ELECTION NIGHT IN CANADA

“Welcome to Election Night in Canada, live from the Molson Centre in Montreal, where a capacity crowd of thirty million fans is excitedly awaiting the beginning of the game. I’m Scotty Labatt and my partner here for tonight is Quebec color commentator Lucien Brador.”


“Hi dere, folks!” “


As the teams make their way onto the ice, I’d like to point out some rules changes for tonight’s match. First of all, instead of two teams playing, we have four teams and one guy, André Arthur, who will be playing with himself because no team wants him.


“Second, instead of a hockey puck the teams will be batting around a hot potato, which should make for an interesting game as it melts the ice and the players start falling over each other.


“The third, and most important rule change, is that all the rules have been suspended and there are no rules. That should really shake things up, folks! Expect a lot of iceing, high-sticking, body slamming and outright brawls as the four teams and one single bloke go for broke in their attempt to wrestle control of one of the world’s wealthiest countries. Isn’t that right, Lucien?”


“Dat’s right, Scotty. Dis is da big game that Canadians have been sharpening dere skates for since Jean Chrétien retired. Anybody who tink Canadians are peaceful people never saw that clip of Chrétien slugging the reporter. The big difference between us and our neighbors in the States is, rather than shoot a man from a distance of one kilometer, we like to get up close to our victim.”


“Incidentally, we’d like to welcome our American viewers to the game tonight. We know how important our elections are to our neighbors to the south.”


“Yeah, right!”


“Now all the players are assembled on the ice. Paul Martin, the Liberal captain, is saluting Stephen Harper, the Conservative leader.”


“Is that what he’s doing, Scotty? I never saw a guy salute with just one finger.”


“He’s just showing Harper where he can hang his Alberta cowboy hat.”


“Thanks for clearing that up.”


“Now our national anthem will be sung by Avril Lavigne.”


O Canada we stand on guard for thee
Six-pack of beer and smoke a joint of tea….


“That was certainly inspirational. Now the face-off. Martin hits the puck to Pettigrew, who is checked by Layton. He passes, but it’s intercepted by Olivia Chow, who skates to center ice where she’s hit from behind by Tory MP Rosa Ambrose. They throw their gloves off and start throwing punches.


“Conservative coach Brian Mulroney is yelling from the sidelines for Harper to swing around and get the puck. He sees that the Liberal goaltender, Stéphane Dion, has left the goal wide open to join the fight.


"Harper skates up, grabs the puck, makes it down to the Liberals’ net and SCORES! That makes it 1-0 for the Conservatives. Meanwhile, Quebec radio announcer André Arthur is skating back and forth down the ice screaming, 'Passe-moi le puck, hostie!'"


“Dat guy’s crazy! Everybody thinks Garneau’s an astronaut, but André Arthur was in outer space since before he was born. In fact, we’re building him his own rocket that only goes one way, so he don’t come back!”


“Now the camera’s showing the crowd, that’s going crazy. The whole country’s here, including a lot of fucks who immigrated to the States and forgot what we did for them. Like Jim Carrey, and fucking Dean, dere.”


“Incidentally, all the fans got one of those useless Canadian flags that you can’t do anything with, so they’re waving them around like crazy, and the whole arena is a sea of red. Except for the Quebec contingent, who don’t know what to do with theirs, so they’re sewing them into backless thong panties for the women. Monica Lewinsky, eat your heart out!”


“Now the face-off! Governor General Michaëlle Jean grabs the puck and skates toward the Conservatives’ goal, but she’s stopped at the blue line by Laureen Harper, who’s smashed against the boards by Joe Clark.”


“I thought he was dead!”


“Maybe he is, but it’s our national game you’re talking about here. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Trudeau show up to play…!”


“Or at least Margaret Trudeau!”


“Anyway, hockey or politics, it’s just a game. Come July First, we’re all one team!”

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Posted on 1/27/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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