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JACK: Why Ennis, them there are some fine-looking hip boots you got there!
ENNIS: I got them at Victoria’s Secret in Dodge City. They’re the perfect fashion accessory for butt-wrangling ol’ Toro The Bull. Here, let me show you. I just put ol’ Toro’s hind legs in with mine, and that way he can’t run away while I’m boffing him.
OL’ TORO: Mooooo!
ENNIS: See, it’s the same as doin’ it with you. Only difference is, I got to run around the other side to kiss ‘im!
JACK: Say, have you seen my Indian-beaded g-string panties?
ENNIS: I had to loan them to Ol’ Pinkie so’s he could take the buckboard into Tombstone. He’s pickin’ us up a load of Chardonnay.
JACK: I think I see him now. Howdy, Pinky!
PINKY: Geez, am I glad to see you guys! We got to go and rescue Frenchie! Dos Cojones has tied him to the railroad tracks and the 6:15 out of Wichita is due any minute!
ENNIS: There’s not a minute to lose! Let me finish puttin’ on my mascara!
The three ride away.
Frenchie is tied to the railroad tracks, butt in the air. Dos Cojones is twirling his moustache.
DOS COJONES: ¡Mirá, maricón! You have two minutes to give me the map to the goldmine, or the 6:15 out of Wichita is going to run right up your butt!
FRENCHIE: Much as I’d like that, I promised that gold to Father Enrique and his Orphanage for Wayward Boys!
DOS COJONES: Those boys are gonna’ have to pull themselves up by their buttstraps, same as I did. I got this cute little muchacho down in Mexicali, and he’s very high maintenance. Here comes the train now!
FRENCHIE: Oh, who will save me!
Jack and Ennis pop up, guns drawn.
JACK: Dos Cojones, you’ve pulled your last dastardly deed! Untie Frenchie right now, you bitch!
Dos Cojones unties Frenchie from the tracks.
ENNIS: target="_blank"> Now bend over and spread ‘em. Here comes the WICHITA BULLET!!!!!
TRAIN: Woooooo Wooooo!
Train runs over Dos Cojones and leaves him mangled by the side of the tracks.
DOS COJONES: Oh fuck, I’m gonna’ need a truss!
The Four Amigos ride away.
FRENCHIE: Let’s go and give the gold to Father Enrique. We should get to the orphanage just in time to tuck the boys in.
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Posted on 12/6/2005
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