A-ROD'S MYSTERY ILLNESS!

What is going on with the Yankees and the Mets? Both teams are doing fantastic, and meanwhile the players are behaving like a bunch of lunatics.

First, Hideki Matsui sits down on his hand and breaks his wrist. Out for the whole season! Then A-Rod turns into a total spastic (oh, excuse me, a challenged person). He can’t hit, he can’t field and he can’t throw.

A-Rod, there, should go out to Chicago with Juan Contreras. The whole time Contreras was in New York he couldn’t throw the ball over the plate. Maybe Steinbrenner scared the hell out of him. Maybe he just couldn’t handle New York. It’s been known to happen.

So he got the luckiest break of his life – he got traded to Chicago, where a cultural afternoon is taking your boat out on Lake Michigan for a day of drinking and smoking reefer with 10,000 other maniacs. When Juan Contreras got to Chicago he said, “Now I can play baseball.” And he became a fantastic pitching star, helping Chicago to the World Series Championship for the first time in 80 years.

Meantime, back in New York, A-Rod is tying his shoelaces together. Things are so bad that yesterday he popped out and they almost gave him The Medal of Honor because he sent a run home.

If that isn’t enough, now you got Paul LoDuca of the Mets who, it turns out, has got a girl in every city and they’re coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches for the publicity. The last one to emerge works at an OTB in Philadelphia where he met her when he was betting on the races. That should sure help his reputation at MLB, where they’re already all over his ass for betting.

LoDuca’s wife, who is a Playboy bunny, is divorcing him for adultery even though Texas is a no-fault state. What is she hoping to accomplish? What else, publicity! And the girl from the betting parlor, and the other one from Long Island, what do they hope to get out of this, a movie contract?

Now that sucking baseball players’ dicks is becoming the Stairway to Heaven for all these fantastic dolls, I wish I would’ve spent more time in the batting cage.

We have The New York Post to thank for all this hysteria. By the time the girl comes out of the nightclub toilet with the sperm still dripping from her mouth, The Post has got a reporter with an Instamatic camera to record all the gory details.

On top of everything else, Randy Johnson’s illegitimate daughter comes out in, what else, The Post, and bitches, “He promised me a car and he never gave it to me, the prick!”

This is the ugliest kid imaginable, and to make matters worse she dresses like the gang that shot up Columbine, so Johnson hid his head in the sand, though he did come up to reach 4,500 strikeouts, but I said at the beginning that these jokers are having a fantastic year.

Except for A-Rod. Now it turns out that he told an interviewer he’s been playing with an undisclosed injury all year, and everybody’s going nuts trying to figure out what it is.

I know what it is. When the Yankees played the Mets in the subway series earlier this year, A-Rod went into the toilet just as LoDuca was coming out, and now he’s got crabs.

Tags:   None

© All rights reserved.

Posted on 8/15/2006 ( Permanent Link )
Read 493 Times
 Send to Friend