THE THREE JIHADIS: Abdul, Mohammed and Curley Sayyed

Recently it was revealed that a defense contractor, The Lincoln Group, was paid $25 million to develop propaganda to be disseminated in Iraq. One of the themes they proposed, a terrorist version of “The Three Stooges,” was rejected by the Pentagon. Using the Freedom of Information Act, this writer was able to obtain a copy of the script.

SCENARIO: Curly Sayyed is at the kitchen table stuffing explosives in the body of a dead dog.

CURLEY: Let’s see. An artillery shell, three hand grenades, two sticks of dynamite, a box of bullets. [Reaches for pepper shaker] Don’t forget the gunpowder, nyuk nyuk! And one cup of napalm. Now all it needs is a timer.
[Winds up an egg timer and throws it in] Thatsa’ spicy meatball!
[Starts sewing the dog up, singing]
I’m singing in Bahrain
I’m friends with Hussein

[Mohammed calls from the other room]

MOE: Saddam! Here boy, come to papa! Where is that damned dog? Curley, have you seen my dog Saddam?

CURLEY: [Frightened] No, Moe!

MOE: What are you doing in there?

CURLEY: Nothing, Moe! [To dog] I gotta’ put you away. I’ll get back to you later!

[Curley grabs dog off table, runs over to the closet and opens the door. Closet is filled with bound and gagged hostages.]

HOSTAGES: Mmmph! Mmmph!

CURLEY: Sorry, folks! [Slams door]

[Curley runs over to the microwave oven, throws dead dog in microwave and closes door just as Mohammed walks in the room. ]

MOE: I said, What are you doing in here?

CURLEY: I was just getting ready to make a bomb.

MOE: Well, that can wait. Come into the living room. I want to show you my latest invention.

[They walk into the living room. ]

MOE: Well, how do you like it?

CURLEY: What is it?

/>MOE: What do you mean, what is it, you stinking offspring of an imperialist pig? It’s an Osama Bin Laden doll for the kids to play with. Do I gotta’ explain you everything, you moron?

CURLEY: Oh, it’s so cute! It’s even got the little beard and everything!

MOE: Yeah, and it’s got the little kalashnikov. And when you press the re-dial button on your cell phone it blows up, and you got the little puddles of fake plastic blood and everything!

CURLEY: Moe, you’re a genius!

MOE: Well, I didn’t get a Masters Degree in Engineering from The University of Riyadh for nothing!

[Abdul walks in.]

ABDUL: Sorry I’m late, boys. My bus got run over by a tank. Look what I got for us.

CURLEY: Matching suicide belts! I want the green one!

MOE: Just hold on, there. I get the green one ‘cause I’m the boss.

CURLEY: Who made you the boss?

MOE: Oh, a wiseguy, eh!

[Mohammed pulls out a rocket launcher and fires it at Curley, who goes flying out the window. Explosion is heard. Curley crawls back in the window, all messed up.]

MOE: Now who’s the boss!?

CURLEY and ABDUL: You are, Moe.

MOE: All right! Now, where’s my dog Saddam? [Walks back in kitchen] Saddam, boy! Saddam!

[Curley rushes in and gets between Mohammed and the microwave oven.]

MOE: Hey, what’s going on here? What have you got in the microwave?

CURLEY: [Frantic] It’s a surprise! I was just getting ready to fix it.

MOE: Oh, a surprise, eh! Well, let’s cook it and find out what it is.

CURLEY: Moe, NOOOOO!

[Mohammed reaches around Curley and pushes the button on the microwave. The whole place explodes, with rockets and bullets whizzing around. When the smoke clears, the place is a shambles. The Three Jihadis are standing in the rubble with their clothes torn to shreds and soot all over their faces.]

MOE: [To Curley] What was in that oven?

CURLEY: [Like a moron] I forgggget!

MOE: You forget! Well, here’s something to help you remember!

[Moe starts chasing Curley around, firing a machine gun. Curley runs around in circles, jumping up and down to dodge bullets.]

CURLEY: Whoop! Whoop!
[Scene fades as the theme music plays.]
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Posted on 12/12/2005 ( Permanent Link )
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