THE NEW YORK TIMES’ VAGINA

I swore that I was going to stop reading The Sunday New York Times, but I am temporarily glad I went back on my promise.

The Times Magazine of January 1 ran a cover story on the vagina, which is a subject I posted in this blog only a couple of days prior, wherein I paid tribute to the one Paris Hilton carries between her creamy, tender thighs.

The Times story, though it is lamer and more clinical in nature (really, The Times are a bunch of stiffs), describes that charming region in, excuse me, more depth, celebrating its various component portals and the latest surgical techniques available for its cosmetic enhancement.

In this case, I am compelled to compliment that journalistic organ for finally covering a topic of urgent immediacy to me, though I would like to remind readers to this blog that I once again beat The Times to the punch.

The vagina is a subject that bears a lot more scrutiny than it has been getting, especially in these days of “Brokeback Mountain,” where men’s butts have been getting all the attention.

I CALL UPON YOU, MEN OF AMERICA, TO FORGET ABOUT EACH OTHER’S BACKSIDES and focus upon that gift from God that is our universal patrimony (or is it matrimony?)! As no less an authority than Chairman Mao once observed, “Women hold up half the sky.” One trillion Chinese can’t be wrong, right?

Without the pussy there would be no life! We need to fall down to our knees, face it directly and offer it tribute for all the profound meaning it has contributed to our existence.

I, for one, have never met a vagina I didn’t like. I came out of one and I have been trying to get back in ever since. I celebrate it so much, I even have a little party hat I wear when I get invited in. When I see one go by, I stand up and salute it like Anthony saluted Cleopatra!

O Vagina Mia, please accept this offering of my devotion! I long to embrace thee with tenderness. Let me introduce you to my little red-headed friend who is dying to meat you!

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Posted on 1/3/2006 ( Permanent Link )
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