Muggers Rate Stolen Cellphones

In our unending quest to promote consumer value, 200motels has solicited the opinions of cell phones’ ultimate end users – the thieves and muggers who steal them. At interviews conducted in crackhouses and shady taverns across New York City, often at great physical jeopardy to our correspondent, we have compiled consumer rating data regarding the desirability of the latest handheld devices.

Interviewed at the Homicide Lounge in Alphabet City on the Lower East Side, Marcel Butkiss, expressed his admiration for the Palm Pre. “It’s the best phone I ever stole”, declared Butkiss. “I really worked the guy over hard. After I concussed him with a pipe and he was lying there, I kicked him a whole lotta times with my steel-tipped boots before I stole his phone. But afterward, the phone still worked perfect, and I sold it for $100”.

A ringing endorsement if we ever heard one, but not to be outdone by that of Ricardo Maricón, who we caught up with enjoying the female companionship offered at Casa Chocha in Woodside. “I got a favorite girl here, Florita. She asked me to get her a phone so that she could call her family back in San Salvador. So I hung around Florian’s Bar on Roosevelt Avenue until I saw this dude calling on his Blackberry. I followed him into the bathroom and, while he was taking a leak I hit him with a toilet seat I had ripped off from its screws. The phone fell into the urinal, but when I fished it out it still worked. When I gave it to Florita, she was so grateful, she gave me a free ride”.

The next endorsement comes from Guido Marinara, formerly of Bay Ridge, who is currently residing at the Bernard Kerik Memorial Correctional Facility on Rikers Island, coincidentally in the cell adjacent to that presently occupied by Kerik himself. “I saw this mutherfucker walking down Fifth Avenue in Bay Ridge, talking on an Apple iPhone, which is the most prestigious phone to steal. When I pulled a gun on him he still refused to give up the phone, so I shot him. The freakin iPhone stopped the bullet and the guy was still able to use it to call 911, which is why I am in this shit today. I hate Apple!”

But the greatest endorsement comes from Bernardo Culo, interviewed at Mango’s Bar on Ocean Drive in Miami Beach, where he is currently on vacation. “This old lady was talking on a Nokia 380 over by Lefrak City in Queens. When she got off the phone and put it back in her bag, I hit her with a baseball bat and stole the bag. The phone had all her personal information in it, including her Social Security number. I was able to steal her identity and take out a whole lot of credit cards in her name. The only drawback is, now I have to wear a dress and call myself Edith Schwartz”.

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