MEL GIBSON'S JEW PARADE!

Hi folks! This is Mel Gibson live at the San Diego Zoo. You know, a lot of people come up to me in bars and ask me, “Mel, how come you don’t like Jews?”

Well, nothing could be farther from the truth. Not only do I like Jews – I collect ‘em. That’s why I spent $250 million of my own money to build this authentic Jewish habitat at The San Diego Zoo.

So come with me as we explore the wonderful, wacky world of the Jewish people on MEL GIBSON’S JEW PARADE!

My assistant this week is Heinrich Müller of Paraguay. Heinrich, yours is not a typically Paraguayan name.

“No, mein family immigrated to South America after Vorld Var II, vere ve vent back into the family business of manufacturing lampshades.”

Is that where you became interested in Jewish people?

“Vell, you know, it’s the same as with any vild animal. You can’t show fear or they’ll tear you apart.”

Exactly! Now folks, just one word of caution. The Jews in this habitat are cute, but always keep in mind that like wild animals, you have to treat them with caution. Don’t get too close to the cage. And be careful if you’re wearing jewelry because they’re apt to attack if they see anything that resembles gold or silver.

Now, here we have our Holy Land habitat. One of our stuntmen, who is dressed as Jesus, is entering the cage. Wow, look at the attack! They’re ripping Jesus to shreds. It sort of reminds you of a school of piranha fish. Fortunately, our Jesus is dressed in protective body armor and he’s been trained to withstand all the brutal assaults that the Jews can throw at him. Kids, don’t try this at home!

Next is our New York habitat. These are your peaceful, domesticated Jews, and as you can see, they’re all sitting around in easy chairs and reading The New York Times.

Now here are your Jewish comedians in a comedy club setting. These Jews spend most of their time stealing each other’s material, so they’re not even likely to notice your presence, but don’t heckle during their act, because Jewish comedians can turn particularly vicious when they are provoked.

Here is our Stock Market environment. Watch what happens when I take a dollar out of my pocket. If it weren’t for the inch-thick iron bars on the cage, all of our lives would be in danger from the stampeding herd of Jews trying to get their hands on this money. Lookit,’ they’re fighting each other to get their arms between the bars. Now I put the dollar back in my pocket and they immediately stop fighting and go back to trading stocks and bonds. Sort of like seagulls, or should I say “Segals” ha-ha!

“Say, Mel, what about this cage? How come this guy’s all alone?”

Oh, that’s the Israeli. I don’t know. He’s a bad one. I haven’t decided what to do about him.
This is our Beverly Hills Jewish habitat. See how well groomed and beautifully attired are the Jews of Beverly Hills, while some Aryans in this country can’t even scrape together bus fare? Well, no matter…

“Vell, back in my country ve haff a saying, ‘Be nice to ze people you meet on ze vay up, because you meet ze same people on ze vay down. Say, Mel, you see that blonde Jewess lounging around the pool mit ze Brazilian bikini? Vell, mit her beautiful skin, she vould make a fantastische lampshade.”

There you go again, Heinrich! Now, folks, what do you need after a hard day of lounging around the pool? Why showers, naturally! So now the Jews will all line up at the shower, and Heinrich here will tell them what showers to go to.

“Dis the part I like best!”

Well, that’s all for today. Remember, this show’s all in fun. I thank the Lord for all my Jewish friends, and I thank him every day in my prayers that I am lucky enough to live in a great country of such diversity.

Be sure to tune in next week when we travel to France for The Jewish Tour de France, where Jewish bicyclists on pre-war bikes race a German panzer division over the Pyrenees to try to get to the Spanish border.

And don’t forget to see my new movie “Apocalypto”, where the Jews invade Mexico.

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Posted on 8/3/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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