O FATSO MIO!

I told my girlfriend, Magpie, that she needed to start greasing her butt with Vaseline so she could fit through the revolving door at Macy’s, and she smacked me.


Women’s butts in New York are expanding at a fantastic rate, and I feel it has something to do with E=MC2 and the expanding universe. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily. A fat butt helps female snowboarders like Kelly Clark get more thrust to do spins. Also, from the male standpoint, it presents a larger target for other kinds of thrust. But it ain’t too esthetically pleasing, unless you’re an aficionado of Botero’s sculptures. Let’s face it, in the “sex appeal” category, and that’s where the money is, the streamlined European models are beating our girls hands down.


You’ve heard of the Arms Race? Well, this is the Butt Race. We need to mobilize our nation’s resources to get our women’s butts down to the size where they don’t create a vacuum effect each time they pass through the Lincoln Tunnel. Our nation’s infrastructure is suffering from the strain of all these fat butts destabilizing our bridges! Women of America, I implore you! Stop stuffing yourself with Cheez Doodles and Snickers bars. You are displacing too much volume! The girls in my gym know they have a problem. That is why they outnumber the men by a ratio of 100:1. But they only represent a minuscule portion of the female population at large.


Don’t get me wrong. American men aren’t too freakin’ fantastic either. But checking out men’s backsides is not my job. There are enough guys in New York happy to do that. I am here to inspect women’s bodies, and I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of the challenge. Oh, I used to be fat, but I took off a couple hundred kilos and now I can almost fit into my Santa suit. I used to be so fat, I went for a physical and my blood type came back “Ragú.” Peeping Toms would reach in my window and pull down the shade. When I took a bath, I didn’t leave a ring around the tub – I left stretch marks. But I got a grip on myself, and now I have a target date of 2010 when I’ll be able to find my pecker without the use of a periscope.


I realize it’s unfashionable to criticize fat people, especially since they're the majority, but it’s getting harder and harder to move around midtown because of the gridlock caused by huge, blubbery butts taking up all the space on the sidewalk. I saw a cop giving a woman a ticket because she didn’t have a red flag attached to her butt. Levis is coming out with a line of relaxed fit jeans with “WIDE LOAD” stenciled across the back. Also, you can’t get a seat on the subway because of all the people who need one seat for each cheek. The Staten Island ferry has cops to distribute the fat people equally on the boat for fear they’ll all crowd onto one side and cause it to tip over.


Even the Statue of Liberty has been put on a diet because there’s no room left in New York Harbor for the Queen Mary.

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Posted on 1/29/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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