for sexual companionship, I now have a gay America to sodomize. Rest confidant, your butt will be the object of a vigorous jihad. You will be my wife.

MCGREEVEY: Thank you your honor, I have always dreamed of being raped by a forceful bearded villain in a long robe.

JUDGE: Oh, shut up, you swine!

CHAIR: Next case.

BAILIFF: People versus Mel Gibson.

DA: Mel Gibson stood out in the middle of the Pacific Coast Highway and screamed out “Fuck the Jews!” at the top of his voice. He made a movie portraying the Jews as insidious Christ killers and condemned the Jews as being responsible for all the wars in the world.

JUDGE: How do you plead?

MEL GIBSON: Not guilty on the basis of my First Amendment freedom of expression, your excellency.

JUDGE: Yeah, except the First Amendment doesn’t count for shit in my courtroom. Inciting racial hatred in a country composed of minorities is a recipe for national self-destruction. Plus the fact that I’m Jewish.

MEL GIBSON: I protest. You are a disgrace to the criminal justice system.

JUDGE: Coming from a stinking nazi scumbag like you, that’s a badge of honor. I pronounce you guilty as charged.

CHAIR: Faaaaaaahhhrrrrrtttt!

JUDGE: Bailiff, open Curtain Number Three.

[Bailiff opens Curtain Number Three, revealing Russell Crowe holding a cell phone]

JUDGE: See, we got your Aussie compadre, with his weapon of choice, a nice heavy telephone. New York doesn’t have capital punishment, so I can’t sentence you to death, but I hereby order Russell Crowe to bust your fuckin’ nazi skull with his electric boomerang.
And just to liven things up, we got a special mystery guest, Naomi Campbell with her cell phone. So these two maniacs are going to give you the New York City asskicking you so richly deserve.
You two, FUCK HIM UP!

[Russell Crowe and Naomi Campbell attack Mel Gibson and beat his head to a pulp, using their cell phones.

MEL GIBSON: Owww! Oooooh! Ohhhh!

JUDGE: [Addressing court] Well, my little Titwiggle is tired, and it’s time for her nap. So the rest of you morons can go back to Rikers until I’m good and ready to convict you.

CHAIR: Faaaaahhhrrrrrtttt!

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Posted on 9/17/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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