The Michael Jackson Memorial Barbecue

Michael Jackson’s death couldn’t have come at a better time for the economy than if it had been planned by the Council of Economic Advisors.

Oh, come on! The government wouldn’t do something like that. Or would it? The CIA has been accused of a lot of nefarious things in the past, like trying to kill Castro, the Kennedys, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, etc. Basically, they are not above a little mayhem – if it’s for a good cause.

Because Michael Jackson dying makes a lot of economic sense as a stimulus package. The accompanying chart tells the story:
In Graph A you have Michael Jackson alive. It’s flat. He’s listless, lethargic and lazy. Record sales not moving at all. He’s getting ready to try for a comeback, but the only people who care are his hardcore fan base, which has shrunk.
Graph B, however, shows him deceased. It’s off the charts! Worldwide record sales, which have been declining since 2002, are shooting through the roof, along with videos, television ratings, airline and hotel room sales to LA for his memorial show. That’s a lot of jobs!

Nothing revives a wilted showbusiness career like dying, and with the economy in such lousy shape Michael is performing his patriotic duty, giving something back to the community. Not only that, he’s performed a service for social conservatives, who hate him. Rep. Peter King of Long Island even said as much. Michael’s mortality gives these pricks some hope that the rest of us will follow him into the grave as well, cheering them up and hopefully motivating them to part with a few bucks on whatever kind of sanctimonious swill it is they like to consume.

So everybody’s happy except for the Jackson family, but even they will be heartened when his astronomical royalty checks start rolling in. I don’t want to be callous, but what do you think a small vial of Michael Jackson’s cremation ashes, duly certified and tastefully preserved, would be worth? Billions! The guy’s physical body could be a collector’s item for the ages, right up there with the Holy Grail and the Shroud of Turin. Hell, why not?

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Posted on 7/7/2009 ( Permanent Link )
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