A Poke in a Pig

New York Post
July 13, 2006

A Russian farmer has e-mailed President
Vladimir Putin seeking permission to marry
a cow - the four-legged variety.
"All the girls have left our small
village and moved to the city, so I
cannot find a woman to be with. But I
see the solution to the problem," he wrote Putin.
"I love animals very much and want to
ask when we will be allowed in Russia to
marry domestic animals, such as cows."

This sounds like a promising concept, especially for countries like China and India, where female children are being phased out through the use of ultrasound. Instead of exchanging livestock for a wife, you just cut out the middleman and just marry the livestock.

Here in the west, where women are growing increasing problematic, marrying domestic animals would just institutionalize a mode of behavior that has been going on for a long time anyway. As a backwoods fellow from Appalachia once confided to me, "Doing it to a sheep is just like doing it to a woman. The only difference is that you have to run around to the other side to kiss her."

Marriages are often messy, and when marital infidelity raises its ugly head the resulting deception can be devastating, particularly when the rival for your bride's affection turns out to be a dog or a horse. Imagine returning home with an armful of roses for your beloved only to find her rutting in the barnyard with a pomeranian, and not even a purebred, but one of those trashy streetcorner dogs with no pedigree, who just hang around licking their scrotum all day (hell, if I could do that, then all of this would be academic) when they should be out working as a seeing-eye dog or a narc.

When it comes to the divorce, dividing community property could be a ferocious process if your spouse is an actual pig, who are known for their savage behavior. The way to get around that would be to get her to sign a prenuptial agreement. Since most pigs have a very tenuous grip on English, you could probably get her to sign a document that would be very advantageous to your interests, unless the animal rights lobby decides that she is being done out of her fair share. So be sure she is marrying you for love and not to get her hooves into the family farm.

All these unforseen consequences beg the question: why marry the cow when you can get the milk for free? Interspecies marriage isn't for everyone, and maybe a co-habitation arrangement is the most prudent solution for everyone concerned.

That way if your darling is not living up to your expectations, you can just cook her and eat her, with nobody the wiser.

"Hey Joe, what happened to your girlfriend Daisy?"

"I grilled her on the barbecue with Southern Comfort Sauce."

"WHAT??!!! You monster! How could you do such a thing?"

"I was hungry."

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