MADONNA'S TEA PARTY

WE NOW TAKE YOU TO MADONNA'S NEW ANCESTRAL HOME IN SCOTLAND, SCHMUCKMORAL CASTLE, WHERE SHE HAS INVITED HER OLD FRIEND, SANDRA BERNHARDT, FOR HIGH TEA:

SANDRA BERNHARDT: When you invited me to High Tea, I thought you had something really good to smoke!

MADONNA: Oh no, my dear, the lady of the manor can't allow herself to be defined by such low proclivities.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Hey, what are those in your mouth, Chicklets?

MADONNA: No, they're smooth stones. I find if I talk with a mouthful of rocks, it really helps mah-velously in cultivating the right British accent, don't you agree?

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Oh yeah! The Rain in Spain and all that shit. Well, just keep falling off your horse, baby, and maybe you'll knock all your teeth out. That should help.

MADONNA: I daresay!

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Long as you don't end up with your ass in a sling like Christopher Reeve.

MADONNA Oh, le pauvre! That's French, ya know. Every day I say a prayer for Christopher Reeve when I do my kabbalah. I'm Jewish, you know.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: You don't say!

MADONNA: Yes, dah-ling! When I do my "Like a Prayer" number I've got the cutest little dancing rabbis.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Did you ever think of shaving your head and having sex through a hole in the sheet?

MADONNA: Don't be coarse, dah-ling. How would I know for sure who's on the other side? How do you like my castle?

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Pretty cool. It's a far cry from when you used to crash on a cum-stained mattress in Corona. But it's so biggggg! How do you get around all these rooms?

MADONNA: That's where the horses come in. Incidentally, will you be riding to the hounds with us on Sunday?

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Wow! You're a regular Ivanhoe!

MADONNA: As long as you don't pronounce it Ivan-HO'.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: How are your lovely children?

MADONNA: Well, as you know, I'm a strict disciplinarian.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: I heard that.

MADONNA: I don't want them to turn out like I did.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Good point! Where did you learn to be so strict?

MADONNA: When I was married to Sean Penn, he used to tie me to a chair and whip me.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: That's a good school.

MADONNA: We have to get back to traditional values. I'm a Republican, you know. And I'm researching my geneology to find out if I'm descended from the original Mayflower puritans.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: I thought that was pilgrims.

MADONNA: Whatever....

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Sounds to me like you got all the bases covered. Say, the father of your daughter Lourdes is starring on Broadway.

MADONNA: I always knew the boy had talent. All he needed was a little wind in his poop.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: Is that a nautical term?

MADONNA: I'll have to invite you onto my yacht, The Virgin Queen.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: I figured it was only a matter of time until we got around to the Queen. Have you been invited to Buckingham Palace yet?

MADONNA: Not yet, but I had an audience with the Pope. We discussed the kabbalah. I tried to talk him into converting to Judaism, but he told me at his age there's not enough left to circumsize. I'm hoping that if I make enough money on my world tour the Queen will knight me, or whatever it's called when you're a woman.

SANDRA BERNHARDT: You mean the whole ceremony, where you get down on your knee and she smacks you with the sword?

MADONNA: Well, look at it this way, all the time I used to spend on my knees in New York when I was young, this way I might as well get something out of it, too.

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Posted on 4/17/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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