GOP Kennel Club

                                                                                           Gov. Palin's press conference

Things are so bad for the Republican Party, they might have to bring Larry Craig back to firm things up. Unlike South Carolina governor Mark Sanford, who disappeared down to Argentina, when his aides supposedly claimed him to be hiking on the Shenandoah Trail (what kind of a lame alibi is that?), you can at least locate Sen. Craig by scouring the public toilets.

This Sanford was always a loser. He represents the most reactionary state in the union, and that’s saying a mouthful. President Andrew Jackson once threatened to send the army there to hang the state’s insurrectionist elements, and in 1861 South Carolina was the first state to try to secede from the union, when the natives there fired on the army post at Fort Sumter, igniting the civil war. Frankly, it would be a lot more agreeable to let these hicks form their own creepy country, but unfortunately they are located in a strategic part of the eastern seaboard, so we are stuck with them.

But they are rubes, and it’s doubtful Mark Sanford could have prevailed on their sense of reason and sanity by publicly admitting that things were not working out between him and his wife and explaining that he had fallen for a spicy Argentinian firecracker.

Oh, he was crying the whole time he was down in Buenos Aires. Crying tears of joy over the way Senorita Speeda Gonzalez was yanking his crank like a NASCAR pit stop mechanic, and reeling and a-rocking him like his back ain’t got no bone. He was crying every time he thought about having to return to his wooden cigar store Indian of a wife and his useless life, which was dedicated to making the whole rest of the country miserable with his cheap prick behavior and half-wit down home philosophy. Even some Republicans have been repelled by his strident, moralistic attitudes.

As the Republican base continues to contract into a tighter and tighter ball, like a school of anchovies being devoured by marauding dolphins, the only politicians capable of appealing to its primitive nature are irredentist hardcore pricks like Sanford, whose unstable character and fragile psychology render them ticking time bombs of self-immolation.

The latest idiot attack to erupt concerns the Republican Barbie Doll, hockey mom and pit bull with lipstick, loudmouth Alaska governor Sarah Palin who only two years into her first term has found herself forced to resign for reasons which are yet unclear. Whatever the circumstances are, they must be terrible, because trying to claw these idiot politicians from their jobs is like trying to eradicate a herpes rash. Even Sanford is hanging onto his job. Basically, having a vague idea of Alaska politics, I feel there must be some element of criminal behavior. On the other hand, maybe she just decided that she couldn't handle the governor's job, and she would do better as a national mouthpiece for the Republican Party. As Bush's disgraced former Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, once opined, "if you have a problem you can't solve, create a bigger problem". Following that logic, Palin might be transforming Alaska's problem, herself, into a national problem.

People are complaining about some of my characterizations of modern women, whom I fundamentally accuse of spoiled, incontinent behavior. This Governor Palin is a good illustration of my basic premise that many are not exactly dedicated to practicing self-control. Right out of the starting gate, one of her first official acts was a vindictive attempt to get her brother-in-law, who was fighting a bitter divorce battle with her sister, fired from his job as an Alaska state trooper. When the chief of police refused to cooperate, citing lack of cause, she got him fired. And this was just for starters. In the two years she has been in office, she has been overwhelmed by a continuing stream of ethics investigations, one of which concluded that the charges were true, although the state legislature declined to take any actions against her.

More phony than Sarah Palin is not possible. She excoriated comedian David Letterman for exposing her family to  ridicule, but it was she herself who, during the election  campaign, brought her autistic daughter to New York for a photo opportunity with her husband taking the kid for a ride on the Central Park carrousel, the kid's eyes rolling around in her head like a pinball machine, looking for all the world like she would rather have been in Philadelphia, as W.C. Fields used to put it. Palin brought in the guy who knocked up her daughter to live in her house, in a demonstration of bogus family values, but immediately after the election she unceremoniously kicked him out the back door. Her half-wit strategy is to use anybody at hand for momentary advantage.

Palin promises not to fade from the public eye, which is a lamentable prospect. She can join Eliot Spitzer, Cheney, Blagojevich et al as failed idiots who continue to inflict themselves on the body politic even though they have far exceeded their expiration date. The reason we have such idiots for leaders is because nobody decent would be caught dead running for political office.

Tags:   None

© All rights reserved.

Posted on 7/5/2009 ( Permanent Link )
Read 41 Times
 Send to Friend