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So what if the upcoming ABC miniseries about 9/11 doesn’t exactly conform to historical reality. What did you expect from ABC TV, which is owned by The Walt Disney Company? These are the same geniuses that were going to serve us up Mel Gibson’s rendering of the Holocaust that portrayed Hitler as the innocent victim of the scheming Jew bankers.
Who cares if the script is a patch-up job that they made up as they went along. What do you think, that these guys are geniuses? No, they’re Hollywood writers, who are more concerned with putting coke up their noses and screwing Hollywood starlets that they meet at parties than sitting home like monks and reading every page of the government commission report. Anyway, knowing the facts might have actually messed them up if they were instructed, as seems likely, by ABC executives to portray Clinton as a moron to keep the Republicans happy.
My problem is, given the tools at their disposal, Disney did not go nearly far enough in making a satirical farce out of 9/11. The actual fact of the event was tragic enough, but the sanctimonious handkerchief wringing of society has reached toxic levels of gaseousness that make me afraid to turn on the TV. By doing what they do best, creating nonsense, The Disney Company could have produced a heartwarming little world of 9/11, with cute little forest creatures scampering through the World Trade Center complex while the airliners crashed into the twin towers.
The following is this writers scenario for an animated Disney feature about 9/11, called:
BAMBI FINDS HER MOTHER IN THE RUBBLE!
It begins in the mountains of Afganistan, where Osama Bin Ladin, the Grinch Who Stole Ramadan, is flying around on his magic flying carpet from “The Thief of Baghdad.”
“It’s high time that evil ruled the world,” he declares, twinkling his moustache with a malevolent gleam in his eye.
Jiminy Cricket appears as a little devil on Bin Ladin’s shoulder. “Why don’t you infect the world with anthrax?” he suggests. On his other shoulder appears O.J. Simpson. “Let’s do it the old-fashioned way and cut them up with knives!”
Bin Ladin decides to convene his advisory council, Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. The gang’s leader, Captain Hook, suggests, “Let’s take my flying pirate ship and crash it into the Universal Theme park in Orlando. That will teach America the power of evil.
Porky Pig raises his hand. “I h-h-have and idea. M-me and the Three Little Pigs will hijack some airliners and crash them into the World Trade Center. T-that will make the world stand up and take notice.”
Bin Ladin stroked his beard and thought for a minute. “You know, I like that. Thousands of Crusaders and Zionists would explode. I kind of dig it.” He instructed Porky Pig, “Take the Three Little Pigs, the Wicked Wolf, and Captain Hook. Go to the States and enroll in flight school. There you can learn how to crash airliners.
“And if you see Bambi’s mother, kill her.”
Bambi, in the meantime, is searching for her mother in the woods. She goes up to Smokey the Bear and asks, “Have you seen my mother?”
Smokey says, “I saw some hunters shoot her and tie her to the head of their car.”
“Omigod! They killed my mother!”
“I think they just grazed her. If you hurry you might be able to rescue her. The car had New York license plates.” Bambi runs onto the highway and hitches a ride on a tractor-trailer going to New York.
In the meantime, The Seven Dwarfs, Schmucky, Dorky, Putzy, Snarky, Giulani and Maricony, are gathered in the House of Representatives to vote Articles of Impeachment against President Bill Clinton. Putzy the Dwarf addresses the assembled legislators:
“This Clinton has gone too far already. The country’s at peace and the economy is booming. If we let Clinton continue, the American people are going to get used to living in a civilized society and the Republicans will never get back in power. We have to get rid of him now, so we can let the demons of ‘Fantasia’ into the treasury to loot all that money.
“Otherwise, Clinton will pass a national health plan, and all the insurance executives will have to own smaller yachts so that (gasp!) black people can have medical benefits!” All the assembled dwarfs threw up their hands in horror at this prospect.
“Fortunately, we have got the goods on this prick, Clinton. I have here in my hands dirty photos of Clinton in the Oval Office, engaging in unspeakable sexual perversions with Cinderella and the 101 Dalmatians.”
The assembled dwarfs shield their eyes with their hands, opening their fingers just wide enough to see the photos. “Omigod, the swine!”
“He’s giving it to her right in the Seat of Government.”
“So here’s the plan,” continues Putzy. “We impeach Clinton and replace him with Dopey, over there.”
All the dwarfs turn to Dopey, who is sitting on a stool with a duncecap on his head, reading “My Pet Goat.” Upside down. “Dopey will do anything we tell him.”
Dopey jumps up, yelling, “That’s not fair. I’ve got my own ideas, like invading Iraq and declaring war on France!”
“Thank you, Dopey. Now, everybody in favor of our plan, raise your hand.”
All the dwarfs raise their hands.
