EYE CONTACT

One of the most maddening aspects of life in politically correct New York is Eye Contact.

These days everybody is reaching out to touch someone. Bush said he looked into Putin’s eyes and “saw his soul.”

Frankly, I’m not buying it. Putin, a former officer in Russia’s intelligence service, would never have survived all that spying and politics if he had been so transparent. He is too cagey to allow anybody to discern his interior thought processes.

Formerly, people went to great lengths to avoid any kind of eye contact. The only people who did it were nut jobs like Charles Manson.

Now every fat man expects you to gaze lovingly into his eyes while he explains you the intimate details of his wife’s hemorrhoid operation.

My girlfriend Magpie is constantly berating me for not giving her eye contact when she is trying to explain me the high cost of eye mascara.

My last boss, an imbecilic twit if ever there was one, constantly nagged me to look into his eyes. This guy was the biggest thief and scheming bastard in the world. He was trying to figure out my thinking so he could get an edge on me. It turns out that on top of all the other sleazy stuff he was trying to pull on me, he had forged my signature on articles of incorporation for one of his crooked tax-dodge business entities because he couldn’t find any other suckers who wanted to be officers. I received a Notice of Deficiency from the tax department for $20,000 in back payroll taxes that he owes. I ratted him out for identity theft, fraud, forgery and filing a false instrument. As soon as he gets convicted in criminal court, I intend to go after him for civil damages.

Yeah, Eye Contact. Right!

Looking into the eyes of a New Yorker is one of the last things I want to do. You discern a higher intelligence by looking into the eyes of a sheep dog.

And, unlike New Yorkers, the dog will have the decency to look away.

We could achieve more sincerity and depth of human communication if we strove for more Butt Contact.

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Posted on 12/29/2005 ( Permanent Link )
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