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[Abord the USS Carl Vinson, somewhere in the North Arabian Sea]
CAPTAIN - Sailors and Marines, lend me your ears. I come to bury bin Laden, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them – the good is oft interred with their bones. So let it be with bin Laden.
In the case of this son-of-a-bitch, he never did anybody any good. Also, he is not getting a decent burial like a normal human being. Instead, his corpse is chained to a filthy, disgusting, greasy engine block which will be hoisted by a winch at the end of this ceremony and dumped into the water, after which he will be bombed with depth charges and blown to smithereens so that there won’t be enough shreds of flesh left for even the fish to eat.
But before the fun starts, we are going to have a few inspirational words of wisdom from our ship chaplain, Major Booty.
MAJOR BOOTY – Men and women, my parishioners often come to me and ask me, “Father, where does it say in the bible that we have to separate our garbage so that the organic trash is separated from the paper and recyclable bottles and cans? Isn’t it my constitutional right to use my garbage as I see fit?”
And I answer, “Under normal circumstances you may be right. But we are living under emergency circumstances, where the world is quaking under the weight of filthy slag and manure that threatens to destroy not only us, but every living thing on the planet. That’s why we have to organize our garbage rationally and dispose of it in a timely manner”.
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And that’s why we are here today, ladies and gentlemen! We have been designated by the Commander in Chief and the Defense Department with the indelicate commission of throwing out one of the nastiest pieces of shit in human history, Osama bin Laden.
This bin Laden was not a human being. He was like a science fiction monster out of a “Predator” movie. He had no human instincts. In fact, he was lower than an animal, because even an animal only kills when it is hungry. For bin Laden, dead people and mutilated corpses were an industrial product that he manufactured, like shoes or screwdrivers. A board meeting of al Queda consisted of body counts of “how many kids did you kill today”. If you didn’t kill enough victims, you ended up on the menu, like the SPECTRE crime syndicate in an old James Bond movie.
He was a weirdo, too. He had four concubines, but intelligence reports indicate that he preferred having sex with syphilitic camels and, as you all know, he liked to wear dresses.
Forgive me. I’m starting to lose my composure. Every time I have to look at this abominable, ghastly abortion of diseased afterbirth, it brings tears to my eyes.
CAPTAIN – Thank you, Major Booty. Moving right along, we will observe a moment of silence while we hear the Marine Band play their rendition of the AC/DC song “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap”.
MARINE BAND – “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap,
“Fuck you, etc.”
CAPTAIN – Next, we will have a squad of ship’s latrine orderlies unload bucketfuls of human waste on the corpse, followed up by a 21-flamethrower salute that will burn the whole stinking mess to the charred, bubbling consistency of an overcooked summer camp marshmallow roast.
CAPTAIN – that was very impressive. Now, as we commit Osama bin Laden’s remains to the sea, the entire crew will give the middle finger salute, while the whole stinking mess of charred, greasy suet is hoisted over the edge, we bid you, “Up Yours, Bitch!”
osama bin laden
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Posted on 5/4/2011
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