Meantime, Porky Pig and The Three Little Pigs enroll in the Heartland Flying School. Porky tells the instructor, “W-we don’t care about taking off or landing. We don’t even care about flying.
“A-all we care about is crashing planes into buildings.”
The instructor says, “Let me get back to you on that.” He calls his local law enforcement officer and tells him, “I think I’ve got some potential terrorists at my school.”
The local agent called Washington and speaks to the counter terrorism officer, Goofy. He tells Goofy, “There’s little porkers here who want to fly planes into buildings.”
Goofy responds, “Don’t bother me. We’re busy trying to impeach that prick Clinton for a blow job. That takes priority.”
When Bambi’s mother wakes up, she’s tied to the hood of a car traveling down the Henry Hudson Parkway in Manhattan. She quickly chews through the rope and escapes into Riverside Park, the driver of the car, Dick Cheney, chasing her and shooting off a shotgun. As he blasts away, he screams, “You dwatted wabbit! I’ll get you yet!”
One of the crows from “Song of the South,” who happens to be sitting on a park bench and smoking a cigar, tells Cheney, That ain’t no rabbit. That’s a deer.”
Cheney turns and, wildly pointing his shotgun at the crow, said menacingly, “We are an empire, and reality is whatever we say it is. I said that was a wabbit. You got a pwoblem with that?”
“No, boss.”
Cheney runs away, chasing and firing his shotgun at Bambi’s mother. The little doe runs as far as she can until, weak from loss of blood, she collapses. Just as she is about to pass out, a vision appears before her. It’s Peter Pan, who says, “Little doe, I will not abandon you in your hour of need. This pixie dust will heal your wound and give you the strength to find your child. Just go down to the Staten Island Ferry, and when you get to Staten Island, look for the Cartoon Animals Shelter. They’ll get you home safely.”
So Bambi’s mother, using the bicycle path adjacent to the West Side Highway, starts down toward Battery Park.
Soon after, Bambi, having had a harrowing crossing of the George Washington Bridge, where she almost got squashed into road kill in several instances, finds herself at the same bench in Riverside Park where Dick Cheney had tried to kill his mother.
As before, the black crow from “Song of the South” is sitting there smoking his cigar. The crow says to the doe, “I say, I say there, my dear girl! You wouldn’t by any chance be trying to locate the other deer who just passed by here?”
“I’m searching for my mother,” said Bambi.
“Well, beware of a stupid white man with a shotgun. This guy is totally berserk.” And the crow flies away.
“Thanks for the advice, Mr. Crow,” says Bambi, who scampers into the bushes.
The Republicans succeed at getting Clinton thrown out of office, and they replace him with Dopey, who puts a sign on his desk in the Oval Office reading “The Schmuck Stops Here.” When Scooby Doo rushes to tell him of a plot to crash airliners into skyscrapers, Dopey flies into a rage, screaming, “I don’t swat flies. Tell me, did you pour all the French wine into the sewer?”
“Yes, chief.”
“Did you clean all the money out of the treasury like I told you?”
“We’re working on it.”
“That’s not good enough. Get Larry Brown and FEMA down there and tell them to get all the money out. Cheney and I are going to do a white glove inspection, and there better not be one penny for the Democrats to use for social programs, or I’m going to personally put a bucket in their hands and transfer them to New Orleans.”
At that moment, Porky Pig and The Three Little Pigs board an airliner at Newark Airport. The plane is piloted by Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. As they take off, Mickey says to Donald, “I have a hot date with Minnie, and she promised me that she’s going to give me some mouse pussy.”
“Quack!”
Once the airplane is in the air, The Little Pigs swarm into the cabin. “Allah Akbar!” they cried. “We are the troops of Osama Bin Ladin, and we are taking command of this airplane to crash it into the World Trade Center.”
“What do you hope to achieve by doing that?” asks Mickey.
“Our imam promised us each 69 sows and all the garbage we can eat for eternity.”
“Well, you can suit yourselves. But me and Donald are getting out of here,” and Mickey and Donald bail out with parachutes.
On the ground, Bambi and her mother catch sight of each other just as the buildings explode above them.
“Mama!” cries Bambi.
“Bambi!” cries her mother. They embrace just as the towers start to crumble, only to be saved by Clifford, The Big Red Dog, who carries them to the Staten Island Ferry, from whence they are able to return to their home in the forest, and all the little animals throw a party in their honor.
THE END
If you thing that this is the stupidest, most nauseating story you have ever read, wait until the real Disney 9/11 movie airs on ABC. That movie, with many scenes that everybody, even the producers, admit are complete fabrications, sounds like a Republican campaign commercial showing the Democrats as a bunch of idiots, punctuated by a speech from Bush right in the middle of the show.
So! Which movie is stupider, mine or Disney’s? Let history decide.
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Posted on 9/10/2006
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